Monday, May 12, 2014
I got 2.5 hours of sleep last night. Daughter woke up in the middle of the night with a bad earache. We gave her Motrin but at 1:30am, there is only so much you can do. She usually gets herself up and ready for school (she has since she was in preschool), but this morning she was still in bed at 6:15. I went into her room and she sat up in her bed, grabbed her ear, and started crying. She said, "Mom, can I please stay home today?" She was pitiful. Of course she can. I called in to work and then told Husband I'd be staying home with her. He went off to work. I contemplated coffee, but I decided to just lie in bed instead. I dozed a little bit, and then checked the clock again. It was 8:15 and I knew the Urgent Care opened at 9. I got up and threw on jeans and a t-shirt. At 8:30 I went to wake Daughter and have her get dressed. I had toast and made her some waffles that she took with her in the car, along with a Thermos of orange juice. We got there exactly at 9, but still had to wait for 30 minutes before we got seen. Once we got into a room she was seen really quickly and we were in and out, so I was happy about that. She does in fact have an ear infection, so we went to Walmart to get her prescription filled. While we were waiting, we each got a new shirt and I also bought some candles and plug-in air-freshener refills (I have a minor obsession with things that smell pretty!). Then we came home and I gave her medicine, put her on the couch and she watched some movies. I was sort of hungry so I had a string cheese and a medjool date. I started some laundry and called my mom to see how her trip to Atlanta was yesterday. She was still being really short with me. LONG story short, we ended up getting into an argument about her never (and I mean NEVER) coming to visit us, and how it hurts, then she said she and Dad were hurt that I told them I didn't have room in my driveway for their two cars if they end up moving to Europe for a year. For some reason they "misunderstood" something...I still don't understand what the heck there was to misunderstand about "sorry, I'd like to help, but I don't have room" but whatever. Everything all worked out in the end and we had a nice conversation and then I talked to Dad a little bit and things are fine...as far as I can tell...I just feel so incredibly drained and exhausted. That took about three hours of my life away, and I didn't get ANYTHING done today as a result. I had such good intentions. I was going to use my time wisely and get some things accomplished, but I didn't. The only thing I did today that I needed to do was pay a bill and register our new bikes. Dangit. And I didn't even workout today because I am just TOO TIRED. 2.5 hours of sleep just ain't enough to power through a Jillian Michaels workout. I'm glad I didn't work in a way, because I don't know how good I would've been.
I hate "issues." I hate how they plague a person. I hate how my mom's issues have plagued her for 53 years. I hate feeling like a Grade-A jerk for knowing full and well what my mom's issues are, and still getting ticked off at her for things. I feel so badly for what happened to her in her youth and in her life...and I understand that HER issues are what give me MY issues...I get all that. I understand. What I don't understand is why am I not more compassionate? Maybe because things hurt me, too. I'm still capable of feeling pain and emotion even though I genuinely do understand where she's coming from. Sometimes I just feel so much anger and sadness. Not always, not often, but sometimes. I hate how my issues have plagued me since I was a kid. I'm working HARD to overcome my issues and to be more compassionate to the issues of others...and I think I'm doing a pretty good job...but sometimes, we have those days when it seems like ALL the issues we've ever had just come rushing back and before we know it they are right there under our noses again. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not as far along as I think I am. It's hard to tell which part is self-hate talking or which part is reality talking. Then again, maybe it's all just because I'm over-tired.
Anyway, I'm absolutely exhausted. I try to force myself to write every day because it's part of my "therapy." Oh, at first I asked Husband to bring home wine because I was so stressed, but then told him to forget it. I took a long, hot shower and made myself a delicious cup of hot tea instead. In a way, that works even better than the wine...mostly because I'm not saddled with guilt after a hot shower and a cup of tea.
Here's my run-down for today:
Breakfast: whole wheat toast, peanut butter, almond milk.
Lunch: string cheese, medjool date, peanuts, wine.
Dinner: vegan stir-fry (tofu, peanuts, tri-colored peppers, broccoli, mushrooms, water chestnuts, carrots, black sesame seeds, ginger), brown rice, reduced-sodium soy sauce, hot sauce, almond milk.
Snacks: Special-K cereal, toast.
I'm hungry. I am trying really hard to not eat when I'm upset, or when I've been upset. I'm trying to learn to decipher the difference between the emotional eating part of me, or if it's legitimate hunger. My stomach is actually growling, so I think it's real hunger. After all, I didn't really have much of a lunch. Maybe I'll make another cup of hot tea. That is soothing and will fill my stomach. I would LOVE to have a couple Girl Scout cookies to go with my tea...but I won't.
*EDIT* I decided to have a small bowl of cereal and a piece of whole wheat toast. No regrets. I'm glad I had something to eat. My tummy doesn't feel hungry anymore.
I feel like I've been beaten up, chewed up, and spit back out again. I can barely hold my head up. It's so much more than just being tired. I feel completely drained, emotionally. My mom..well, my parents...my family...they are the people I try so hard not to hurt, yet somehow, eventually, I always seem to manage to do it. Why is it that the people who are the most important to me, I end up disappointing the most? My family. I've hurt them more than I've hurt anyone else. I know I am also very good to them...but I have made some big mistakes. I can never take that back. I'm a good mom, a good daughter, a good wife, and a good person. I know this. Sometimes I just can't make people happy no matter what I do, and this was one of those times. I just don't know what else to say about it, so I choose to say nothing more. It's over and done with and my parents (say) things are fine now, and that they are not upset or hurt. I'm just left here...feeling confused and disappointed and completely drained.
The end. Exhausted. Goodnight.