Wednesday, May 21, 2014
I stopped blogging way back when because I realized I was self-sabotaging and maintaining, then gaining weight back. There was a disconnect between what I said I was feeling (committed), and what I actually felt (apathetic, anxious, with lists of defeatist thoughts). Over those weeks, I've been noticing more knee pain, increased boredom with my sedentary again lifestyle, and of course weight gain.
Back on April 24, 2014 I took a few moments at bedtime to consider where my current habits were taking me and where I wanted to be. Then I wrote myself a little blog about how awesome it feels to be at goal weight and what the benefits are of meeting one of my dreams. It really helped me beat back some of the anxiety and helped me notice my inner critic's thoughts a bit better. I had keep stopping myself from writing negatively about who I am presently. It took some thinking to write that blog, but it also made me realize that if I commit to a "harder" path for the next 158 or so days, I will be at goal weight...(in a textbook perfect world). How could I resist the ultimate countdown? :)
So I have restarted the BeFit in 90 program. Originally, I was intending to do the program over 90 days straight through...but after a bit of thinking, attempting, self-doubt, and the almost-start of another nasty cycle of self-criticism, I have officially decided to work on completing the BeFit in 90 program, but not to pay too close attention to how many days it will really take. So far it's been three weeks and I've completed up to Day 7. I've also picked up extra hours at work and gone on multiple long walks. Three days ago, I officially changed my FitBit settings to a "harder" program (-1000 cal per day) and changed my calories burned goal to 2800, and I pumped up my bike tires so I have more exercise options.
I'm trying everyday to make conscious decisions to be happier and healthier. The day before yesterday, I cut out chocolate and sweets cold turkey and within five hours I had a headache, by hour nine I was about ready to rip off my own head and by hour ten I had a small, healthier sweet. By the end of hour 24, (I was working nightshift that night and I still haven't learned how to nap without more problems), I had to take some ibuprofen and I allowed myself two fun size packs of mm and some Doritos. But it definitely made me realize that even though I'm not imbibing on caffeinated drinks for the past few months (I've officially beaten that), I am still eating way too much caffeine and sugar in the form of chocolate.
Today, I noticed that my skin was having a hard time healing again so I took some zinc and vit c and recommitted to eating fruits and veggies first, junk food last (for at least the next few weeks). I don't trust myself enough yet to promise longer than that. Eventually, I know, I will have to sit down and decide once and for all how to make healthy eating be effortless...right now, I don't have the time or the freezer space to make it effortless
But, even a few weeks of healthiness should have positive effects. Already, in the three days of the "harder" program with 2800 cal burned each day, the scale is showing a 1.5# decrease, I feel accomplished, I'm blogging here again :) and my muscles are happily sore. Today, I'm gonna go easier on myself and focus on food prep and house chores before work (2nd shift this time). I don't want to push myself to hard and risk triggering my self-sabotage switch again. I'm gonna give myself a bit of a lunge line and see how well I do with keeping to the basics of healthiness.
And tomorrow is another day, and I'll reevaluate. Right now, I'm feeling a bit nervous but trying to have faith. :-/ Today, I am recommitted.