Tuesday, April 22, 2014
After my blog post yesterday about my plateau bringing up resistance which can lead to self-sabotage, I did some googling on these feelings connected with dieting. Lots of help and useful info out there, but one page really struck a chord yesterday. It linked resistance/sabotage feelings to challenging early childhoods.
At first, some of it didn't speak to me, because food/weight etc was not an issue for me in my family, but later I had a memory of myself as a young child saying 'I want to do it myself!' In fact, I realized this apparently was my rallying cry all the time and the source of many family stories about me. In my family, though, this wasn't seen as a strength, but as a difficulty with me, especially with doing what I was supposed to and following rules.. My mother once said I was even a 'defiant infant'.
It came to me that something about nearing 'goal' set off an unconscious reaction toward my program, toward the rules and expectations - as if someone outside of me set them. I could see that the 'diet' became the 'authority' and I'll be 'me' by fighting that authority. This may not be the true mechanism of how these things work, but looking at it this way, opened up something for me.
I then had a strong image of my sister and I bonding together through the ongoing family crises. As adults, we always comment about how we managed to stay close, even though our parents always tried to make us choose sides.
I then thought that I can be a 'sister' to the parts of me that are growing and changing, the parts of my will that have set all these changes in place. And being my own inner sister, I can stand up to those negating patterns. I also hope I can see clearly that there is no outside authority here. It is a wonderful choice I am making and making again and again because I want to.
Be my own sister