Monday, May 12, 2014
..starts with a single step, right? Mine has included several stumbles, trip ups, brusies, cuts and scrapes. Nothing is easy. I recognize that. For me, weight loss is one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life. It has consumed so much of who I am and how I feel about myself that to take for granted the path I've been on since age 5 is to deny who I truly am.
Last time I thought I had it. I really did. I thought I knew what I was doing. I really thought I had a handle on it and thought I had really changed my life. But life is funny in that, just when you think you have it all figured out, you're thrown for a loop and find your ground slipping out beneath you. In many ways, I recognize myself as both the strongest and weakest person I know.
I've been working really hard in the past year to try to understand who I am and what I want from life. For so long I was doing what everyone told me I needed to do, who I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to like...but living a life that isn't true to who you are is exhausting. Keeping up appearances is exhausting. The constant struggle to shove down any inclinations or cries for help from the depths of your soul to be recognized as a valued person...it's just exhausting.
I want to say I'm done. I'm done denying myself. I'm done giving up on myself. But I know better than to make blanket statements like that. I recognize that I am addicted to a perverse pride-shaming cycle of loving and distrusting myself, and it's going to take moving mountains to break those habits that were taught to me at such a very young age. That being said, I would like to be done with that cycle of self-abuse. I would like to validate myself and give myself the voice I need to be who I am going to be - flawed and imperfect and silly and dumb at times. I don't have to know everything. It's okay to stumble. It's even okay to fall back on a promise if you recognize that keeping that promise is to deny yourself or somehow feed into the cycle of self-shaming you've become so attached to.
I want to be ready to move on.
One single step.
This week, I will work toward getting 64 ounces of water every day and will work on making better choices and recognizing how my body reacts to certain foods. This week I will be okay if I do not succeed. This week I will forgive myself and love myself, no matter how successful I am, no matter how much I weigh, no matter whether or not I lose a pound or an inch. This week I will learn to love myself at this one single moment in time and will try to do better for myself, not to prove anything to anyone, not so I can be who I'm supposed to be, but so that I can love myself by showing myself love.
This one step may be the hardest one I have ever taken.