Friday, April 25, 2014
Today was a much better day than yesterday. My kids at school are just SO CUTE...especially today. I love them to pieces. Daughter was a bit of a pill this evening. It's so annoying. We eventually just told her to go to bed. *SIGH* Teenagers!
After work I went to the High School track. I had on workout clothes but the sun came out on my drive over and I got in the back of my van (I have very dark tinted windows) and changed into a tank top and shorts. It was great, and I'm loving all this sunshine. It's like I just crave it lately, and I love doing all this walking. I've been doing quite a bit of walking lately, at various places, and the past several times I keep telling myself to run, even if it's just a little bit. I haven't been doing it for a few reasons, but they all boil down to one: FEAR. I'm particularly afraid that I'm going to hurt my back again, and after all, it's still only about 90% better than it was. Yes, it's a big improvement, but I don't want to hurt myself again. I can't afford another setback. Today when I was at the track, I told myself I would walk the first lap, run the second, and so on, alternating. As my first lap was almost over, I started to get VERY nervous. There were all kinds of cars driving by the track. There were a bunch of high school kids hanging out by their cars in the parking lot. There was some guy walking around killing weeds or something. I actually felt some degree of terrified. It was so strange. I was telling myself, "I just don't know if I can do it!" I was so scared. I started asking myself all these questions...
~What if I hurt my back again?
~What if my knees really start hurting?
~What if those kids in the parking lot start laughing at me?
~What if someone driving by sees my fat ass running?
~What if I can't actually run an entire lap?
I was almost overwhelmed with fear. I got to my little triangle (the marker on the track that I used to judge where I'd started walking) and began to jog. Not fast at all, but jogging nonetheless. So here I am, jogging along. "Oh, god...oh, god," I begin to think. I felt like everyone in the whole world was looking at me. I can feel my ENTIRE body jiggling. My feet slam down HARD on the track. I'm about 1/4 the way into my lap. I keep on jogging. My tank top is inching its way up. I tug it back down. I keep on going. The cars on the road just keep coming and coming. I'm sure everyone is looking at me. I jerk my tank top back down again. I'm over halfway done, and on the home-stretch now. I think I'm going to throw up. I can feel the sun on my already hot forehead. Suddenly, I hear something in my head...
"Fear keeps you stuck. Fear keeps you where you are."
I keep going. I can see my triangle.
"DO IT. You're almost there!"
With one last push, my jog becomes an almost-run.
"Just a few more steps! GO! GO!"
I step onto my triangle. I start walking again. I did it. I ran a lap. I freaking DID IT. My head feels twice it's normal size. My heart is beating out of my chest, and my breath is as hot as my face feels.
I felt no more fear during the remainder of my laps. I ended up walking 1.25 mi and jogging 0.75. I'm really proud of myself. It's silly how something so innocuous as jogging around a track can evoke so much fear, but it did. But you know what? Fear DOES keep us stuck. My body is the result of fear. I'm tired of being afraid. I don't want to be afraid of what people will think of me. I don't want to be afraid of emotions. I don't want to be afraid of anything like that. Jillian Michael's has a great quote on one of her videos, "You've gotta get comfortable with being uncomfortable." That's about all there is to it. It really is THAT simple. You've just gotta get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You know what else? Eventually, that uncomfortable feeling goes away, and you're NOT AFRAID anymore.
I was terrified today. Absolutely terrified. But I sucked it up and DID IT ANYWAY. I knew I "could" do it...I was just having a hard time MAKING myself do it. But I did it. And guess what? I didn't die. I survived it. I'm just fine. We just get into this habit, this pattern of telling ourselves we can't do something. I know I can personally attest to this. But the thing is, we CAN do it. We just have to give Fear the finger, and DO IT. Every time we challenge ourselves to push past the Fear, it puts us in a better place for the NEXT TIME we have to face Fear. And when that "next time" rolls around, we can deal with that Fear better. Eventually, that Fear goes away...or at the very least, the motivation to push outweighs Fear.
I've just GOT to remember this. I will try my best to remember this on my weaker days. I can't let Fear rule my life, any more...in any way, shape, or form. Fear has done NOTHING good for me. Fear can GO.
So, here's today's run-down:
SBD -- Phase 1.5, Day 32
Breakfast: turkey breakfast sausage, crunchy peanut butter, skim milk.
Lunch: turkey and cheese rollups, 100 calorie pack of almond & walnut mixture, black beans, tomatoes, orange slices.
Dinner: taco salad (lean ground beef with sautéed onions and taco seasoning, mixed lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, Mexican blend cheese, salsa, sour cream, hot sauce) and ONE serving of tortilla chips.
Activity: two-mile intermittent jogging & walking (jogged a total of 0.75 mi, walked a total of 1.25 mi...33 minutes total), Wii Bowling and Wii Golf (1 hour).
Progress: Lost another 2.2 pounds, for a total of 19.6 pounds!