Thursday, April 17, 2014
i'm out of control! i have to stop this now!
whiskey showed up last night. i was going to have 2 drinks. turned into many more than that. now i'm sitting here eating a hot pocket cursing myself and my lack of willpower.
why am i slipping? i was doing so well. why do i keep doing this to myself?
why does alcohol have so much power over me? why do i allow this to happen over and over? i know i'm not an alcoholic. i could easily become one. that scares me. i do have a drinking problem, but in all the research i've done i can't claim to be an alcoholic. to me, that feels as though i'm insulting actual alcoholics. like i'm seeking attention or drama. i'm an all or nothing person. i am perfectly fine not drinking, but if i start i don't want to quit. i don't like to be around alcohol if i'm not consuming it, but i can do it. sometimes i have an overwhelming urge to drink. it doesn't go away until i do drink. but i don't need to drink every day. i don't crave it on a regular basis. but i'm definitely a binge drinker. i'm trying to cure that. it's not going so well.
i think i may go to a weight watchers meeting on my lunch break. that may give me some clarity. it's either that or an aa meeting. something is causing me to sabotage myself. i need to figure it out. alcohol is the best way i know to totally mess everything up. so i use that. but i also use sugar and junk food. why?!
thanks for listening to my ramblings again. you all are amazing!