Starting a new and dealing with the demon within...
Monday, May 12, 2014
Yet again I am trying to step on the merry go round ride of weight loss and take control of my weight and my body! I remember the pre-teen I once was, thin with a bit of a tummy, it wasn't flat so therefore I was FAT! I really wish I could go back in time and smack my former self...Since my teens I have been on a weight roller coaster and this past year I have been at my heaviest in my entire life. I always said that if I ever get to 300 I should just kill myself, but that is my inner demon talking. I have already dealt with that, I'm really exposing myself and that since I was 7 to about 22/23 I had been one suicidal kid but I was never "strong" enough to go through with it. Which I need to stop speaking about, I know it helps some people but when I start talking about it, writing about it...it just brings me down the spiral and the feelings of cutting come over me once more. I know I need see someone about this but right now I have no money and no insurance to speak to someone and hopefully someone who will actually help me. The one thing I really have to work on is being able to look at my body in the mirror, I mean really look at it. Right now when I look at myself in the mirror I just get images, unhealthy ones, I see a knife just stabbing my stomach over and over and over.....maybe it's my mentality attacking my fat? I don't know but I know it's something I need to work on.
So I have set a goal to do some exercise once a day for 30 days. I have chosen yoga, it's not too intense so it's asthma friendly, it's calming and helps you focus on your body through breathing and meditation, it helps in flexibility, and I can do something different each day and not get bored. The least I do is 5 minutes and the most so far is 20-30 minutes. I started this last Sunday May 4th, took chest, waist and hip measurements and will measure myself once 30 days has past to see the progress.
I have re-started the 30 Days of Fit Food challenge, today. I had started it in April but since I am on limited income I didn't have the money to get the food needed to continue with it, so I stopped rather than pause and continue later. I feel the need to do it continuously for the whole 30 days. I did most of Week 1 food shopping yesterday and today is my first day of it. My plan is to do a daily blog, with pictures about the meals and what I'm eating, what is listed to eat and how I have modified the meals. Like the oatmeal, I'm using steel cut oats instead of rolled oats. There are beans listed, blech, ya I only like pureed beans so not going out to buy any black beans or any other type of bean. Also some meals call for 2 tablespoons salsa, I just can't see opening a jar of salsa running the risk that it will go bad since I won't being using all of it, or not even half of it throughout the whole challenge. As for the condiments, salsas, dressings, hummus, granola....I will be making those from scratch instead of going out and getting store bought ones.
1 I'm not going to use the whole bottle
2 Most of what I can afford has GMOs in them (Genetically modified organism...created by Monsanto who also created Agent Orange used in the Vietnam War and LIED in a congressional hearing about it's effects on the human body and was caught doing so. So I do NOT trust them, especially when there are over 19 countries that have a ban on GMOs, including China and Russia! Also there hasn't been a long term study on GMO and the human body, there has been on mice and what was shown after 30 yrs of being fed GMO food, the majority of mice were obese and riddled with cancerous tumors.)
3 The ingredient list often contain unnecessary ingredients and is pumped up with chemicals and preservatives.
A side reason for me to be sticking to this now more than ever, besides the fact that I'm 32 and not getting any younger....my younger brother just proposed to his girlfriend and she accepted! Yea! I'm so happy for them, but it makes me look at myself and again those inner demons are there waiting for me. Your older brother is married and has a family, your younger brother is now to be married and start a family, and you, you have no one and nothing. You're just a big fat loser. You're morbidly obese, can't even fit in amusement park rides, have trouble fitting in airplane seats. Have failed countless times at college, don't even have a career let alone a job, and the only job you can get is a minimum wage one in retail, no career there or hope to being able to support yourself. If it weren't for your Mother you would be on the streets, mooching off of her and both your brothers look down at you for it.
I don't want to have to go to the wedding and face everyone, thinking that everyone there is looking down at me, saying all the things about me that my demons are telling me they're saying.
In the next few days I'm going to have to make some choices, look at myself and decide what is the best course of action to take. I'm not sure what yet, but since I live in Florida and it's a bit like Massachusetts, where full time students are required to have health insurance and if they don't must purchase it from the school, rather the school tacks $400 onto their bill, I can actually get medical and psychological help dealing with my ADHD. I don't need extended testing, but what I do need is to go back on meds, with school I get so overwhelmed and just shut down. Then I get so ashamed that I won't even go to the professor, maybe it's pride...I can just hear the teacher going, well you never once told me of this so it's too late, what makes you so special that you should get more time? You could of done it if you really wanted to. If you actually put the effort in and didn't screw around with your time. Again, inner demons rearing and roaring their ugly heads at me.