I had a great Monday at school today. Mondays are usually tense, blah, and I can't wait for them to be over with. Today was actually really nice. I only had 8 kids in my class, and they were all extra good. At lunch, you could've heard a pin drop they were so quiet, just sitting there eating. After the bus ride to take all the kids home, I was in my classroom this afternoon, thinking about whether or not I was going to workout today, and what I was going to do for dinner. It had been raining all day, I was tired, and I really didn't want to cook. Ordinarily, not only do I not mind cooking, I really LOVE it. But maybe a half-dozen times per year I just don't want to fix dinner. I don't want to cook, clean up, pull out leftovers, nothing. I don't even want to watch someone else bother with dinner. It's very, very rare, but when I do feel this way, I feel it pretty strongly. I just want NOTHING to do with it. I decided to call the Chinese restaurant and order some Hot & Sour soup. Oh wait, they are closed on Mondays, so I couldn't do that. Then I just didn't know what to do.
"Great, they are closed. The ONE time I want to go there after work and pick up dinner. Figures. Now what?"
Then I started feeling really frustrated. My next thought was, "Wouldn't it be nice to just grab a pizza on the way home?" ...but obviously that is not an option. So I felt even more frustrated...irritated with myself that I allowed things to get so bad that ordering a pizza on the way home like a normal person is just not even something I can consider.
"How could you let this happen? Wouldn't it be nice if you could just be normal?"
Since I still really had Chinese food on the brain, I decided I'd just make some stir-fry chicken and veggies. If I had to cook, that was pretty easy, and required only two pots. I popped into the grocery store and got what I needed. I came home and cut up one chicken breast into cubes and marinated it in some sesame & mushroom dressing I found at the store. Ever since I left school, I'd been thinking about whether or not to workout.
"You've been pretty slack and haven't exercised since Thursday. Are you actually going to do it today?" ...["My back and my knees have really been hurting."] ..."Suck it up, and quit being such a baby."
I got the chicken marinating and then made some sugar-free chocolate pudding and popped it in the fridge. Husband got home about this time and started doing his workout in the living room. After thinking about it for over an hour, I decided that a Jillian Michaels workout would be too much. My back is ALMOST completely better, but still hurts, and my knees feel awful. I decided that what I felt comfortable doing was a 20-minute Leslie Sansone "Power Mile" workout. I thought it was at least some movement, which is better than nothing, and that I didn't see myself injuring myself further by doing this workout.
"Seems like a cop-out to me... like you're just taking the easy road again, like always. Isn't the easy road what got you to this point in the first place?"
I started doing the workout. I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed. I felt guilty. I tried to focus on the workout and just ignore the feelings I was experiencing as best I could.
"Look at what you've become. You're so overweight and out of shape that your body is in PAIN. All you can manage to do is this piddly little workout."
I finished the workout. I felt glad that it was over, and I noticed my body was a little more tired than I expected it to be.
"That's because you're so fat and out of shape. Of course you're tired and sore."
I couldn't even hold my head up. I climbed in the shower. I started to cry. Without realizing it, I'd been bullying myself for two hours. Crying is therapeutic, so I just did what I needed to do. I didn't sob uncontrollably...just cried a bit, for a few minutes. After a while, I felt my chin rise and I thought to myself, "No, my workout wasn't very hard. It wasn't much...but I did it. I did something. I did what I could do, today. And as far as being in pain...yes. I'm in pain, almost constantly. My feet, knees, and back ache...all, or some, every day. It's a double-edged sword. It hurts to workout, but it hurts to be overweight, too. Either I am in pain now or I will REALLY be in pain later, if I get even more unhealthy and gain even more weight."
I could've gotten some kind of crappy fast-food/convenience food for dinner, but I didn't. I could've taken yet another day off from exercising, but I decided to just TRY to do a gentle workout...I figured even an easy, gentle workout is better than nothing. I tried it, and I did it. I could've spent the rest of the evening on the couch, eating and drinking my way through a bottle of wine, but I didn't. I went to the store and bought healthy food. I came home and cooked it. I washed the pots and pans and dishes, and cleaned up the kitchen.
I feel genuinely proud of that.
For dessert, I portioned out two little cups of the DELICIOUS sugar-free chocolate pudding I'd made, and put a dollop of sugar-free Cool Whip on top of each. They were so pretty, and VERY tasty. I savored each and every bite. Man, it was so good having chocolate! So, so yummy.
I guess what I'm realizing is that my "110% effort" apparently varies from day to day. My 110% effort from last week was one thing...but today, I know for sure that I gave 110% effort to NOT get some kind of junk for dinner...and to actually do some kind of exercise...I gave it my all today. I did my best. I know I did my very best today. Some days my meter just might be a little shorter than other days...but I can still try to give my 110% of that day's meter, regardless.
Sometimes, we are our own bullies. We know just where our weak spots are, too...our vulnerabilities. We hone in on those sensitivities and strike.
I feel exhausted. I really FEEL like I've had a bully scoffing at me and putting me down all afternoon. I feel beaten down and my self-confidence is pretty low right now. Just having one of those weird days when I'm mostly going through the motions of what I "need to do." Husband said it well earlier...he said, "This isn't always going to be fun, or easy...but we just have to push on through it anyway. We have to do what we have to do...but we'll make it."