It is enough
Friday, April 25, 2014
To get this far and to not congratulate myself would be to lose the lesson, so I've decided in this journey to say "dayenu"--it would have been enough--and to stop here. I've not given up the fight or changed my goals at all. I've decided that I can accept myself right here and right now for changing my body and liking those changes before I go any further down the road of more changes.
Why am I willing to do this? Because a) weight loss is hard, and b) there is no guarantee that I'm going to change my habits enough to make me go down to my "goal weight" of 115. I'm sure I passed 115 somewhere between sophomore and junior year in high school, but I was too busy eating pasta and crying into my bowl to remember it. At any rate, to not congratulate myself on my shapely ballerina legs would be to ignore all the hard work that my exercise has had on them, and my tushie, in the last six weeks.
In order to accept the minor (scale) weight fluctuations and still like myself and eat and be happy, I'm going to have to know what to work on, what to let go of, and what to do to still grow. Forgetting tracking my calories isn't a good solution, but eating too low on the totem pole of calories isn't going to work for me. I like exercise, so this means more of it. I need to tone my abdominal area, so working harder there is in order. As you can see, this is taking honest stock of myself. But if I never went further down the scale, I would still be happy. Why? Because my body HAS changed and I am proud of it! I like the way it looks! It looks good in a bathing suit. I look better in dresses and skirts. And I can fit into small/medium-size panty hose. This makes me happy. Am I in my dream body? No…. but what IS a dream body anyway? Does being thinner mean I'm a better person? I might be a crankier person. A cranky me is a slightly worse version of a cranky me now, which is cranky enough.
So for right now my goals are to: learn how to make my own vegan-style meals, because I'm a vegetarian and I need to get better protein choices, exercise regularly, because I like it and I want to tone my abdomen, and eat and enjoy what I'm eating and forget tracking SOMETIMES so I can feel like I'm living normally.
I've always held ballet dancers in high regard, although the old school tortured and starved themselves. The modern breed is much healthier, if you look to The New York City Ballet Corps as an example. I would LOVE to act like them.
If I don't act or look like them, then I will look and act like me. And I will love myself and accept myself unconditionally.