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Day 32/66 - plans

Sunday, April 27, 2014

I feel so emotional lately, I don't know why. Oh wait, I do...can we all say: P...M...S...? I don't completely mind it because if find it quite cathartic to cry over just about everything. So this blog will be full of aches and pains and plans and you know...

Work/Vet Life - a lot of emotions have come up this week. I saw a client the other day whose daughter is finishing her second year of vet school at OSU. When I first met her, she was just about to start (that would have been in the summer of 2012, right after I graduated). I also had a client this week who is a first-year vet student at OSU. We talked about profs and such and it brought up a lot of feelings. First, that I can't believe I got through it. Second, that somehow I thought life two years later would be very different. For so long it was "June 2012" that I was waiting for. Now, it feels like there is no end in sight. I'm excited and apprehensive about the new job. I keep telling myself: closer to home, more money, closer to home, more money. But really, I don't do what I do for the money. I just want to be somewhere where I am respected minimally as a human being, even better if as a doctor. Talking about vet school brought up memories of the last few weeks of school. Everything was possible: I had a job lined up and was about to fulfill my life's dream. This is a lip-dub video we did for our Senior Night. You don't really have to watch it, but it is a great song! Those last few weeks were all about the future: life was looking up.

Baby - so of course, that is an easy segue, because almost 2 years later, I feel stuck. Life isn't bad, but I'm not where I wanted to be. Here I am: same house, same town, leaving my job for the unknown, still fat and still as barren as the Sahara, apparently. Nothing much has changed. In the last 6-7 months, Zvika and I haven't even been able to give trying a real go - we're on hiatus until his crazy job settles down. This is where things go dark, as they always do when it is about babies. I just want this one f-ing thing to work itself out. Just this one. I DON'T WANT TO SPEND 30K TO HAVE A BABY. It's just that at 34 I feel like I should have more: a normal house (not even a dream house, just not one in the 'hood), the dream job, the little family, a 401-K, and yearly sunny vacations. Instead, I'm thinking about the 30K for IVF, the ungodly amount we owe in taxes, the debt we're still working on, the ridiculous amount in student loans that I owe...Now I realize that 30K for IVF seems like an extravagance when you have student loans and IRS payments. But wouldn't you really like me to post happy baby blogs? :) It is all just so daunting.

Oh wait, I just remembered. Didn't I make a promise to be positive and thankful? How about my plans for May...something that I can control?

1) April - well, that one got away from me. So did March, for that matter. Everything went downhill with my trip to Iowa. I prefer to make a clean start, so that reboot is set for May 1. The goal for May will be: organization. I want to start the second half of 2014 organized. I want to take the month of May to commit to a daily routine. I want to take the month of May to get my house very organized. I need to purge. I want to start my new job (June 1) feeling fresh and clean and organized, because I am tired of the chaos of work and dogs and cleaning and bills and cooking and exercising. I need a routine, I need a schedule. So that's the plan. It didn't get done last time I set this goal, but this time I know what I need to do to make it work.

1) Regarding SparkPeople: I still struggle with the balance, as I'm sure so many of you do. When I don't get on SP, it stresses me out that my SparkFriends will be hurt, even though I know everyone understands. When I do get on SP and remain active, I find myself spending far too much time online, albeit I'm enjoying myself, learning a lot and making friends. I still don't know how to reconcile this one. So many people make the decision to leave SP. Truly, two things keep me here: 1) the fact that it keeps my head in the game and 2) the people that I worry I won't be able to communicate with outside of SP (i.e. maybe they don't have a FB account or maybe they don't want to communicate outside of SP?)...those people keep me coming back.

So here is the decision that I've made: I am going to give it until December 31, 2014. I'm not going to make any decisions from now until then. But I have to find a way to create balance. May is a good time to work on that, before my new job starts in June.

3) I have two more months of Clomid - I was sneaky and refilled my prescriptions but didn't take them. I held on to the last two doses. I'm planning on trying them in May & June. If no pregnancy, then we're all in and IVF has to get started in July. I told Zvika I refuse to wait any longer. We have a lot of "big-ticket" items that we can sell and between that and saving some money each month, we should be able to swing that. We only have to come up with about 15K in July, then the rest over the next 6 weeks. So that gives us a total of 4 months to save the money - we should be able to get at least 15-20K from our big ticket items (car, boat, motorcycle, sand rail). Somehow we also need to think about paying down our IRS bills. UGH. Since May is all about organization, that is the month that I am going to sit down once and for all and come up with a budget plan. Please keep fingers and toes crossed that the Clomid works and we don't have to do IVF.

