out-of-the-blue, emotional morning...then victory.
Saturday, April 05, 2014
This morning, I woke up and felt just a little off. No idea why. Just felt kind of off. I got up, made coffee, made breakfast, then climbed in bed to watch the final episode of Heavy -- a follow-up episode. I'm sad that there are no more to watch, but oh well. Daughter woke up much earlier than she usually does on a Saturday morning, and crawled in bed with me. I fixed her some breakfast and we had breakfast in bed together and watched that final episode. Afterwards, I decided it was time to get dressed for my workout. I asked Daughter if she'd like to come with me, and she said yes. As I was getting ready, I just got really emotional. I have no idea why, but I was thinking about all the crap I went through when I was about Daughter's age: my parents sudden divorce, Mom leaving and coming back, Dad leaving and coming back, me leaving and coming back...the brief physical and emotional abuse, and on-going general turmoil I endured...thinking about how hard it must have also been on my parents (I have a better appreciation for that now, now that I'm about their age at the time and now that I'm a parent, too)...thinking about how it's left me with all these issues about food, issues with my weight, inconsistency in my own life, hoping like Hell I'm doing the right thing for my daughter, but terribly worried I'm making many of the same mistakes...thinking about how I'm a grown adult now, and still feel so afraid and insecure and vulnerable at times...wondering how it must be for my daughter, watching her mom struggle like I watched my mom struggle (she still struggles to this day, and has for my entire life)...
It just all came out. I cried. I don't know where it all came from. Maybe I had a dream about it last night. Maybe I was subconsciously thinking about being overweight, working out, etc, and then I subconsciously thought about what got me to this state, the issues that put me here to begin with...I honestly have no idea. All I know is that all of a sudden, it was right there in front of my face, and I couldn't take it. I just broke down and cried.
I wiped my tears and we got in the car to go to the Middle School and do a workout. I asked Daughter if she thought she was truly a happy person. She gave me a very enthusiastic, "Yes!" and then we talked a bit about what I'd been upset about. I told her that all her dad and I ever want, is for her to be happy and healthy. Her life is SO different than mine was at her age...same for my Husband (his whole childhood was horrendous)...I told her that the issues I have from childhood still affect me to this day, and that I want to do everything I can to spare her the same pain. I told her that I know I make mistakes, but that I am trying to be a good mom, and I'm trying to set a good example. I told her I'm trying really hard to learn new ways to cope with my pain, and my stress. She said, "I really love running. It makes me feel so much better when I'm mad or upset." (She is on the track team at school). I agreed that exercise is a wonderful, if not perfect, remedy for stress. I told her I hoped she didn't think I was being a big ol' weirdo crybaby, but that sometimes I just get sad for the kid in me that kind of got lost way back when...and that I want to teach her better ways of dealing with pain (ie, crying and exercising!)...and I want to show her a better life...
Believe it or not, she got it. She understood, as best she can at her young age. She may be only 13, but she is a very intuitive, empathetic person...one of my favorite things about her. She patted my shoulder and said, "I don't think that at all." (about me being a weirdo crybaby). She said, "I understand. I would give you a big hug right now, but I think maybe it's illegal to hug a driver." (lol...she wasn't even trying to be funny, but she just has this way of making my heart smile).
When we got to the track, I gave and received a big hug.
THEN WE GOT BUSY.
I started off on the quarter-mile track, where I walked one lap, jogged one lap, walked a half lap, etc, until I had done a mile. Then we took off on the Nature Trail, but this time, we went in the other direction. This path takes us up a long, gently sloping hill, instead of down it. I did the same thing on the Nature Trail, intermittent walking/jogging, and by the time we were done with our two full laps, I'd ran about half (one full total) lap. So that was two miles. Then she and I ran the parking lot loop, up and down three sets of stairs (4x each), and jogged through the buses, weaving through each one. We did that for about 30 minutes or so. Then we did one, slow cool-down lap (walked slowly) on the quarter-mile track. We worked out for exactly one hour. Honestly, I thought I was going to puke and/or pass out during the last little bit of that cool-down lap. I really and truly thought I was going to puke/pass out. But I didn't.
We cheered each other on, and helped push each other. She gave me lots of thumbs-ups, high-fives, and fist bumps along the way. She patted my shoulder, and I patted her back. What a lucky mom I am. What an absolutely outstanding little person I have in my life. Sometimes it just still blows my mind that SHE CAME FROM ME. I'm so grateful for that kid. I really, truly am. I hope somehow she knows how much I love her. We decided we're going to run a 5K together. It's something I first started thinking about a couple of years ago. I told her it might take me a year to be able to run the whole thing, but I would love to give it a try. She said she'd do it with me. I'm excited about that.
When we got home, I mentioned how much better I felt. She said, "Yep. That's why I like running!" We relaxed in the living room for a little while and watched a little bit of Dirty Jobs. We've taken showers and are getting ready to have some lunch. I'm supposed to be calling one of my SILs who lives out of town with her family. They've apparently had some trouble with their church/employer and are leaving the area to move back here. She texted me this while I was working out and I told her I'd call her later this afternoon when we could actually talk. I'm curious to see how this will all play out, given the incredible stress and tension that's been in "the family" as of late...and what's still keeping us away. I'm curious to see how adding them back into the mix will affect things. Maybe it will all be too much for the other SIL and her family, and they will just pack up and move away once and for all. They would be doing everyone a favor. Or maybe they will, for once in their lives, just realize what they've done, truly apologize, and begin to make amends. (Not likely, but hey, a girl can dream).
So anyway...time for a little lunch. Daughter and I are going to watch Snow White and the Hunksman. Mmmm... Chris Hemsworth = eye candy.