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    SDLEE514   17,751
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Monday, May 19, 2014

This blog really has nothing to do with Spark or related health/fitness things. I will say I am doing 2 weeks of barre3 online workouts because I have a 2 week trial. And I'm trying to stay within my calories as much as possible and eat healthy. You know, the usual. The three pound loss that showed up recently was bloat loss post bad eating wedding weekend.

Anyways, I'm feeling a bit blue right now and need to get it out. I'm kind of down on myself because I don't have a lot of friends. Summer is coming and there's so many things going on and all I can think is that I really wish I had friends to go out and do stuff with. Or even just a casual, come hang out by my pool with me!

This has always been an issue with me, feeling like I don't have friends and having anxiety about people not liking me (could be related to me not having many friends to begin with, but I guess that's another issue). If I reach out to people and they don't respond, I assume they don't like me and I give up and get depressed. I feel like I make friends easily but when it's not reciprocated I think, I guess they didn't really like me after all.

I moved down here almost three years ago from graduate school. College was hard for me because I was never friends with my roommates and I didn't bond with people my freshman year and I feel like most people did, so if you didn't, you pretty much missed the boat on lasting friendships. I came out of college with 1, maybe 2, friends I still keep in touch with, and of course, my boyfriend. I'm envious of girls that plan getaway weekends and reunions. Graduate school was better, I think being in a small cohort allows you all to bond better. I was lucky that a few of those friends ended up moving down here too. But, I just found out today that one couple is moving back home for job/family (she just found out shes pregnant). *sigh* I understand this is the course most people take in life. But to be completely selfish, there goes 50% of my friends/people that I knew down here. So yeah, do the math. 2 people. 2 friends. I've blogged about this before but it really gets to me that I don't have a great set of "sex and the city" type friends I can count on and be close with, and I feel like I should have that, and want that, at this point in my life. I love my bf and we have so much fun together, I DO consider him my best friend, but its not healthy for him to be my only social life, and I long for girls nights and the like. I keep feeling like if my bf and I ever broke up I would have zero support and zero friends to lean on, and it kind of makes me panic. I have a little bit of a girlfriends outlet at work, two of my coworkers are similar in age and we often get coffee or go get lunch. But they ask me about my weekend plans or tell me about theirs but there's never any consideration to hang out beyond work.

And before you all tell me to join groups or try Meetups, I've definitely done that. And yes, I should do more. But the meetups are always so awkward, I've rarely clicked with anyone, and if I do, I revert back to the nobody reaches out to me (even if I reach out to them) so I guess they didn't like me mindset. I also had a bad experience where I fell in to a group of ladies I met via meetup, but then they started cliquing and blatantly not inviting me out beyond meetup. Definitely not looking for high school drama in my friendships.

Sad, but true, this lack of friends makes me anxious about getting married. Not that that will ever even happen, but I have had the thought that I wouldn't have anyone to be in my party let alone invite to the wedding. Not sure what it is about me or why its so hard to find friends! I need to focus on positivity and what I DO have in my life, not what I wish I had. But friendships are an integral part of a fulfilled life and I just feel like there's a void in mine.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
SQUIRRELLYONE 6/4/2014 8:51AM

    Making friends is never easy, but instead of trying meetups, why don't you try making friends at one of your activities. If you decide to stick with the Barre workouts, you'll find you start to hang out with a few people more and more, and let things grow slowly.

The hardest thing is when you get super-attached to early (like me). I've met lots and lots of people through climbing and foosball, and, because I do them regularly, they see me so often that we've become friends. Most of them, I don't hang out with outside of climbing, but some have become close friends.

I would always recommend activities over meetups: during a sport/activity, you're doing something and then chatting a little before/after. It takes a lot of the awkward out of early friendship forming: it's not an awkward silence! It's time to move!

Good luck: it's not easy, I know :(

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EDDYMEESE 5/22/2014 9:11PM

    My brother and his wife are perfect for each other. They have SO MANY friends between the two of them - joint and from before they got together. Heck, my brother is friends with people he's known for 25 years. They are the people you're talking about - she's in Mexico with girlfriends, he meets up with friends non-stop for drinks. If he has a BBQ, the place is packed.

I left undergrad with ZERO friends (well, one, but she had a baby and that was that).