Alright, that's it for now :)

I hope everyone has a fantastic week!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Getting this job close to home has already been a big achievement for the year. I hope Zvika's work slows down soon so u can get busy with the baby making again.
    883 days ago
    I would love to find something cathartic for myself but at this point nothing comes to mind. Too many years as a nurse taught me to stuff my feelings. I hope that never happens to you.

    I can remember when we graduated from nursing school. There were 5 of us who started at the same employer. We were green and scared to death. The other 4 looked to me to pave the way as I was #1 in my nursing class. I knew we were in deep dookie but I also knew that If I failed they felt they had no hope. They all spent a lot of time sobbing. Every time a doctor was less than nice they were basket cases. We worked with a neurosurgeon- they are never nice. I was called in early one night because one of the other nurses I went to school with had locked herself in the bathroom and I was sent to talk her out. To be honest we expected more support and got very little. We were one of the first groups of nurses to be ICCU nurses in our region. It was total stress! I remember at some point I came in one day when I had been there around 6 months and I felt different. I was sick of feeling inadequate. I wasn't stupid and would no longer put up with anyone thinking I was. It wasn't lost on anyone. One of the doctors said, "We (his medical group) were wondering if any of you were going to make it and it's obvious you will. Congratulations, you are really an ICCU nurse now." Eddy, my friend, you are at that point too. You are a vet, not a vet in waiting. You are brilliant, you know what you are doing, and I want you to go into the new job with the attitude that they are lucky to get you and they really are. Don't show any fear. You have saved lots of pets lives and given them back to their owners who love them. That is what you are here for. It's your destiny. Everything else is icing on the cake. I'm hoping that this new clinic will be different and that they will appreciate how lucky they are to have you. If they don't they are not the right fit for you.

    I've found in life that everything seems to take longer than I think it should. At 32 hubby and I bought our house. Sounds like you were around the same age. In comparison most of our friends still don't own a home so maybe you are actually ahead of the game in ways. You spent a lot of time getting an education so it puts everything else on hold. Once you and your hubby get through this transition phase things may change. Keep a positive outlook. Good things are on the horizon. They are getting closer all the time.

    I certainly do hope you stay with sparkpeople. I have had friends leave but most come back because there is something here we need and get that is more than just losing weight.

    I will be praying that the clomid works.
    884 days ago
    I had a traumatic 30th birthday. I was SOOOOO not where I wanted to be and it didn't look like anything would improve anytime soon. Two years later my life was completely different. Quit the awful job, had a social life again, met my future husband... you just never know where things will go. I took the first step - quitting the job - and the rest just seemed to happen. It was painful, though.

    As to time on SparkPeople, I actually had to make a list of what is useful for me to do on here every day, otherwise I find myself spending WAY too much time.

    You'll find the balance, just keep working away at it!
    885 days ago
    Life doesn't work out as we plan. Never does, no matter how much we plan. Things happen. Or don't happen.

    First, take some vitamin B6 for the PMS. Gets rid of the bloat. Smooths out your emotions. Really, it's a wonder vitamin!

    Next - the new job won't be perfect. Nothing ever is. But it will be a whole lot closer to perfect than the current job. You will love it. You'll enjoy being at work again. REally. And if you don't, well, you'll move on again. Not a problem. I didn't find my perfect job (for me) until I was in my 30s, and the job I held the longest (3 yrs) was part-time. (Second longest was Peace Corps, 2 yrs.) Some of us just take longer to settle into adult life - nothing wrong with that.

    Baby - well, only you and DH can decide if you want to pursue your medical options. Yes, pricy. Worth it? Only if you really want a baby that much. Don't know what to say, except I hope it works out the way you want.

    Hugs - and remember, having an alternative life, where you don't follow the plan and you maybe follow other options, works just as well. It's all about figuring out what you really want and then making that happen for you.
    885 days ago
    This blog evoked so many thoughts; I totally agree with the SP situation and just today pondered a break. Too much time here, even if not that much, is still too much. (if that makes any sense - smiling) I also agree about wishing to keep in-touch. Throughout the years, I reached out to a few, but no reciprocation so I surmised that most just want the online connection. As for disappointment, I'm going to paraphrase something I hear often in various formats - Plans are something we humans do, and then God laughs at us. Something like that. To the effect that plans are often a course we'd like to embark upon, but often are detoured by reality. And sometimes reality bites. Big time. (smiling) I've learned to enjoy the now. It's really all I've got when you come right down to it. I hope you stay here so that we can share the journey when little one comes along for you - regardless of the means. You will make a terrific mom. Big hug.
    886 days ago
    I will think positive thoughts for your baby.
    886 days ago
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