Wednesday, April 09, 2014
I feel so sad right now. So sad, about so many things. Daughter turned 13 last month and it's like she just hates us sometimes. She goes from the sweetest kid on Earth to the nastiest brat you've ever seen in about 3 seconds flat...and always over stupid stuff like us telling her, "You really can't start laundry at 8pm; it's almost bedtime." Doesn't matter that it was said in a perfectly respectable tone. She just can't tolerate being told "no." So that turned into a 30 minute fiasco. Then Husband starts telling me about this funny thing he saw earlier on The Big Bang Theory...when Amy was wanting to snuggle with Sheldon, and she moved closer to him and he just said, "Oh boy." I was thinking in my head, "Geez, I can relate to that." My husband goes MONTHS and MONTHS without being romantic or intimate. I've talked to him about it. I've told him how I feel. REPEATEDLY. Other than the obligatory kiss goodnight and if I'm lucky, a peck on the cheek when he gets home from work, he never touches me. That is no exaggeration, either. It's something that deflates me a little more each day...and I can't do anything about it. He just doesn't want me. He always says it's because he feels fat. I tell him every single day that he is handsome, sexy, I am always being affectionate with him, etc, and I am being 100% genuine. But I never, ever get the same in return. Not even one thing. It breaks my heart and it's been this way for about two years now. It's just getting worse. What kind of scares me is that it really does eventually start to change how I feel about him. It's like...basically impossible for it not to happen. I'm not saying I don't love him or anything like that...but it just makes him feel like a stranger or something. No intimacy at all. None. Absolutely NONE. He's not affectionate. He doesn't EVER compliment me. I just...I just feel so invisible. Plus...now we have all this new stress with the stupid in-laws...just one more thing in the gigantic pile.
Since Saturday, I've had alcohol 4 out of the past 5 days. Granted, I have not had a lot, but I feel like I've messed up. I guess that's because I have. I really HAVE messed up. I put something "forbidden" into my body. I feel like I've failed, again; broken yet another promise to myself. I guess without realizing it, I have been feeling very alone, and I was reaching for something that made me feel a little better. I guess at first I didn't notice it, because I have been doing great on my eating. I wasn't reaching for junk food, but I didn't really stop to think I was reaching for a junk drink. I had a headache this afternoon and didn't work out. I was NOT pleased about this, because I've really come to look forward to my workouts. I really enjoy them and the way they make me feel. I know that having a half a dozen cocktails over the past few days isn't the end of the world...but I can't help but feel bad. I know I shouldn't have had anything to drink...just like I know I shouldn't have any kind of junk food. I'm so disappointed in myself right now.
The worst part of all, is that today marks one year that I lost my sweet Gramma. I cannot believe that I have survived the past year without her. I can hardly see the words I am typing because my tears are so thick. When she died, a part of me did, too. I just feel like I have so many people in my life that ignore me, are mad at me for one thing or another, or merely just tolerate me. She never made me feel that way. She always made me feel like I was just wonderful, just the way I was. Sometimes (many times) she was the only person who seemed to actually look forward to talking to me, being around me, etc. I could always count on her to call, to send a letter, to say she missed me. It wasn't like these friends I have that I never hear from until I hunt them down and finally get them to agree to have dinner with me...and then I don't hear from them for another six months or a year. She was always the one person who ALWAYS made me feel good about myself. I miss her so much. I miss her friendship. I have the BEST dirty joke to tell her, too. We always had fun telling each other jokes. The dirtier, the better.
I went out onto the porch to take some Alka-Seltzer. I just needed a minute alone. Husband has this really irritating habit of never really paying much attention to me, but then as soon as I need a minute to myself, he's all up in my face. I know I probably sound like a hypocrite, but sometimes I just need that alone time. I don't always want to be alone. But I always am (basically). But when I'm super irritated, or hurt, or whatever, that is NOT the time to try to get close to me. And he just won't get the hint, either. He doesn't listen when I tell him I don't want to talk about it, he will physically get in my path so I can't walk on. It's just so annoying (where the hell are you when I'm TRYING to get your attention?! Now that I need some personal time to think or be alone, you are LITERALLY IN MY FACE.) I came in and I had been crying. He was trying to force me to hug him. Part of my problem was (is!) him, and his ignoring me. I can't just be there when he's done fondling his stupid phone or looking at his stupid video games or WHATEVER else it is he is doing other than paying attention to me. I guess I feel like he has all these opportunities and then he just decides he wants to acknowledge me all the sudden and it's when I want to be alone the most. He has it all freaking backwards. If he would just give me the attention and affection I need/want, I wouldn't really get to the point that I want to be alone. Sometimes I blame myself. I tell myself I'm fat, boring, overbearing, whatever, and that's why he doesn't show a lot of interest in me. I love him just the way he is. I tell him and show him every day. I'm not saying he is a bad person. He is VERY good to us, and is a very sweet person. He just never really seems to notice me, and it's breaking my heart.
Well, here's my run-down for today. Then I'm signing off.
SBD -- Phase 1.5, Day 17
Breakfast: Quaker Multi-Grain Hot Cereal with bananas, honey, and flax seeds...almond milk to drink.
Lunch: salad (mixed greens, cuke, black olives, grilled chicken breast, ranch dressing).
Dinner: leftover organic pot roast with veggies (carrots, sweet potatoes, parsnips, celery).
Snacks: cantaloupe, baby carrots, celery sticks, ranch dressing, skim milk, one rum cocktail.
Dessert: sugar-free strawberry Jello "fluff" with sugar-free Cool Whip.
Husband just came in here, kissed the top of my head and asked if I felt like talking. I said no. He said to tell him if I changed my mind. That's really sweet...but I feel like I tell him. I tell him every day.
Well that's it for tonight. If my Journal were a person, I would thank it for always letting me unload on it. This is how I am able to be a functioning person in the world. I can just unload all my negative emotions into my Journal and it clears my mind and my soul. I feel (mostly) refreshed and better by the end of it. In the real world, I'm actually an extremely happy-go-lucky, mellow person. I know it's because of my Journal that I can be like that. So...once again...thanks, Journal.