Friday, May 09, 2014
The famous final scene!!!
The song by Bob Seger, has been in my head all day. I woke up very early, again, and depressed.
I have been really tired today and knowing I have to get up again early tomorrow and go get my dog from her surgery.
Monday back to the doctor, and at least I got my lab results back so I can go over them with her. Still no results of the ultrasound. I guess I am in menopause. That is really the only thing I can figure out by reading these hormone level results. Yes, PCOS can mess up your hormone levels as well.
But I am sure this is what they are going to tell me, based on my hormone levels.
It doesnt really bother me that much. Yes there is this feeling of finality. Like, ok, that phase of my life is over and yet I feel this longing, not that I ever ever wanted more children.
But I guess its the fact of knowing I couldnt even if I wanted and taking my dog to be spayed all in the same day of getting these results, makes me feel a little like I have taken something from her as well.
What is bothering me the most is my sense deep down inside of the last link to my girlhood.
Not childhood, but being a GIRL. My friend had an older boyfriend many years ago and every time we seen him, he would say " Here's the girls".
I am no longer a girl.
When you are young all you want is to be a woman. To be grown, to grow up.
Now, I have this feeling of just wishing I could be a girl again.
I have known for some time that this was coming and with the last few months of my cycle being messed up, dry skin, dry hair, my vitamin d being messed up, etc. I am not at all surprised or taken aback that my hormone levels are what they are.
Out of all of it, what is bothering me the most is knowing that this is really messing with my ability to lose weight.
This overall is the biggest factor in my weight loss stopping. I cannot get my hormones leveled out and I cannot find the right balance.
All I think about from daylight to dark is what I eat. Am I walking, did I eat too many calories, drink my water, getting the right vitamins. Will this morsel of food put me over my calories, how many grams of fat is in this, what about protein?????
It has become an never ending job to count calories, and feel depressed and sad and messed up and failing because I didnt eat as healthy as I should.
I shouldnt have had that snack.
I should have walked longer, I should have lost a pound by now, why am I not losing a pound, even one little pound?????
I am feeling so seriously depressed. I am 46 and what happens next?
I have a small glimmer of hope in my life, and while I wont go into detail, I dont want to get my hopes up too high, because the fall is way too far and my bones are getting old and when they break, they take much longer to heal.
I just want the 20th to come and go so I can get it behind me and be done.
Then will come the wait and see. More fear, more stress, more what ifs.
And I dont want to have to have surgery to lose weight, so I am to the point now that I either have to work 3 times harder and maybe fail and not lose any weight, or just be satisfied with where I am and how much I weigh and be done with all of this.
But I feel like I am up against a wall.
This is what is bothering me.
I dont wanna grow up!!!!