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Checking in, I'm still alive.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

I just want to check in with you guys, apologize for not being present, and explain what's been going on.

I realized that my problem with food was much deeper than I'm just overeating, gaining weight, and struggling to lose it. I was literally starting to go crazy, eating to the point where it hurt, I purged, things were just completely out of hand. I was so incredibly overwhelmed by everything. I kept telling people it was like my nerves were on the surface of my skin and I couldn't handle anything. I was crying and kept thinking about suicide (with no plan or intent, but the thought was enough). I would look at my son and think to myself, how can I be so unhappy?

I made an appointment with a therapist, as quickly as I possibly could. I started taking my St. John's Wort again, I started going to Over Eaters Anonymous, and by the suggestion of my therapist, Alanon.

Come to find out, many of my struggles and character flaws are because I was raised in a home with an addict. I had no idea it affected me so much...

So I have been doing all of these things for about 3 weeks as well as journaling to death. It is all really helping. I am doing a lot of really good things for myself. But things are not perfect, and they never will. I am learning a lot about myself and the ways in which I create chaos and situations in my head that aren't real that overwhelm me, apparently this is an unhealthy coping skill I learned living in a home with an addict.

So I just wanted to check in with you guys. I really care about you all and I check sparkpeople every day and track my food, I just don't have the time or energy to really engage in a way I want to on sparkpeople now, if that makes sense.

Thanks for always being there for me and supporting me. I hope to be able to come back soon and do that for you guys, but right now I am really just focusing on myself and getting well. Thanks for understanding.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon love you too dear emoticon emoticon
    1379 days ago
    I'm so happy to hear that you are getting help and taking care of yourself! Don't worry about what you can give US right now...just keep giving YOU the best that you can right now and we'll be here to help you no matter what.

    You have my number and if you need anything, don't be afraid to use it!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1380 days ago
    So glad to hear from you! It sounds like you are making some positive steps forward for yourself and your son. We are always here for you! emoticon
    1380 days ago
    Glad you are doing better. St. John's Wort never helped me, but about a year ago I discovered SamE. It's a natural thing, and works well for me.
    1380 days ago
    Melody Beattie has an amazing book on Codependency and relationships with addicts. Reading it helped me tremendously, and I think its something you should look into! Honestly, it was such an eye opener. I am so proud of you for looking for help because most people would be afraid to do that! you are so strong and I know it will take time to fight those inner battles that you have been holding inside so long, but I will always be here to listen to you. You can just send me a sparkmail, and I will be there to listen and help as much as I can! emoticon
    1380 days ago
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