I feel so emotional lately, I don't know why. Oh wait, I do...can we all say: P...M...S...? I don't completely mind it because if find it quite cathartic to cry over just about everything. So this blog will be full of aches and pains and plans and you know...
Work/Vet Life - a lot of emotions have come up this week. I saw a client the other day whose daughter is finishing her second year of vet school at OSU. When I first met her, she was just about to start (that would have been in the summer of 2012, right after I graduated). I also had a client this week who is a first-year vet student at OSU. We talked about profs and such and it brought up a lot of feelings. First, that I can't believe I got through it. Second, that somehow I thought life two years later would be very different. For so long it was "June 2012" that I was waiting for. Now, it feels like there is no end in sight. I'm excited and apprehensive about the new job. I keep telling myself: closer to home, more money, closer to home, more money. But really, I don't do what I do for the money. I just want to be somewhere where I am respected minimally as a human being, even better if as a doctor. Talking about vet school brought up memories of the last few weeks of school. Everything was possible: I had a job lined up and was about to fulfill my life's dream. This is a lip-dub video we did for our Senior Night. You don't really have to watch it, but it is a great song! Those last few weeks were all about the future: life was looking up.
Baby - so of course, that is an easy segue, because almost 2 years later, I feel stuck. Life isn't bad, but I'm not where I wanted to be. Here I am: same house, same town, leaving my job for the unknown, still fat and still as barren as the Sahara, apparently. Nothing much has changed. In the last 6-7 months, Zvika and I haven't even been able to give trying a real go - we're on hiatus until his crazy job settles down. This is where things go dark, as they always do when it is about babies. I just want this one f-ing thing to work itself out. Just this one. I DON'T WANT TO SPEND 30K TO HAVE A BABY. It's just that at 34 I feel like I should have more: a normal house (not even a dream house, just not one in the 'hood), the dream job, the little family, a 401-K, and yearly sunny vacations. Instead, I'm thinking about the 30K for IVF, the ungodly amount we owe in taxes, the debt we're still working on, the ridiculous amount in student loans that I owe...Now I realize that 30K for IVF seems like an extravagance when you have student loans and IRS payments. But wouldn't you really like me to post happy baby blogs? :) It is all just so daunting.
Oh wait, I just remembered. Didn't I make a promise to be positive and thankful? How about my plans for May...something that I can control?
1) April - well, that one got away from me. So did March, for that matter. Everything went downhill with my trip to Iowa. I prefer to make a clean start, so that reboot is set for May 1. The goal for May will be: organization. I want to start the second half of 2014 organized. I want to take the month of May to commit to a daily routine. I want to take the month of May to get my house very organized. I need to purge. I want to start my new job (June 1) feeling fresh and clean and organized, because I am tired of the chaos of work and dogs and cleaning and bills and cooking and exercising. I need a routine, I need a schedule. So that's the plan. It didn't get done last time I set this goal, but this time I know what I need to do to make it work.
1) Regarding SparkPeople: I still struggle with the balance, as I'm sure so many of you do. When I don't get on SP, it stresses me out that my SparkFriends will be hurt, even though I know everyone understands. When I do get on SP and remain active, I find myself spending far too much time online, albeit I'm enjoying myself, learning a lot and making friends. I still don't know how to reconcile this one. So many people make the decision to leave SP. Truly, two things keep me here: 1) the fact that it keeps my head in the game and 2) the people that I worry I won't be able to communicate with outside of SP (i.e. maybe they don't have a FB account or maybe they don't want to communicate outside of SP?)...those people keep me coming back.
So here is the decision that I've made: I am going to give it until December 31, 2014. I'm not going to make any decisions from now until then. But I have to find a way to create balance. May is a good time to work on that, before my new job starts in June.
3) I have two more months of Clomid - I was sneaky and refilled my prescriptions but didn't take them. I held on to the last two doses. I'm planning on trying them in May & June. If no pregnancy, then we're all in and IVF has to get started in July. I told Zvika I refuse to wait any longer. We have a lot of "big-ticket" items that we can sell and between that and saving some money each month, we should be able to swing that. We only have to come up with about 15K in July, then the rest over the next 6 weeks. So that gives us a total of 4 months to save the money - we should be able to get at least 15-20K from our big ticket items (car, boat, motorcycle, sand rail). Somehow we also need to think about paying down our IRS bills. UGH. Since May is all about organization, that is the month that I am going to sit down once and for all and come up with a budget plan. Please keep fingers and toes crossed that the Clomid works and we don't have to do IVF.
Alright, that's it for now :)
I hope everyone has a fantastic week!