Tuesday, April 15, 2014
It's confession time for me...In the last two months i've gained 19 pounds. Am i shocked? no. Am i upset? No. Am i disappointed? Yes.
I can pin point where my increase in weight began...mid February. Before you say, "Oh Valentines Day because she's single." No and Yes. My oldest brother was murdered on Valentine's Day back in 1992. So when you add that on top of COUNTLESS friends getting engaged...then it spells disaster for me. Why? Because I miss family...i miss having my own family...someone to spend my time with...
i have never thought of myself as being depressed but looking back over these past 2 months i would say that i've been depressed. And here's the thing. No one would ever know it. I only act differently in private. I eat more and i eat junk. I cry all the time. I'd rather lay in bed as soon as i come home from work than do anything else. But i still go to all of my activities, races, work and get togethers and no one would ever suspect that something was wrong with me. I've gotten quite good as hiding my emotions. But i stuff my emotions.
Over the last 2 months i've eaten bags of donuts, countless pizza's, burgers, fries and all kinds of chocolate and peanut butter desserts. Every night i'd tell myself that this was it. That i needed to get back on plan. But the next day i just kept eating as if i had no care in the world.
So why am i confessing? Because as great as i am about hiding my emotions, i cannot hide the fact that my clothes are fitting tighter. The number one place i can see the difference is in my face.
248lbs back in February
I told a friend yesterday about my weight gain and he flipped on me. He weighs roughly 350lbs and i've known him since i was 15yrs old. He knows how hard i've worked and all the running and walking that i do. He yelled at me in a loving way because i know better. He went in to how hard i've worked and how i can't let it be for nothing. He went on to say that my gain may have been higher had it not been for all of my fitness. He was right and i needed to hear it.
So i weighed myself yesterday morning and i tracked my food. And i'm doing the same today and i will continue to do so because i need to.
So why am i confessing? Because it helps me to air it out. I know i'm not alone in this struggle.