Sunday, April 13, 2014
I know I am cut out for this. I can do it. I will do it. I wish I could say, it's not my fault. Is it my fault. Who care who's fault it is....What can I do to fix it. I honestly believe there is much more at play here than I really know. I think I am scared. I am scared that I will be treated like a piece of meat by men. I don't want to be treated like a sexual object. Is there something in my past that has screwed me up so bad that I have to deal with first? I have bounced my weight around my entire life. I just want to be healthy and active. I don't have the notions in my head as many women (sexy, happy, find love etc.) I was a size 16 before I even noticed my weight and by the time I was 18, I was an 18. At 20 when I had my son I was 228 lbs. by 2005 I was 250 lbs. After a stroke in 2009 I was 286 lbs. That was a wake up call lost almost 50 lb. Was very close to my pre-baby weight and freaked (I think) and plateaus. After going back to college I gained 30 lbs. Lost 20 of it over Christmas break. Now stuck between 245 and 250.
IF THIS IS A ROLLER COASTER RIDE, I WANT OFF I AM SICK.
I am ready for the "lifestyle change" I need it.