Wednesday, April 23, 2014
I really want to attempt a video blog today since I feel like I'm not going to make sense in words at all. At least a video would be something *all* of us could laugh at later. Right now, just getting words out seems difficult. I'm proud of myself for being able to type fast, even though there have been mistakes you can't see. My brain *is* working, even though it doesn't feel like it.
I'm struggling - sleep is bad, breathing isn't going well, too many system functions are low. It's making me feel like I should ask for help, but when i ask for help, I'm so used to doing what I need to without help that I've shot myself in the foot by disappointing others that are attempting TO help now...and I forgot I asked. I'm not sure that will make sense to ANYONE at all. I've gotten used to survival mode-I have to do this, this, this and this. Asking for help, for years, has felt wrong. Bad. Proof that I am inadequate. That I was making more work for other overworked people.
Truth is, I've been sick, mentally and physically, for years, and really had no idea how to balance a healthy "can i place this in your basket" with "that's still okay for me to do." It's really hard. Really. Again, I can't expect anyone else to understand. Selfishness has absolutely never been my intention. I just had enough things put on my own plate that I believed I was expected to carry the plate, the cup, the silverware and all the other implements put there. i don't have to, but I also don't feel I know how to ask someone else to help without dropping the whole armload.
Stress never helps these feelings, of course. It just exacerbates and holds up the magnifying glass - making the issues seem larger than they are. That's where I sit this morning - breathing low due to dust outside, adrenals revving, panic at a level I feel I can't express to anyone, and more responsibilities than I currently feel comfortable with. The kids schedules are starting to slow down, so there will be less chauffeuring needed soon, but I really am not feeling comfortable driving. I need to figure out who to talk to...and fortunately, I have an appointment in 3 hours where I can ask some questions to a really wonderful sounding board.
What I can do today -
get the nebulizer going
do what I can for my lungs and adrenals.
look through the work folder I think I'm done with and see if I missed anything
start a list of what the monthly job needs are and put movable dates to them
try to cook one or two things (jerky needs made)
pick up children
enjoy sounding board appointment
Thanks for reading, if you did. It's a hard day, but getting this out of my head through my very fast fingers has been helpful. I really appreciate how fast I type when my brain is this frantic. The frantic isn't good, but the fast fingers are. I also have enough awareness to take care of most of the mistakes. I can't be as bad as I think I am. I merely feel bad.
May we have blessings in the day ahead.