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late nite funnies

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

Donald Sterling's girlfriend said she's “going to be president of the United States” one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations. -Jimmy Fallon

After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Rob Ford said he's taking a leave of absence, and of course he's earned it. The guy's been up since 2004. -Conan O'Brien

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently back smoking the crack. There is a picture of him smoking the crack and a videotape is out as well. Is there a videotape out there of him not smoking crack? The crack dealer videotaped him smoking crack. It is a sad state of affairs, ladies and gentlemen, when you can't trust your drug dealer. -David Letterman

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford checked himself into rehab. I didn't see that coming. A sober mayor of Toronto? I'm getting out of late night just in time. -Craig Ferguson

A New York man is being sued for a quarter of a million dollars after his ex-girlfriend claimed he harassed her with nearly a hundred emails. If 100 emails are worth a quarter of a million dollars, that means Crate & Barrel owes me $256 billion. -Seth Meyers

Facebook has come out with a new feature that lets people see where their friends are at all times. It's called, 'Nearby Friends,' which is better than the original title, 'Avoiding Relatives.' -Jimmy Fallon

Ronald McDonald recently received a makeover, which includes a new vest and bow tie. Not to be outdone, after an operation the Burger King is now the Burger Queen. -Conan O'Brien

Paula Deen is continuing her comeback by launching a 20-city cooking tour. Her first gig: catering Donald Sterling's farewell party. -Jimmy Fallon

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he doesn't think Donald Sterling should be kicked out of the league for comments made in private conversation. After hearing this Sterling said, "Wow, this is the first time I've liked a Cuban." -Conan O'Brien

In the middle of his second term, President Obama's approval rating once again has dropped. Obama's approval rating is so low that today Hillary Clinton said, "I'll take it from here." -David Letterman

The NBA has banned Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life. He's pretty old. They could've just said two years. It would have been the same thing. -Craig Ferguson

Facebook has acquired a new mobile app that would allow users to track their exercise and measure how many calories they've burned. So if you love Facebook, and you love exercise, you're lying about one of those. -Seth Meyers

Aquaman is making his big screen debut in the upcoming Justice League movie. I'm not clear how Aquaman will get into the Justice League headquarters. It's an all-glass building with no rivers or streams leading to it. It gives me a bad feeling that Aquaman arrives through the toilet. -Craig Ferguson

Producers are currently working on a remake of the classic 1959 Charlton Heston film 'Ben-Hur.' They're calling the remake 'Ben-Hur, Done That.' -Jimmy Fallon

L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded telling his girlfriend not to hang out with black people. Some people are actually defending Sterling, saying he has a very good record of hiring minorities. For instance, he always has at least one white guy on the team. -Jimmy Fallon

Here in L.A., Donald Sterling, the owner of the Clippers, has been caught on tape making racist remarks. After the audio was released, the NAACP decided not to honor Sterling with a second lifetime achievement award. Instead, they're giving him "The Reason We Still Need an NAACP" award. -Conan O'Brien

In Rome we got two new saints, and it's the first time we had two Popes officiating over the canonization. St. Peter's square was packed. The first 50,000 people got bobblehead dolls. -David Letterman

Aquaman is making his big screen debut. He will be in the upcoming Justice League movie. Unlike other superheroes, Aquaman doesn't wear a mask. He hides his identity another way — by not being popular enough to need a secret identity. -Craig Ferguson
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