Tuesday, May 06, 2014
...I actually created a separate SparkPeople account to hide from my SparkFriends because I'm embarrassed? Notice I didn't say "was embarrassed." I AM embarrassed. Over the last 2 years, I've gained from 155 to 209... essentially 60 pounds. Still below my all time high of 235, but definitely not a healthy shift.
I'm sorry I didn't have more faith in all of you to be accepting and supportive. To be honest, when I was "in the zone" and losing/maintaining so well I lost my perspective and felt myself quietly judging others that weren't doing as well as I was. So naturally, I assumed that everyone else would do the same when I fell down... we project our feelings and behavior patterns on others, right?
Anyway, here I am again... my page says Take 3 but it's probably more like take 30 over the course of my adult life. I'm actively acknowledging that I need help. I need support. I need to be active on this community and help others because even though I know I should do this for myself I perform much better when I'm trying to set a good example and sharing my struggles with others that understand (and vice versa). No one else in my immediate family needs to worry about food or weight, and no one in my extended family cares to try even though they are as large or larger than me (with the exception of my sister, who has done an admirable job of maintaining a healthy weight for years).
I'm rambling now, but I just really feel like my weight (and even more so, my obsession with changing it) has become excessive noise in my life that is preventing me from being happy. Notice I said it's not my weight per se - it's really my constant struggle that impacts my happiness. I need to either spend my energy accepting my weight (love thyself) or focus that energy on reaching a healthy weight that feels more naturally acceptable to me... and given the crazy number of health and joint problems my lovely mother is having after carrying excess weight most of her adult life (she's only 65 now), I know it's not a safe thing for me to simply accept myself as I am. I need to get the excess weight off my joints because arthritis is in my genes and therefore likely in my future.
Thanks for listening, anyone who stumbles by... and thank you to my SparkFriends that may still be lurking and watching for me. I'm very sorry to see that my friend EvilKlown has deleted his page... he was always a constant no matter how often I fell away from the site.