I left vet school with 4 friends, none of whom fall into the Sex in the City category. I only talk to one of them regularly, the other sporadically, and two others none at all. Yes, we might go out once a year, but that's it.

That's it. I'm 34. I have 1, maybe 2 friends.

When I graduated vet school, everyone on the list of invitees for my little party was either family or my brother's friends (and so sort of mine since we're a close family). Nobody there was MY friend, lol. How sad is that???

So I totally understand. The older you get, the harder it is, for sure, because people have their cliques and people have families and such.

I guess the question I'd ask you is this: do you think that YOU put in enough effort? Because I know that I was never that person who always said yes to offers of going out, never invited people to hang out, never really put myself out there. So...?

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STFRENCH 5/20/2014 3:37PM

    I wish I had some wise advice to give you, but in this case, I find myself in a bit of a similar situation. I had a great group of friends whom I had met through our midwife, when we all had our babies through the same year. Then, at some point, the group splintered in two. And, lately, I have felt myself becoming more and more removed from what is left of our group. Most of my friends have had other babies, which I didn't, and they have bonded further over this, leaving me a bit on the sidelines. Also, as a single mum, I often do not have enough money to go out, and I am missing out on a lot of bonding there. This weekend only, I've worked out that the person I would have called my best friend has had a massive change in her life circumstances. But, she never told me: I only guessed at it through her Facebook status. But I know from a fact that the other members of the group will already have known about it. And that made me feel really sad and isolated and maybe even a little bit jealous :( But I honestly do not know what to do about it. I try to cultivate friendships in other places, like my Zumba group or work, but even then, it's nothing very profound. I think the person I'm the closest to is Carol, whom I used to job-share with but that's just about it. I wish my Sparkfriends were physically closer to me! :) xx

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STODD251 5/20/2014 12:44PM

    So many of us seem to be feeling this way... I feel like there has got to be a solution. I know I'm in the same boat, and so is my sister, and a bunch of people I've met on sparkpeople. It's such a common problem. We really should start doing meetups with sparkfriends. There are so many people on here that have been truer friends to me than many past college/high school/grad school acquaintances, but I've never even met any of you. I wish I had an answer for you, but all I can say is at least we're not alone in our aloneness. You're better than me because at least you've showed up to Meetup groups. I've never had the nerve to actually go to one... Maybe try asking about weekend plans with some of the girls from work sometime. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. My best friends in my area are actually people I worked with, so that can work.

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IRP1114 5/20/2014 12:21PM

    You got some great suggestions : )

I agree it is a common thing to have trouble making new friends in our busy worlds. Even if we have multiple friends they aren't all mutual friends where we can hang out all together the way it happens in childhood.

Try looking at your life being perfectly unique, and not so much as what it "should" be. We all get caught up in this in one way or another but the reality is we all have unique circumstances for everything including friendships.

Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. I know I would love to join you in finding that perfect circle of friends to have a girls night with ; ) Bet it would be easy to do if all of our mutual spark friends lived much closer than we do!

Smile and enjoy your life chica! emoticon emoticon emoticon


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CHODGES83 5/20/2014 11:01AM

    It's kind of surprising reading these responses seeing other women feeling like they don't fit into a group. I feel like it speaks volumes about our society, but I won't get on my soapbox in the comment section of your honest blog.

I have always fell in and out of groups of friends. I have a few close girls from grade school/high school. I also find myself relying to much on my husband to make plans for us or waiting for the women to make plans for us or hanging out with my 13y/o daughter. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with her, but it's obviously not the same dynamic as hanging out with your girlfriends.

So that being said I sort of unconsciously started making plans for this summer and inviting select people to do things instead of trying to arrange big get togethers that inevitably fall through because everyone is on a different schedule. Fingers crossed.

What I'm saying is put yourself out there. Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.

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CARADAWN 5/20/2014 11:01AM

    I totally understand! I have never been the girl to have a big group of friends and I was always envious of those girls. I had two good friends in college, neither of which I keep in touch with now, and only one friend when I moved to the city I currently live in. But, I tried everything you have (meetups, joinging groups, etc.) and ended up making another great friend who has now moved away.

