Tuesday, April 08, 2014
I woke up today feeling anxious. I tried to figure out why. My mom came by yesterday and brought me some of my old clothing that used to fit me five years ago but didn't fit me since then. I tried them on eagerly and- they fit perfectly. Not tight at all. They look good on me.
And suddenly I was panicking.
It felt like I was stepping back in time. Seeing ghosts. Yes, that is me in the mirror. Yes, I look good. It's weird. I recognize myself, and yet I don't at all. Who is that girl? Who was I back then? Who am I now? What caused my weight to escalate again?
I think I'm scared that I will hit that point again and stay there. I have a goal weight, and so far I have just been focusing on getting there. I didn't think so much about the route along the way.
Now, I am 12 pounds away from my lowest weight ever, and that is seriously freaking me out. I think mainly because I'm scared that I won't make it past that, but also I'm scared that I WILL make it past that.
So I ask myself, do you WANT to get to your goal? CAN you get to your goal? And what comes after? What happens when there is no more weight to lose? What will be my focus then?
I think the fact that I've lost weight before and I recognize this place is what scares me the most. It's like stepping back in time, literally stepping back into my old clothes. But I have changed so much since then, in my personal life, socially, academically, in my career. I am not the same person I was back then. And yet I am wearing her clothes.
Can I get past this, into newer pasture? Can I keep going and make it farther then I did before? Or will I forever be stuck in limbo between my 'then' and 'now'?
I don't know what it means that my old clothing are freaking me out, but I think it's time for some new ones.