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This, that and the other thing :) Hope you had a good weekend.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

So much to blog about but what continually comes back to me is this song.

It throws me because it is a love song but it reminds me so much of Utah. I am starting to understand (I think) more as time passes.
- Initially, I felt guilt that I did not give my all to him in the end.
- The imperfection piece is his epilepsy and his crooked tail. He had a kink in it.
- The song makes me want to burst into tears sometimes but at other times I just feel the truly amazing closeness we shared.

I have mentioned before I think that Aspen was there for me in the most difficult times in my life. Utah on the other had gave me someone to pour all my love into after Aspen passed.

I now realize more and more that that is exactly what I did. He was my everything. It is sad in a way. I neglected my DH some, to say the least.

My DH is trying to get closer I think or something I can not explain it.
We went to a movie last weekend. We would have not been able to do this on a whim in the past because Utah needed medicine at 6AM, 8AM, 4PM, 6PM and midnight daily. Yesterday we went to a ride on the Harley. We have not done that in forever. It just makes me realize that I did give my all to Utah and my DH was understanding.

I mentioned before that the other weekend we spent both days on the acreage working. I would not have done that in the past. I would have stayed home with him on Sunday because the two days would have been too much for him I think. He did not know how to pace himself and with the 18 pills a day, he did not have the energy of a typical 3yo.

I also feel the missing link. I hated leaving Utah in the morning. Not because of the epilepsy but just because I loved him so very much. I think it is like a Mom leaving her baby and having a hard time with it. I was happy to be home. I did not need excitement or variety or anything at all. If Utah was near I was at peace and simply happy. I always felt so blessed to have him.

The obsession or maybe a better word is connection just amazes me. I think it is odd and a tiny bit disturbing. But it worked for me. It is what it is. I still worked and led a "normal" life.

Ok, enough of that.

Yesterday we had to empty the garage, which is a huge deal. I have pictures. The termite man was coming. bla bla bla. Bottom line is we got up at 6 to start. It was great. I love getting organized and getting everything put back in a more logical place.

After we took the Harley out for a ride and grabbed an early dinner. That was funny too. I had a salad and was thinking, the one I make is better :)

emoticon I started another 200 question practice test in preparation for my PMP exam. I am starting to get nervous as I have not made much time to study and I know I need/want to schedule the test soon so that I do not forget all I learned frommy 4 day course. They suggest taking the test with 4 weeks after finishing the course. It has been a week. I need to plan ahead though, find a time to actually take the exam. and fit in practice tests.

This time was not ideal as I stopped and started rather than sitting for the entire thing but it was still good I think. I finished way early. Lots of time to spare and did not go back and review any of my questions.
I got an 84%. emoticon emoticon emoticon
I am improving. My last 2 scores were 80% and 81%.
85% would be ideal but we'll see. I need to take 1 or 2 more i think.

We too two storage containers out to the acreage today. This got a bit of the stuff from the garage and from the back of a truck to the acreage. It should be nice to actually have some shovels and other tools out there to stay rather than taking everything back and forth all the time.

We got back and were going to take the Harley out again but DH was not feeling great. This worked for me. i got another load of laundry going and finished my practice test.

Work is ok. I am not thrilled with what I am doing but that's ok. It is an 8 week assignment only. We'll see.

Oh and regarding my hair appointment I had on Friday. I should clarify, no new fun hairdo, just ensuring I remain blond. emoticon

I hope you all had a great weekend! HUGS!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, you had a productive few days! Good for you. Thinking about you. emoticon emoticon emoticon

    (sorry this is so late, internet was out a few days, joys of living in rural Montana)
    1238 days ago
    I think that Utah felt and understood all of the love you gave him. What a special attatchment you had with him since you had to give him the medicine so often.
    It ia also nice that now you and DH are doing things together.
    1240 days ago
    I see very good journeying through the grieving process over loosing Utah! Very special to have a song that singing to your soul about him. That is special.

    You had a busy weekend. Glad that even though I know you miss him with all your heart, you will be able to fill the gaps with more time on the acreage with DH as well as recreational time as well. You have grown so much!

    Good luck with your studying and getting ready to schedule your exam - improving on each of those practice tests is huge! You will be so ready for your exam this time! Keep up the good work.
    1240 days ago
    You were an amazing mommy to Utah so you just remember that. You took such amazing care of him and I'm sure he knew it and loved you as much as you loved him. Sounds like you've had a very busy weekend and a nice time with your DH. Hang in there and things will keep getting better. Also, way to go on your practice tests - you got this!
    Hope you have a wonderful week.
    emoticon emoticon
    1241 days ago
    I'm glad you have a song for a special friend. It's a lovely song. I think if the song plays on the radio then it means your special friend is thinking about you.

    I didn't realize your position was short term. For some reason I thought it would take you thru the summer. Maybe I got it mixed up with another. IDK

    I feel your DH is attempting to fill your painful void which is an amazing and careful gesture on his part. DH clearly loves you. I say you catch him off guard, give him a big bear hug and whisper something special in his ear or hold his hand while your riding in the vehicle.

    Good job on the practice test! You're about there my friend, so darn close.
    1241 days ago
    It's tough getting beyond the loss of a loved one. Don't overanalyze. It was his time and you need to let him go. He'd want you too!! emoticon emoticon
    1241 days ago
    Don't be so hard on yourself.You did an awesome job looking ater Utah.Your DH understood Utah had epilepsy he needed your care, there is a time for everything in our lives. You gave Utah what Utah needed a peaceful contented life was what Utah had .In spite of illness he had what he needed .He was LOVED !
    1241 days ago
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