With that being said I have actually made more friends since being married and having kids. I have met a few moms that I really like through my daughter (music class and just in the neighborhood). And I have also met my best friend for the past few years through my running group. I still don't have huge girls nights out or a big group to get together with but I have one really close friend in town and my best friend from growing up as well as my family to lean on. There is nothing wrong with only having one or two good friends. Life happens and people come and go - don't give up!!

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LIFEASMRSA 5/20/2014 9:26AM

    Sorry for your situation and honestly I don't havw any solutions for your either.. Not sure what you do for work.. But do you get along with your coworkers? Maybe start there since you may all have common ground because you all work together?? Or maybe you can connect with someone on spark who lives close to you? emoticon

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KABMPH 5/20/2014 9:04AM

    This is so normal. It gets increasingly hard to make friends as we get older. Here's an article about it: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/f
ashion/the-challenge-of-making-
friends-as-an-adult.html?pagewa
nted=all&_r=0 This article helped me so much deal with the sadness of not having close friends nearby.

You know that I also live in the DC area. It's a transient place. I've been here 9 years now and most of the people I became friends with have moved. Now that I'm older, I haven't made "replacement" friends. (That sounds awful!) I have tried Meetups too but they ARE awkward. I became friends with one person through Meetup but recently decided to unfriend her because she's, well, IMHO, crazy. ;-)

I find that as I get older, more and more people are unacceptable to me. Trying to make friends now is sort of like dating. It's painful and more often than not, unsuccessful.

And you know how envious many people will be that you met your BF in college and you are still together, through grad school and everything?!

I have days where I feel the same as you do. But I try to, most of the time, to maintain my friendships across the country (and globe!) by visiting, Skyping*, emailing, Facebooking, etc. to keep myself part of their lives.

*In fact, my book club disbanded after a couple of people moved. Now there are 4 of us, each in different time zones, who meet on a Google Hangout every couple of months to discuss a book we read together. It's AWESOME.



Comment edited on: 5/20/2014 9:05:20 AM

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BONOLICIOUS2 5/20/2014 8:41AM

    Oh my goodness, we have had very similar experiences. I only have 1-2 good friends, they don't live here either, and I've even had the same thoughts of "if I got married I'd be better off eloping because I don't have anyone to be in my wedding party" - seriously, I GET THAT. Weird!

That being said - HEY - don't you live close by me?! And I have the same problem? Why don't we meet up?! duh!

I know meeting strangers is awkward and weird and I'm a bit of an introvert so it is a stretch, but you seem un-homicidal and I don't have a pool anymore that I can go to (as long as you don't tell anyone how bad I look in a bathing suit!) Seems like an opportunity to me!

Anyways, I always try to remind myself that quality is better than quantity when it comes to friends. I'd rather have less people that I trust, like, and are cool than force myself to deal with dishonest, stupid or lame people. You have standards, that is pretty cool!

Chin up! And breathe the drama free air!

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CLRWILLIAMS25 5/19/2014 9:22PM

    *hugs* That really stinks that you don't feel like you're clicking with people, especially with the Meetups, as they are a place where I assumed people were tying to meet other people and not be cliquey. I really do wish we lived closer, even if it was for wine and tv watching. You should still go out and do/see all of the fun stuff that happens around DC this summer, even if you don't always have someone to share the experience with. You always look happy in your pictures when you're out and about :)

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BRAINYBLONDE5 5/19/2014 8:18PM

  I can relate completely! I am seriously going through the exact same thing! If you lived close, TRUST ME, we would be friends. its tough and I wish I had more to say, but you are not alone. emoticon

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ARUNNINGKAT 5/19/2014 6:31PM

    I feel your pain, but unfortunately I don't have any great solutions for you. I think the hard part is that people in general are horrible at follow-up and actually making their great ideas happen. I try to make sure that I don't utter the infamous idle idea like "Oh, we will have you over for dinner sometime" and then fail to follow through, but I know that I have done it a time or two. And I have run into a lot of people that do the same thing to me. Oh yes, I do wonder if they just don't care to be friends, but then try to assume the best...in this case the best being that they are just horrible at follow through. Dealing with people can be hard sometimes. I guess that I suggest that you still take the initiative and just work to not let any disinterest hurt you. Invite your work friends out for a glass of wine on the weekend and see what happens. emoticon

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