Tuesday, April 08, 2014
Last entry I was pretty sure I broke my hip. I had not been able to walk really for a couple of days and had been in a lot of pain. I was too embarrassed to see a doctor, so I continued to just deal with pain. It wasn't until I saw a friend (in the medical profession) of mine that I got any relief. "Your hip is dislocated, my friend. Why haven't you seen a doctor? All this time you could have been better." With a few manipulations my hip was clicked back in place and I had instant relief. One minute to fix pain I had been in for a week because I was too embarrassed. To. Ask. For. Help.... Whoa. Wake up call.
The time I have invested on scales, numbers, diets and weight is surmountable and the heaviness of it all is unmeasurable. The emotional aspect of "weight" over the last 17 years, has taken a bigger hold on me then I wanted to believe. I have allowed myself to be in pain for far too long because I was afraid. Afraid of what exactly? I'm not 100% sure but I know I need help in figuring that out.
I rejoined Weight Watchers... Not just online like I previously had, but I committed to weekly meetings. It is easy to hide behind a computer screen, but real open vulnerability in front of other vulnerable people dealing with the same ups and downs, seeing faces and smiles and tears, I think will help me heal some of the hiding I have been doing. I also began counseling to deal with that deep rooted emotion that I also have been hiding.
All of this is terrifying to me and I am ready to be brave.