Tuesday, April 29, 2014
I went COMPLETELY off the rails last night. I thought I was being so smart. I ate my favorite local restaurant's food for dinner on Sunday night, my free day. And I only ate half thinking I could track the other half for dinner last night and still stay reasonably within or perhaps even just a tad over my calories for the day. Well, I ate every bit of it, and then some, and then some more. I still managed to throw out some of it, and I don't like wasting food. This could also be why I'm fat in the first place. "Clean your plate, Leah!" "Don't waste food! People are starving in Bangaladesh!"
That's a trick though, isn't it? Just having enough to eat. What does that even mean? To me it means even when it comes to eating healthy, you CAN have too much broccoli. And by too much, I mean buying too much during my weekly grocery run. It is a very intricate thing, this pre-planning...I strive to have weekly grocery list that encompasses satisfaction, health, and a minimum of less healthy items. But I can't eat two broccoli crowns, a 3lb bag of kale, a bag of arugula and a bag of baby spinach in one week. Not with everything else one needs for a balanced diet.
So this leads me back to going off the rails. My initial take-out order was probably enough for 4 people, and I ate guiltless and heartily on Sunday night, leaving what I thought was a reasonable portion for the following night's dinner. Epic, epic fail. For the most part, it probably was a reasonable portion...I even tracked it to the best of my ability using similar food items I found during my search. I started pretty normally, but then once I started, I couldn't stop...and then immediately had anxiety.
What was my trigger? I asked myself. It's hard for me to pinpoint. The flavor of this meal, one of my all time favorite foods? The unbearable emptiness I sometimes feel and the act of filling it up with food? Simple lack of discipline? Honestly, I think it could also be emotional destructiveness. I'm an emotional person, and that's definitely a trigger for a lot of things. But you know what? I successfully quit smoking, diet and regular soda and drinks, but I don't need any of those to live, right?
What is the secret to not denying myself but limiting myself? I nag my husband all the time about how a lot of his problems are rooted in just plain laziness. Well, mine too. Just plain too lazy to even just say "Enough, Leah. You've had enough."
Ahhhhh....none of this makes any sense.