Sunday, April 27, 2014
Jarol7 posted on my previous blog that it's all about making personal choices, and boy did that hit the nail right on the head! And I know that is right! But yet I have continued to make the wrong choices ......here for the last 3 to 4 months......But, I am making progress.
Excuse #4...I just didn't have anything else to fix to eat.
This one probably doesn't mean a whole hill of beans to anyone else, and here's how this started out. I was going to the fresh market every week, and loading up and fresh fruits and vegetables, and a good shopping routine at the grocery store. Now, mind you, this was good shopping and planning and meal preparation for both me and my husband. I recognized, it was work, and there was quite a lot of time involved in the food prep, but we were both doing very good!
Then all of a sudden, my husband says......"OMG, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU ARE SPENDING FOR GROCERIES EVERY MONTH!!!!" And this was not in a concerned way, but in a Hateful, you are not doing that anymore manner....
OK, there are 2 of us in this household, and I was spending $700 to $800 a month, and mind you, this is not just for food, but for cleaning products, and other household items, including deodorant, soap, shampoo, etc.
I took out my calculator, and figured that came out to $26.67 per day for the both of us, and $13.33 for one, and $4.44 per meal with not even allowing for any snacks.
And, again, that is assuming the full $800 was going just for food. I thought that was pretty good. Also, there was no going out to eat, so this was $4.44 a meal, per person, with me doing all the food prep, cooking, and cleaning up. So I'm still thinking...who's got the better end of this deal. But this WENT OVER LIKE A LEAD BALLOON!!!!
I don't understand sometimes, and after much screaming at me, and berating me, (which he doesn't even recognize or realize that he does)...and this is another blog, that will be coming, because this causes me more stress than anything else in my life, but I will stay on point here. I told him, HE COULD DO THE SHOPPING. (And I know how that would go, because it is unbelievable how much more he throws in the cart, on the few times that he does go along. I feel like I'm a good shopper and budgeter....I shop at the fresh market, Walmart, and Aldi's, and know how much cheaper that is than going to Publix, and Winn Dixie, so I really think I am doing a good job for our house.
But, of course, he didn't go.
And what did I do???? I tapered off on the shopping. And we had less stuff to eat on hand and in the house. HOWEVER..... for me, I found myself finding crap and eating it.(and here's that stress eating kicking right in!) And, we had to go out and pick up stuff....I should have kept track of how much we were spending on that......because I'm sure it was more than what I was spending at the grocery!!!! And you know what we went to pick up....McDonald's, Taco-Hell....you got it!
So, now I'm closer to 160 than 150.....and my goal was to be going the other way! And I would have to think his weight has gone up too.....
He doesn't want to hear anything I have to say on this subject, and is quite verbal about it. YET, Here was an interesting thing that happened in the last few weeks.....
We went to visit some friends. And somehow, the grocery shopping came up, and she mentioned that she easily spends $1,000 a month. Again, 2 people in the household. And I said, "Could you please say that again", and she did. So hopefully, there was a little reality sinking in moment.....but I don't know.
So, I think I've hit my number one issue right on the head, and I just have to figure out how to make the right choice here. And that is hard....
I get treated very much like a child, and because I want very much to be approved , accepted, proud of, I continue to conform to whatever is being throw out there at me at the time.
When I first started on this journey, which was in 2007, I was exactly here. But I figured out how to achieve some success for myself. Somehow, I was able to keep the attitude "I don't care what you think, I'm doing this for me", and did take off 30 pounds, and did develop good eating patterns, and good exercise habits, that have worked really well........until this year.
This year, I thought he wanted to do this with me. He certainly seemed like he did. And then, I let this issue dominate me and control me......to the point that I feel so out of control. I've lost control of my exercise and my eating, and I feel just like I did 7 years ago, when I knew I had to do something....
So I'm taking some deep breaths, and taking some baby steps to get myself re-disciplined.
This issue is probably totally over for him, he probably hasn't even thought about it any more! Yet.....for me, it hasn't ended....it simmers in my brain everyday...
and at what point he'll (for lack of a better word--lash out at me again) But I'll walk on egg-shells til he does. And that's what I have to make my choice about.
Like, I said, the issue's over for him.
So I can, get over it, and get my act back together, or I can let this eat me alive and continue to punish myself. Because what I've been doing is only punishing myself.
WHEW THAT WAS A LOT! But I know this is what's really going on with me. I know that I can probably go back to the store and spend whatever I like, and he won't say a word. I guess the issue for me is that I WANT TO BE VALIDATED. He won't say a word, because he found out his friend even spends a whole lot more than I do, but he thinks she provides a great meal presentation/situation. He doesn't get it, what it costs to feed a family. When I went to Tennessee for 5 weeks, this winter, he let me know that he only spend $50 at the grocery store. Well, he went to his friends house to eat most of the time, and believe me he ran out to pick up at the drive-through every day!!!
I've got to let it go. I've got to go back to shopping smart, and meal planning and preparation for me, and my exercise routine for me!!!
And it will get better. But I need to not let myself go in the meantime.