Yes, rangy. Like I'm tired of pinpoint accuracy, I want a range. I want a range of calories, a range of minutes to expect out of myself for focused exercise, a range of work to get done in any one day, and a range of weight as my target instead of one number. A nice range that keeps my pendulum swing in a comfy spot.
And that's what I'm going to shoot for.
Why am I thinking about this? Today I had to redo my overall weightloss goal because I, yet again, gained weight this Saturday. Yes, I was at an all-time non-pregnant high. Today is a bit better, but I felt horrible Saturday. I was really down about it, feeling stupid, and feeling wholly ineffective at living life.
But I'm not.
I'm no longer at my all time high. I'm not ineffective. I am not stupid. I do stupid things sometimes. I definitely do have a reality disconnect with food sometimes. What do I mean? I mean I'm a fantastic liar. Yessirree! I lie to myself all the time, that eating x, y, or z doesn't matter. Well, it doesn't. As long as you don't eat too much of x, y, or z! Or eat it right after you've filled up on dinner.
I do firmly believe all foods are ok to eat as long as they don't trigger a person's allergies or sensitivities. So yeah, you can eat mac and cheese. But can you eat a whole box of it? Well, I guess you can, but then you have to have a connection in your brain that understands, right down to the bottom of your bottom, that you ARE going to gain weight, inches, despair, and lose self-respect if you eat it all in one sitting (unless you're a linebacker or pro athlete or someone else who's going to burn it off in a couple of hours). But see, that's where I'm a little broken. That connection seems mostly severed. Or...I conveniently forget. Yes, it must be that.
Selective memory. Selective maturity. Selective reality!
So, I am going to try to learn to connect my eating with reality. That's all. No fancy gimmicks, diets, or overarching plan to "get a grip" like I usually do. I just need to fix that broken connection. I need to stop eating when full. NOTICE when I'm full. Listen to the signals instead of ignoring them. And not eat when I'm not hungry, when that's possible (I'm often not ready for lunch, but then it's followed by a 3-hour appointment where I can't eat, so I have to have at least a small thing to eat when not hungry or else I make really stupid choices at dinner).
And, I need to stop lying to myself that "tonight doesn't matter." Um, yes it does. Each night matters. Each night that I overeat IS contributing to my weight gain. Each night I ignore the fact that I have no hunger signals, but I "just feel like having_____" and then eat, I'm pushing my weight higher.
Hey, maybe that can help me connect to reality - I'll make a little slider thing out of cardstock, and every time I grab a snack I'm not hungry for, I have to shove it a little higher, toward the next pound. A visual to connect my lies to reality.
Who ever knew I would be such a great liar (to myself) when I don't get any practice by lying to others? Who knew such an honest person could be such a fantastic liar? 'Cause I'm good, really really good at it. Like I may have invented a new level of denial.
So, I want a range. And I want to connect to reality. And stop acting like a little kid around food.
That is all.
ok, that isn't all. I also want to look and feel great, get out of the obese range, live longer for my needy kid, and...well, you get the idea.