I have noticed over the past 6 months, I have had many times where I tell myself "I don't care" when I am doing something I know I shouldn't. The biggest example of that is overeating. I will physically tell myself "I don't care" as I find myself in the kitchen preparing to eat things just for the sake of eating. I will tell myself I'm not going to weigh my portions or track any of my food because I simply "don't care". But what I am realizing is that if I TRULY didn't care, I wouldn't be trying to convince myself I didn't care.
Okay was that hard to follow?
What I mean is, when people truly don't care at all about something, they don't even think about it. It is not something that is on their mind at all. But repeatedly having to tell myself I didn't care ended up proving just the opposite. Do you know what happens after I overeat? Not only do I feel bloated
and uncomfortable, but I end up tracking my food. I do it every single time! Even though I don't have the portion sizes exact since I "didn't care to weigh things", I usually over estimate to compensate for that. Then I end up feeling bad and annoyed with myself that I ate just for the sake of eating, and not because I was actually hungry.
I used to do this with the scale years ago. The scale would keep going up and I would say I didn't care. I really did, and seeing the number keep creeping up started to scare me for a while. But eventually, I really decided I didn't care. I accepted the fact that I would always be fat, and I never got on the scale anymore because I was sincere in not wanting to deal with anything concerning weight or weight loss. I ate fast food constantly, I never knew how many calories were in my food and I didn't care to know. I never exercised and I didn't drink much water either, I was in a total bubble of ignorance and denial and nothing was going to shake me out of it.
So as I was overeating this weekend and doing my best to convince myself I didn't care about my healthy weight loss journey and just wanted to eat, I realized I care more than I ever realized.
If I didn't care I wouldn't still be on this weight loss journey 2 years later. I wouldn't feel the need to track all my food, even when I told myself I didn't have to worry about it. I wouldn't be logging into Spark people daily, connecting with Spark friends and participating in challenges. If I didn't care I wouldn't ever think twice about calories, or fitness minutes and I would never get on the scale. I do care, and I care a lot. So I need to stop kidding myself just because I want to justify my eating.
Feeling out of control this weekend really started to scare me and make me second guess things. I have reevaluated things, I have refocused my energy, and I have decided which battles are worth fighting right now and which ones can be left on the back burner. Feeling in control is such a better feeling, and I am going to hang onto that for as long as physically possible.
In bonus news, I got on the scale Wednesday morning and I only had a .2 pound gain. At one point during the weekend I was facing a 5 pound gain because of my overeating, and I am so proud of the fact that I turned it around. It was the final weigh in for BLC 24 and I have lost 14.4 pounds during the 12 week challenge. I am very proud of that, and it just reiterates the fact that I really do care!