Thursday, May 29, 2014
"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude about it." - the great Maya Angelou, may she rest in peace.
I had a serious wake-up call this morning when I stepped on the scale and saw the number 253.4 - I've gained 5 pounds in less than a month. The bigger picture is that I've been yo-yo'ing since 2009, when I lost 25 pounds, then gained it back plus more. I then lost 29 pounds in 2012, then gained most of it back. I lost 14 pounds in 10 weeks last fall, then gained it back with some extra. Are you seeing the pattern here? It's not good, and it's not sustainable toward what I want.
So what do I want? It's not enough to say that I want to be healthy, as I've learned from Jillian Michaels - I need to define, as specifically as possible, what I want. I want to be a size 8 (or smaller). I want to find a man to love and to love me, and I want to marry him. I want to be a mother. I want to be physically active and enjoy feeling the way my body moves. I want to be able to shop in any store and not worry if they carry plus-size clothing. I could go into more specifics, maybe in future blog posts.
What don't I like that I must change? I don't like the way I've been treating myself lately, especially since January. I allowed work to be top priority over my health and well-being. I used the excuse of being overworked and stressed out to make buying and eating chips and cookies and ice cream seem acceptable, to make skipping exercises acceptable - IT WAS NOT ACCEPTABLE! I've been down this road before, in 2012 - I busted my butt to lose 29 pounds, then work became extremely busy, and I gained most of it back when I quit exercising and started eating unhealthy foods again. But even when traveling for work, I could've made better food choices. I could've logged calories. I could've squeezed in workouts here and there.
I could go back to the past and list out all of these could'ves and should'ves, but regret isn't going to do me any good now. What will help me now is to learn from my past failures, and to incorporate those lessons into the present so I don't repeat the same mistakes.
I know that I will not be perfect in this journey of health and wellness. I also know that I can do this. I've done it before, and I can do it again, and better this time! I know that being plugged in here at SparkPeople helps me stay on track, so right away that becomes very important to me.
I don't feel scared. I feel excited. I also feel angry, at myself for letting it get this far once again, but I need to work through that and let it go, before it turns into self-hate. That's poison. What I need is self-love. It's coming, I can feel it inside of me, wanting to grow. I need to nurture that seed of self-love, tend to it, care for it, and it will grow.
I have the power inside of me to make my dreams come true. We all do. How amazing is that! It's time to feel that power.