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    PJH2028   18,194
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May 9 - Here today…. Tracks

Friday, May 09, 2014


Where does the time go?
Reading "The Map of Enough" -- about a woman and her fiancé who build a yurt in Montana -- for a year…. challenging her "nomad" identity forged from a childhood of moving often.

I've been reading memoirs recently. Mostly women… in some kind of major Life Shift.

I've been hunkered in forts while simultaneously always on the s h i f t … for all of my life.
Plans and procrastinations. Exercises not done, or surely not done every day.
What is it with me?

Where is my assiduousness? For me? Not for Others?
MUST REMEMBER "WHAT WORKED IN THE PAST"… at least in the SPARK and weight management area. (Hate those words, for they don't represent properly what I'm talking about).

I weigh 165#
Up 10 from stable low of 2012 154.5 / Up 15 from lowest scale of that year 149.5

I feel heavy.
I HAVE ARTHRITIS in MY FEET! (f**K) I'm pissed about this! Betrayed? Caught. Caught up with. A half a lifetime of weight and stride abuse…. and I did not get through 'unscathed' after all.

165. I lost, what?, 70# from 235 start (this time, e.g. 2010 spark)
My skin looks like a sharpAY (top weight in life 299 at 17)

I am transplanted and uprooted from my Chicago world. The root bound life on Winchester Avenue. I am tethered by love and something else to my relationship with Joe. I am questioning it a lot. Almost left. Stayed … for love? for familiarity? for????

I've been BODYcentric all my life. A life of Food Addiction / Food Disorder / Food ISSUES
I am seeing a chiropractor now (terrific fellow - just terrific) who is helping me with my arthritis feet and a shoulder injury. He is super "fit" california style -- biking, surfing, triathaloning, etc. I am finding MASSAGE people to help me. Trying on different perspectives of affiliation. They are my connection to this place… to which I otherwise have very little connection. I am living on a rental income in another location plus freelance work. I am a VERY VERY lucky gal -- to have this time. MUST USE IT, I tell myself.

BUT
WHAT DO I WANT?

I miss my mom.
I wonder about WHAT ELSE it is I should be doing that is not this?
I wonder about TIME PASSING

And then I remember TODAY
What did I do today?
I didn't track my food
Would I feel better about my self if I had? If so, why?
safe? ritual? guarantee?

TO KNOW that I am doing what it takes to "onward and downward"
Well.. If I don't track, then I don't know. Keeping track helps me make GOOD DECISIONS

And it is in my nature to question my decisions or to not remember them
It seems to be in my nature to chew and seek nibbles… as segues… as page turners
So…

ADAPT, P

Sunny again after what seemed a period of cold and damp.

Headed to Chicago for a visit in a couple of weeks.
No time like the present.

So much to learn.
EXPERIENCE.
NOW.

Where am I going?
I'm here.

xxo

What does this mean?
No idea.
Will post it without re-reading.
Why?
Because this is MY PLACE.
My place to be truthful about how my Body and Wt are steering and being steered by ….
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NONIE_C 5/10/2014 1:22PM

    I love when you open up and spill out. You share so beautifully and unabashedly. Now I want to share something truly life-alteringly amazing that happened to me recently. I tried to kill myself with food. For a week straight, I overate compulsively every day. I felt like I might explode. I wanted to explode. One night, I did explode (after eating an entire pizza). I told a friend what I was doing and she said I sounded like an addict. She suggested I go to OA...and I did. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a home, and I also feel like I've found a program (not a diet or fitness program - a life program) that can help me be the best version of myself...and that doesn't mean a number on a scale, but by working this program, that number will go down because the self-destruction becomes a thing of the past. I know your story differs from mine, and I'm not promoting. I just want to share what's working for me...

Whatever path to peace you walk, I hope it is well lit and easy to follow.
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CHOCOHIPPO 5/10/2014 12:46PM

    Hang in there. You will figure it out.

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