Saturday, April 05, 2014
I have been stuck in a terrible cycle of binging, beating myself up for it, feeling stressed over it, and doing it some more. I've tried getting out of it any number of times, probably the majority of mornings I think, today I can break the cycle and do better. Then, I simply don't. I can't put my finger on why I think eating whatever whenever feels better in the short term than getting myself under control and out from under the awful guilt I'm imposing upon myself for this behavior. I've done some exercise some days, I've fallen into and back out of the habit of drinking lots of water. The only consistent thing is I'm eating, eating, eating.
I feel like a failure, constantly reporting more slip-up than success, so I've been very quiet on spark lately. I don't even want to track my weight, since it's up from where I had decided I was starting over again, 2 weeks, two months, two days ago. Sigh. That's not productive, either. I'm so irritated with myself!
The dress I had planned on losing weight to fit into to wear for my wedding feels more like a millstone now, another contributor to the guilt and shame I am feeling. I go back and forth between thinking, screw it, I'll just get a different dress, and, NO, don't do that, just get your ass in gear, you still have time!
This has to stop. I'm starting to feel the familiar aches and pains that accompany my body at this higher weight, that go away altogether if I'm even 5 pounds lighter. This isn't a vanity thing. This isn't a loathe yourself you'd be a better person if you were smaller thing.
This is an I need to love myself thing. Enough to care more for my health than whatever tasty oversize pile of morsels I feel like stuffing myself with. I need to move on from this pattern, forgive my poor choices, and do things that are loving for myself, my health and my body.
Today, I'm so sick of it! Enough is enough is enough. I'm planning to track my eating today, that's always a good start. I've done a bit of exercise already, and have been generally trying to avoid sitting too long at a stretch. Alright, hitting post and getting on with it before I lose my nerve.