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Feelin' Rangy

Monday, April 28, 2014

Yes, rangy. Like I'm tired of pinpoint accuracy, I want a range. I want a range of calories, a range of minutes to expect out of myself for focused exercise, a range of work to get done in any one day, and a range of weight as my target instead of one number. A nice range that keeps my pendulum swing in a comfy spot.

And that's what I'm going to shoot for.

Why am I thinking about this? Today I had to redo my overall weightloss goal because I, yet again, gained weight this Saturday. Yes, I was at an all-time non-pregnant high. Today is a bit better, but I felt horrible Saturday. I was really down about it, feeling stupid, and feeling wholly ineffective at living life.

But I'm not.

I'm no longer at my all time high. I'm not ineffective. I am not stupid. I do stupid things sometimes. I definitely do have a reality disconnect with food sometimes. What do I mean? I mean I'm a fantastic liar. Yessirree! I lie to myself all the time, that eating x, y, or z doesn't matter. Well, it doesn't. As long as you don't eat too much of x, y, or z! Or eat it right after you've filled up on dinner.

I do firmly believe all foods are ok to eat as long as they don't trigger a person's allergies or sensitivities. So yeah, you can eat mac and cheese. But can you eat a whole box of it? Well, I guess you can, but then you have to have a connection in your brain that understands, right down to the bottom of your bottom, that you ARE going to gain weight, inches, despair, and lose self-respect if you eat it all in one sitting (unless you're a linebacker or pro athlete or someone else who's going to burn it off in a couple of hours). But see, that's where I'm a little broken. That connection seems mostly severed. Or...I conveniently forget. Yes, it must be that.

Selective memory. Selective maturity. Selective reality!

So, I am going to try to learn to connect my eating with reality. That's all. No fancy gimmicks, diets, or overarching plan to "get a grip" like I usually do. I just need to fix that broken connection. I need to stop eating when full. NOTICE when I'm full. Listen to the signals instead of ignoring them. And not eat when I'm not hungry, when that's possible (I'm often not ready for lunch, but then it's followed by a 3-hour appointment where I can't eat, so I have to have at least a small thing to eat when not hungry or else I make really stupid choices at dinner).

And, I need to stop lying to myself that "tonight doesn't matter." Um, yes it does. Each night matters. Each night that I overeat IS contributing to my weight gain. Each night I ignore the fact that I have no hunger signals, but I "just feel like having_____" and then eat, I'm pushing my weight higher.

Hey, maybe that can help me connect to reality - I'll make a little slider thing out of cardstock, and every time I grab a snack I'm not hungry for, I have to shove it a little higher, toward the next pound. A visual to connect my lies to reality.

Who ever knew I would be such a great liar (to myself) when I don't get any practice by lying to others? Who knew such an honest person could be such a fantastic liar? 'Cause I'm good, really really good at it. Like I may have invented a new level of denial.

So, I want a range. And I want to connect to reality. And stop acting like a little kid around food.

That is all.

ok, that isn't all. I also want to look and feel great, get out of the obese range, live longer for my needy kid, and...well, you get the idea.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm so with you on hearing body signals. I just saw your comment on my blog and popped over to say hi..I think this is all a lot simpler than our brains make it sometimes! Eat till our bodies tell us we're full and exercise to workout but not burn out.. emoticon Have a fabulous week! emoticon emoticon
    1382 days ago
    I can't believe I missed this blog because it is so good, so honest and yes, I think you are right.

    The food dragon whispers all kinds of things to me that are all lies because it wants it's fix. And if I try to restrict my foods it begins to panic and becomes stealthier and more cunning. Of course sometimes it is so desparate for a fix that it says silly ridiculous things that when I say them out loud I can't believe I would/could have fallen for them.

    I totally relate to the forgetting. The blacking out of memories. Oh of course I can buy that cheesecake and bring it home. I'll just have one little piece. And WHO is going to eat the rest? There are only 2 people in my family other than me who eat cheesecake and those 2 are currently not living in my house nor will they be "in the neighbourhood". And yet I will think to myself "why yes, that is a splendid idea". Or I will forget that I have a planned meal at home and pick up something at the driveway. Forget that it is just an hour until dinner. Forget what sugar does when it is in my system causing cravings.

    Knowing that you lie to yourself is a step. I'm not sure how the "range" will work, but TRY it. If trying to stay perfect is a trigger for you then a range may be exactly what you need. Thinking about it one of the things that worked for me was setting a day's goal and then saying setting a MIMINUM goal. Goal of 5 veggies but at least 3... doing 30 minutes exercise but at least 10. So I guess the range worked for me very well.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1385 days ago
    This is so well said and so true to where I am as well, lying to myself about all the excess calories I eat when I'm not hungry - or at least not hungry for food! I should print this out and read it daily as a reminder for myself!
    1393 days ago
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