Friday, April 18, 2014
I have been off and on with my Sparkpeople lately... a lot has happened recently and it is interesting trying to learn how to balance my needs with my wants, my previous life with my new life.
This Winter was hard. I don't even want to go in to everything, and I don't need to! This is something that I am working on- I used to feel like I had to say everything, explain why my life was so hard and hectic, but I have found that I will just keep the bad things in the forefront of my mind. My previous mindset had me thinking that if I VENTED, then I would get it off my chest and feel better. This is not true. It seems true, but it is not. At least not for me. So I am practicing "sitting in it" which doesn't feel good at the time, but I find that I feel better overall. I am not bottling my feelings- I feel them and I let myself feel them, but I also let them fade naturally. If that means going for a run or walk, talking to a different friend, picking up a good book... I'll do that. And you know what? When I'm done, I just feel BETTER. I don't have any of those lingering feelings about how I acted about the situation, instead I feel proud of the way I handled it, and no one is worse off for what I chose to say or do in the heat of the moment.
Seriously. I mean, if that seems obvious to you, it seems obvious to me too. But sometimes we just don't realize what we are doing when we have been doing it the same way for so long. It seems just like the thing we do to deal with the situation. Like that is some static reaction to a given situation. Changing our mindset is hard, but dammit we Sparkers know how to do it!!
I would say that before I started using this site, I wouldn't have had the tools to even know where to start, but I know that I can become a better person every day if I just stick to it.
Which brings me to my next point, I don't have to be perfect. Uhg. I thought I had 'gotten over this' part of my life. Perfection used to lead me to avoid things that I couldn't do perfectly, but last year I started realizing what I'm capable of and I started trying to actually BE perfect. Crazy! I can slip up some days, as long as I keep trying to better myself, I can't put myself down for eating over my calorie allowance or getting stuck in a thought-rut (like this morning on my jog when I was thinking, 'Why does everyone have to put their trash cans on the curb? Why did he park on the sidewalk? I have to jog in the middle of the road! That person's sprinkler is just running down the curb and around the corner! Don't they have an environmental conscious?' and on and on...) but then I realized this habit I was doing -unconsciously- and I made a mindful decision to list everything I was grateful for at the moment. I am grateful for the morning sunshine, I am grateful for the sound of birds, I am grateful for the warmer air that is easier to breathe, I am grateful, I am grateful, I am grateful. There's a whole mind battle that happens at that moment, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm trying, even if it seems goofy or pointless to the grumpy part of my brain.
Anyway, if you were wondering where I am, it's because I am all up in my head. An anxiety attack helped me see that I can not control everything, even though I am good at controlling portions, I can't let that overflow into thinking I can control anything else in life.
As you may know, my boyfriend's grandfather passed away last week and I have been going over everything he taught me. The men in my life haven't taught me much. But this man that I met 5 years ago taught me how to deal with my anger and how to turn it in to love and how to forgive in that short time. I can't have him guiding me, but I can remember the advice he gave and try to apply it best I can. His memorial service is tomorrow and I am equally dreading the tears and awaiting the celebration of his life.
Buh. That's all I got right now.