Where does the time go?
Reading "The Map of Enough" -- about a woman and her fiancé who build a yurt in Montana -- for a year…. challenging her "nomad" identity forged from a childhood of moving often.
I've been reading memoirs recently. Mostly women… in some kind of major Life Shift.
I've been hunkered in forts while simultaneously always on the s h i f t … for all of my life.
Plans and procrastinations. Exercises not done, or surely not done every day.
What is it with me?
Where is my assiduousness? For me? Not for Others?
MUST REMEMBER "WHAT WORKED IN THE PAST"… at least in the SPARK and weight management area. (Hate those words, for they don't represent properly what I'm talking about).
I weigh 165#
Up 10 from stable low of 2012 154.5 / Up 15 from lowest scale of that year 149.5
I feel heavy.
I HAVE ARTHRITIS in MY FEET! (f**K) I'm pissed about this! Betrayed? Caught. Caught up with. A half a lifetime of weight and stride abuse…. and I did not get through 'unscathed' after all.
165. I lost, what?, 70# from 235 start (this time, e.g. 2010 spark)
My skin looks like a sharpAY (top weight in life 299 at 17)
I am transplanted and uprooted from my Chicago world. The root bound life on Winchester Avenue. I am tethered by love and something else to my relationship with Joe. I am questioning it a lot. Almost left. Stayed … for love? for familiarity? for????
I've been BODYcentric all my life. A life of Food Addiction / Food Disorder / Food ISSUES
I am seeing a chiropractor now (terrific fellow - just terrific) who is helping me with my arthritis feet and a shoulder injury. He is super "fit" california style -- biking, surfing, triathaloning, etc. I am finding MASSAGE people to help me. Trying on different perspectives of affiliation. They are my connection to this place… to which I otherwise have very little connection. I am living on a rental income in another location plus freelance work. I am a VERY VERY lucky gal -- to have this time. MUST USE IT, I tell myself.
WHAT DO I WANT?
I miss my mom.
I wonder about WHAT ELSE it is I should be doing that is not this?
I wonder about TIME PASSING
And then I remember TODAY
What did I do today?
I didn't track my food
Would I feel better about my self if I had? If so, why?
safe? ritual? guarantee?
TO KNOW that I am doing what it takes to "onward and downward"
Well.. If I don't track, then I don't know. Keeping track helps me make GOOD DECISIONS
And it is in my nature to question my decisions or to not remember them
It seems to be in my nature to chew and seek nibbles… as segues… as page turners
Sunny again after what seemed a period of cold and damp.
Headed to Chicago for a visit in a couple of weeks.
No time like the present.
So much to learn.
Where am I going?
What does this mean?
Will post it without re-reading.
Because this is MY PLACE.
My place to be truthful about how my Body and Wt are steering and being steered by ….