Monday, June 02, 2014
May was a pretty good month for me. I lost 4 pounds. I mostly met my goals: I exercised daily, increased hiking mileage, ate fairly well, stretched at least 4 times a week, controlled snacking (with the exception of the past 5 days when I was visiting mom). I limited sugar-free energy sodas (I drank 3 last month, which is down from 30-50 per month in March). I feel good that I didnít relapse on the soda, and I met my goals for most of the month. Itís not great that I relapsed into emotional eating when visiting mom, but I am not going to beat myself up for a short term lapse. Iím forgiving myself and moving on, and celebrating an overall good month.
I have been visiting mom for the past 5 days and I did not eat well or exercise as much while there. On her 95th birthday, she had a stream of visitors and well wishers Ė 20-25 of her friends stopped by. I purchased cupcakes (her favorites) but she could not eat even a mouthful. For the remainder of my visit, I did a bedside vigil. She was very weak and sleepy. She slept through most of my visit. However she perked up and stayed awake again when son-in-law and her granddaughter came on the weekend; we brought brunch but she did not eat anything. She has stopped eating and only drinks a few sips of ginger ale. The hospice RN said that may occur at the end of life. She gets nauseated and canít swallow her pills. They are sending a specialist doctor who will look at her throat and investigate mom's problems swallowing.
I feel very torn about flying home to return to work. I asked the hospice nurse if I needed to stay and he told me I should go; that I may need to return later. So I came home but she was in tears when I left.
It has become very clear to my brother and me that my older sister does not plan to return early from Mexico even if mom is dying or dies. Older sister lives closest to mom and has done the bulk of visiting; she is the medical advisor and has control of momís finances. I know sister must feel she needs time off (this has been going on for over 2 years, and it is mom's 4th time in hospice care). Nevertheless, mom feels abandoned. I live 550 miles away. I will try to make another trip in two weeks (my older brother from Arizona will flying in at the end of week). It is a financial drain to go; hotels in Palo Alto/Menlo Park are VERY expensive, but I need to dip into savings and just do it. My younger sister CANíT come because of the blood clots.
I do not want my mom to be sad and lonely at the end. Even though she feels forgotten by her friends, LOTS of them visit, even when it is difficult for them due to mobility/balance problems. They wheel themselves in on wheelchairs or use their walkers. She is just asleep and doesn't know they are there.