Friday, May 02, 2014
My last blog was a little over a year ago. In that time, I dealt with some nearly crippling depression and isolation. I started a job and am still in that job - I survived a bad boss and just got a shiny new one. My life has once again become my job During the week, I have very little spare time.
I leave home at 6:15 and get home about 6:30. 2-3 hours of driving a day and a high-stress job leave me very tired. I come home at night, play with the dog, eat in front of the TV and go to bed. I still haven't made it to the gym in the building - I never have time to go to lunch during the day, let alone go work out. And long walks with the dog? Much of the winter it wasn't really possible. But whenever I can, I get out there with him and go for miles and miles...
I do have my Fitbit. At the end of some days it only registers 4000 steps or so. But on others I get up to 20k. I'm a weekend warrior of sorts.
As my depression started to lift - oh, just this week - I realized that I am probably depressed because I am no longer a priority to myself. Just work and the dog. I've pretty much alienated myself from my friends. Depression does that to me - I don't feel like people want anything to do with me. Rational or not, I can't bring myself to reach out.
The thing is, depression is a horrible spiral. Because I'm depressed, I'm not a priority to myself - or to anyone. And because I'm not a priority, I don't try.
Over the past year, I've quit tracking - although Fitbit syncs automatically with Spark. At first it was OK. I had spent so much time measuring every morsel that I knew portion sizes and calorie counts in my head. I stayed away from trigger foods and ate as well as I could.
And then - stress eating. I found the vending machine. I would have good days and bad days, and finally fell into a pattern of food being my comfort and pretty much just had bad days. I quit cooking and started living on fruits, veggies, veggie burgers, doritos, peanut butter, cookies, and take out.
I've gained weight. I don't know how much - I've gone up a pants size.
And now I'm getting back to the self I found while I was unemployed in 2012. The path to that self is full of debris, but it is there. I'll find it. I have no idea how much weight I have gained, and I'm not going to weigh myself for at least a week. Why? I don't know. I think I want to take this one step at a time - and I also don't want to freak myself out with what is likely a pretty big number on that scale.
So yeah, lots of changes around here too. I've been trying to catch up on blogs, found some of my friends have signed off for good, see the website itself has changed quite a bit, and it is really great to see how many of you have stuck with it, stayed the course, and are enjoying varying measures of success.
I may very well be writing to myself for myself without an audience right now, but I'm going to continue this blog the way I started it back way long ago. A place to think, consider and be me.