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downward spiral

Thursday, April 17, 2014

i'm out of control! i have to stop this now!

whiskey showed up last night. i was going to have 2 drinks. turned into many more than that. now i'm sitting here eating a hot pocket cursing myself and my lack of willpower.

why am i slipping? i was doing so well. why do i keep doing this to myself?

why does alcohol have so much power over me? why do i allow this to happen over and over? i know i'm not an alcoholic. i could easily become one. that scares me. i do have a drinking problem, but in all the research i've done i can't claim to be an alcoholic. to me, that feels as though i'm insulting actual alcoholics. like i'm seeking attention or drama. i'm an all or nothing person. i am perfectly fine not drinking, but if i start i don't want to quit. i don't like to be around alcohol if i'm not consuming it, but i can do it. sometimes i have an overwhelming urge to drink. it doesn't go away until i do drink. but i don't need to drink every day. i don't crave it on a regular basis. but i'm definitely a binge drinker. i'm trying to cure that. it's not going so well.

i think i may go to a weight watchers meeting on my lunch break. that may give me some clarity. it's either that or an aa meeting. something is causing me to sabotage myself. i need to figure it out. alcohol is the best way i know to totally mess everything up. so i use that. but i also use sugar and junk food. why?!

thanks for listening to my ramblings again. you all are amazing!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You and I both need to work on this.
    1429 days ago
    I've been in AA for over 37 years. Like many, I didn't think I was actually an alcoholic until I'd gone to lots and lots of meetings and heard other people tell my story. Some do come from hospitals and park benches, but all too many are like you. Alcoholism is a disease, and like all diseases it has early stages. No one wants to wait until cancer is fully involved before getting help. Why would you do that with alcoholism? Like cancer, it is a progressive, fatal disease ending in death.
    1429 days ago
    I used to lead an addiction recovery meeting that incorporated the 12 steps. Let me tell you, you don't need to be an "alcoholic" to attend and benefit from a recovery program. I would encourage you to do so. You obviously realize there is a problem. That's step 1 right there. I know that if you keep going on those steps, you'll feel better and feel better about yourself. Please don't feel like if you go to a meeting, they will judge you as not needing to be there. The whole purpose of the 12 step program is so people can get help without judgement. Do it!

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    1430 days ago
    You seem to have a great plan of action. You know what the issues are and you know where your weaknesses are. Now you need to develop an appropriate response to get you ending up in the place you want to be. You talk with anyone you think can help you get to where you want to go. There is NOTHING wro ng with admitting you might need some assistance and going to get it. Do what help you win the battle.

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    1430 days ago
    You really need to avoid the sight and smell of alcohol. I strongly suggest removing all alcohol from the house...wine, beer, everything and make your home an alcohol free zone even during holidays (I do this with sugar, the only way I can prevent indulging.) Your family and friends must cooperate--if they care about you, they will support you, if not, that tells you they are not true friends and need to hit the road. You are less likely to submit to the craving if you have to make a special trip out of the house to get it. If that doesn't work, it shows that you need to seek help, the earlier the better. That idiocy that you have to hit bottom before you can help yourself is a deadly myth. If you don't feel AA would be right for you, than consider Overeaters Anonymous...same principles, methods, help, and support, but possibly with a group of people who have more in common with you. Wishing you the best. It is not uncommon for people cutting back on food to substitute alcohol or cigarettes, but it is not a good trade-off. Total honesty with yourself is a necessary first step, and you have shown yourself capable of making it.
    1430 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/17/2014 12:36:07 PM
    I know the feeling. I'll think "just 1 drink" but after just one, a second one doesn't sound too bad, and then at that point everything just sounds like a great idea (like bacon cheese fries).

    Eating and drinking and feelings and motivations are complicated and intertwined. It takes time to detangle everything and look at root causes. The fact that you're actively seeking the answers is such a good thing. You're not going to hit it perfectly each time. I know that every time I think I've FINALLY understood something or solved a bad habit, BAM, something happens and knocks me back again.

    Every good choice is a step in the right direction. Every decision to keep going forward, regardless of where you are, is a step in the right direction.

    You can do this :)
    1430 days ago
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