Monday, May 19, 2014
This blog really has nothing to do with Spark or related health/fitness things. I will say I am doing 2 weeks of barre3 online workouts because I have a 2 week trial. And I'm trying to stay within my calories as much as possible and eat healthy. You know, the usual. The three pound loss that showed up recently was bloat loss post bad eating wedding weekend.
Anyways, I'm feeling a bit blue right now and need to get it out. I'm kind of down on myself because I don't have a lot of friends. Summer is coming and there's so many things going on and all I can think is that I really wish I had friends to go out and do stuff with. Or even just a casual, come hang out by my pool with me!
This has always been an issue with me, feeling like I don't have friends and having anxiety about people not liking me (could be related to me not having many friends to begin with, but I guess that's another issue). If I reach out to people and they don't respond, I assume they don't like me and I give up and get depressed. I feel like I make friends easily but when it's not reciprocated I think, I guess they didn't really like me after all.
I moved down here almost three years ago from graduate school. College was hard for me because I was never friends with my roommates and I didn't bond with people my freshman year and I feel like most people did, so if you didn't, you pretty much missed the boat on lasting friendships. I came out of college with 1, maybe 2, friends I still keep in touch with, and of course, my boyfriend. I'm envious of girls that plan getaway weekends and reunions. Graduate school was better, I think being in a small cohort allows you all to bond better. I was lucky that a few of those friends ended up moving down here too. But, I just found out today that one couple is moving back home for job/family (she just found out shes pregnant). *sigh* I understand this is the course most people take in life. But to be completely selfish, there goes 50% of my friends/people that I knew down here. So yeah, do the math. 2 people. 2 friends. I've blogged about this before but it really gets to me that I don't have a great set of "sex and the city" type friends I can count on and be close with, and I feel like I should have that, and want that, at this point in my life. I love my bf and we have so much fun together, I DO consider him my best friend, but its not healthy for him to be my only social life, and I long for girls nights and the like. I keep feeling like if my bf and I ever broke up I would have zero support and zero friends to lean on, and it kind of makes me panic. I have a little bit of a girlfriends outlet at work, two of my coworkers are similar in age and we often get coffee or go get lunch. But they ask me about my weekend plans or tell me about theirs but there's never any consideration to hang out beyond work.
And before you all tell me to join groups or try Meetups, I've definitely done that. And yes, I should do more. But the meetups are always so awkward, I've rarely clicked with anyone, and if I do, I revert back to the nobody reaches out to me (even if I reach out to them) so I guess they didn't like me mindset. I also had a bad experience where I fell in to a group of ladies I met via meetup, but then they started cliquing and blatantly not inviting me out beyond meetup. Definitely not looking for high school drama in my friendships.
Sad, but true, this lack of friends makes me anxious about getting married. Not that that will ever even happen, but I have had the thought that I wouldn't have anyone to be in my party let alone invite to the wedding. Not sure what it is about me or why its so hard to find friends! I need to focus on positivity and what I DO have in my life, not what I wish I had. But friendships are an integral part of a fulfilled life and I just feel like there's a void in mine.