Monday, April 28, 2014
After six weeks on the program and enough weight, but not more than 10 combined lbs and inches, lost to make a visible overall difference in my appearance, I am back down to what I my common "normal", although, like obese people who after a certain period stop counting the lbs gained or lost and just live in the moment, I consider this weight to be my highest that I can tolerate before I look measurably overweight.
So, this is what that means:
I have to have a "new normal" for weight maintenance, and I have to kick myself off the 130 lb podium in order to do it. Even maintaining at 125 is good because 5 lbs is a sizable difference to a small person with a relatively small frame. But the last time I was 125 was when I was 20 and two times when I was in my 40's. You know, the real truth is that I never paid attention to my weight or my appearance enough to care what I weighed and how I looked.
this blog is in process. The next entry will come later today.
Part II Continuation:
Bringing Holly's and River Rat's comments in, I think that the reason why numbers that represent our bodies are so confusing to us is because we really are spiritual entities tied up in these masses called flesh, bone, fat, sinew, organs, and brain.
So why do we love our grandmothers who have fleshy arms, who come in all sizes and shapes, who provide meals for us and hugs and love, and think nothing of their weight, BMI, and size when considering their love for us? Because love can't be measured in numbers, and our love for ourselves should likewise not be. That is the short answer to why we must accept even small gains when we can see them physically.
This may be why we need mirrors and measuring tape to take objective measurements of our changes and why we can congratulate ourselves on changes that we can actually see. This is how we can come to accept that we have taught ourselves something new at our age and that we are indeed changing. But does that change the youngster in ourself who has still not accepted herself? This is why we set vision boards and measurable goals for the girl in us to reach. But if the girl is 5' 2" and has a stocky frame and uses ballet dancers as her example, what she wants and hopes for in a desired weight and look MAY NOT COME. She will have to accept what she is. This is the hardest thing to accept in life: that we cannot be everything--that we have to be the one thing we were given: our destiny for ourselves. So--if I put 115 as a goal weight, and the last time I was 115 was once in high school between sixth and seventh hour, for one day and for one moment in time, I may not be able to reclaim it at age 52 1/2 just because I have an image of what I'll look like with less fat. That may not be best for me and I may not even like what I look like.
Right now what I want most is to learn to trust my gut and and instincts with food. However, relearning how to eat according to the plan means measuring everything so I understand how calories impact the body. The former means that sometimes I will override my instincts not to eat. When I have learned not to eat when I am not hungry and how to eat to stay on the thin side, and to eat when I am hungry, maybe my body will find its right weight. Until I do, I will claim some "finite" number somewhere lower on the scale that makes me feel better about this weight loss journey. I'll find the right weight somewhere….hopefully lower than 130 and higher than death from starvation.