Monday, April 28, 2014
So far, 2014 has been quite eventful for me. From moving into my parents' house with my fiance, and working on completing my last two terms of college, and now looking for work, I can definitely say that food has been my coping mechanism-big time! I have gained about 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. I readily admit that. Yes, I've gained some weight, but I'm not going to start hating myself over that anymore. I'm not ugly-I never was. I'm gorgeous, and I feel amazing. Sure, I will have to do some extra work when I have the chance, and yes, I could be doing more to at least maintain my current weight, but I'm tired of being so down on myself just because I can't maintain the same active lifestyle I had when I was living on my own. I need to adjust to my surroundings. That's what I'd have to do in any situation. I just have to put my weight loss efforts on hold for now, and that's fine. I can still track, and I can still squeeze in workouts here and there.
I guess I was upset because when I was living on my own, I had gym access every single day. I'd get up at about 5:45, get dressed, and walk to the gym which opened at six. I'd work out for about an hour or so, then come home, shower, eat breakfast, get ready for school, then walk to school. I did this 5-6 days a week. Now that I don't live so close to school (about 17 miles away) I drive to school, and while I do have access to the gym, I have to lug all of my gym and shower stuff. I have to squeeze in a workout between class, plus have time to shower. It's a huge hassle. I used to go swimming during the evenings, but now, since I just go home, I don't have the money to be using so much gas just to drive 20 minutes to use a swimming pool for an hour. It's definitely harder than it was. I didn't realize, or appreciate I suppose, the convenience of living so close to school and the gym we have here.
I can go to the gym in the town I live in with either my brother or sister as both of their memberships allow guests, but my sister threw her back out (working out too hard perhaps?) and my brother broke his arm. So, they're not going to the gym anytime soon. But you know what? The weather is getting better, and I can go for walks. In fact, my goal today is to go out for a walk-at least a half hour. I enjoy running and I want to get back into it. I'm just not going to be negative about it, or think too much about how much farther I have to go to reach my goal. I guess this is the part where I just suck it up, and start slow again. It seems like every time I fall off the wagon, even a little bit, I try to grasp at any quick fix to get me back to "where I was", but it never works, and as I become more and more desperate, the weight slowly creeps back on until I finally say "ENOUGH".
In these times when I get off track, I have found that the hardest thing about it-every single time- is admitting it, accepting, "sucking it up", and admitting that the ONLY way to get back on track is to start small and work my way back to where I was the RIGHT way. That's seriously the hardest part. After I've done that, I feel optimistic and ready to start again. It's almost like a tantrum really.
I think another important thing I have to remember is that everyone goes through this! It would be silly to think that I would never see this weight again at least one more time before the big push to my goal weight. Even when I do reach it, I'm going to have to be vigilant and really keep watching what I eat. I haven't been this weight since 2010 and honestly, that's pretty darn good. I had a good 3 year gap of not seeing this weight, and being quite far away from it. I can admit that I fell back into some old habits, and I accept that.
I understand that right now, there's not a whole lot I can do. I am not in charge of what is being cooked at home, nor am I in charge of grocery shopping. I can distract myself. I have other things I need to be doing-like, my huge senior project that I have to give a presentation on May 29th. I have to finish typing it all out, and still keep track of my other classes. I definitely have stuff to do!
Alright. So there's my official "I admit it" post. I have fallen, and now after throwing a tantrum on the floor for quite a long time, I am ready to get back up, dust myself off, and pretend no one saw that.
Here we go.