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Why? Really.


Sunday, May 04, 2014

203.8

Today Iíll count my calories, get in 30 minutes of exercise, and use a short walk around our block when the kids get to me.

I have to find a balance. I get uncomfortable, sort of freaked out, by looking good and attracting male attention. I need to work on that piece. I donít have to date. I donít. Itís a great feeling to be able to move freely, to have body confidence. Strength, power. I deserve those feelings. Iím worthy.

It feels like it comes down to feeling at fault for being victimized. I know thatís total bs when it comes to being a child victim. The realities are complicated. I cared for the man as a father. Wanted positive attention and affection. I got plenty of negative scary attention like the other kids. Yelling, hitting, hurtful words. It was a scary environment. Momís state of mind didnít help, but of course she was in victim mode as well. The point is, I didnít want the bad attention, feared and hated it.

Iím not mom. As an adult, it took me awhile, but I got out and didnít go back. Weíre not living a comfortable life financially, and that gets to me. But itís a price to be paid for living on our own. And we are so much better off than others. I donít handle my finances well because I feel guilty about putting the kids in this situation. But, we are so much better off. No violence or fear in this home.

There is no violence or fear in this home. Thatís what my goal has been. Itís an important thing to me. The kids donít know it. They havenít lived the fear, and Iím glad for that. But acknowledging it means I can start letting go of the grief and guilt.

Weíre not affluent. I didnít provide the house with the yard and the tree house. My biggest fault is feeling guilty about that and trying to make it up to them. They get something so many kids donít, safety. Yes, there are safe kids, loved kids, fortunate kids. But I needed to keep them safe in a way that made sense to me.

And I did that. We have other challenges. The kids will probably spend their adulthoods avoiding the mistakes I made. But they grew up loved. And safe from abusers.

So letís celebrate that. Iíll celebrate that. Iím a good mom in the way that mattered to me. It took so much energy. Really. I think partly because I wasnít always conscious of what I was doing. So, anytime I got close to wanting to date, allowing a man into our lives, there was an undercurrent that I wasnít even aware was influencing me. If I let a man in, he might fool me and end up being bad, hurt the kids. So I couldnít. How would I know if heíd be good or bad? I made mistakes with previous relationships. I could be fooled.

And part of me wanted to date, to have care and sex and the possibility of a loving companion. Iíve missed that. I mourn the future without the comfort of a love who could accept me as the aging woman I am, warts and all.

Thatís why Iíve been confused about my feelings about my ex. He was my adult abuser. And I loved him, completely, deeply. I still feel that love. Do I feel it because Iím still confusing abuse with love? Good question. Do I feel it because weíre connected by first love, by a true connection? I have no doubt he would dominate me again. Iíd be angry and miserable by the conflict. Tenderness and abuse. Such a horrible potent combination. He rejected me. He was cruel, comparing me to other lovers, rejecting me when I put on weight.

Funny. Weight that put distance between us and in a way, protected me from him. As it protects me from other men.

Do I need that protection? If I maintain awareness, I wonít go back to my ex. If I maintain awareness, can I protect myself from other male abusers?

I didnít protect myself from my last boss. Different relationship as he was my boss, but he was so like my ex. Unpredictable, kind, mean, controlling.

I have to be stronger, physically as it is symbolic as well as tangible, financially, as I canít lean on a man for that, it truly puts me in a position of weakness. And I have to be strong emotionally, aware of what I feel and how it influences my behavior.

To start, I need to feel better, stronger, physically. That is a huge part of me. I was onto something when I wanted to build strength to change my self perception from victim to capable. So thatís the first thing.

I donít have to date as I thin down. I donít trust myself to make good choices yet. Thatís OK.
If I ever go there again, I want tenderness and compassion.

But first, I need to be tender and compassionate with myself.
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