Saturday, May 10, 2014
Over the past week, I have become ,MORE, aware of all the changes that I need to make to get where I want to go. WHile I don't have a specific timetable of what will ( I hope) happen when,I do have goals. SOmehow whenever I make goals I get frightened by the prospects of reaching them. WHat if I really can't do it? WHat if I never lose weight? What if I don't get stronger? ALl these negative thoughts weigh me down and sabotage my efforts.
I have been fighting with GOUT for the last 3 weeks. It is still quite painful sometimes, particularly at night and wakes me from my sleep most nights. I have been managing on 2-3 hours sleep a night and although I doze off during the day, it never is for more than 1 hour at a time. I see the doctor again on Tuesday and I hope he just tells me that it will take as long as it takes. I keep thinking, WHat if it isn't gout, but something else? I imagine all kinds of things. I have been sleeping most nights in my chair in the livingroom as it is the only place where I get relief.
This tells you where I am mentally. I am worn out, over tired, in pain, scared and have no confidence. This is all mixing me up and I know a lot of it is from being so tired.
On the plus side. DH and I have been following my low carb/ High protein diet. We started Tuesday. As I can only eat most green vegetables, 1 egg yolk and lean meats plus all the egg whites I want, I was expecting a boring mundane existence. FAr from it! I am loving what we are eating and am NEVER hungry. I don't crave or snack during the day and only have sugar free Jello for a nighttime snack. I am not weighing in until Tomorrow morning. I am so nervous. I will see the specialist again on the 16th and the truth will come out. I sometimes wonder if I drink too much during the day. I always have a drink with me and go through quite a lot. Does anyone know if there is a point where you can be waterlogging yourself? I take many meds that dry out your mouth and throat and am constantly hungry.
This is just a lot of ramblings. Tonight I feel quite overwhelmed. I wish I could get a break from all this and get a couple of good nights sleep.
Oh yeah, 1 more issue. I went for my physio assessment and I was supposed to begin 3x a week for 8 weeks before another assessment. Because of my leg I cannot do physio. I can't even walk sometimes and I have to take an hour long bus ride and walk to the clinic and then back. Not to mention I can't bear anyone or anything to touch it or put pressure on it. SIgh....