Saturday, April 05, 2014
It hasn't really sunk in. I still get surprised when I get on the scale and see a "1" at the beginning of the number..lol I'm 15 pounds away from my goal (which will probably be adjusted, but 145 has been my goal for years as it was my high school weight..lol) And my reward for hitting my goal is a tattoo. It was such a long term goal, I never really seriously thought I'd make it. And now I'm only 15 pounds away. That's so insane to me.
The weight loss is so much more than a physical change. I never really realized how emotionally complicated it would be. I see before and after pics and see a difference, and looking in the mirror I see a little difference, but, honestly I don't feel like I see 100 pounds difference. I look down at my flabby belly and feel like I'm not even close to my high school weight (and I was chubby then too.) I heard someone say before that you never see yourself as big as you were and don't see yourself as small as you become. So true, so true! It's just something I'll have to continue working on.
On a side note, I got results back from the biopsy of the pollup found in my uterus and everything is fine. Thank goodness! I still have many more doc appts to get my hormones normal and hopefully I'll get the ok from the surgeon to start on fertility treatments again in June, but I know things are at least going in the right direction and I have a better chance of them working now that the weight is down. It does make it hard because of all the emotional pain and the toll it takes on me and my husband from trying and failing for 11 years and now we're going to try again. It makes me scared to try again because failing is so painful. But more painful would be not trying and then not knowing. I'm so blessed to have such a supportive and loving husband. I count my blessings for him every day and try to remember to tell him that as well.
Sad note-my grandfather died a week ago and his funeral is today. It was a long time coming and he's at peace and no more pain, but I'm dreading going to the funeral. Honestly I haven't mourned really since I got the call that he died and I know inside I've just mostly avoided feeling it and by going to the funeral, I'll be forced to face it and I really don't want to. I mean, who would want to? Nobody likes funerals. When my uncle died last year, whom I was very close with, I said goodbye to him in my own way and had mourned and had closure before his funeral. I went for family, not for him or me, but this isn't how I'm reacting to my grandfather. I'm just blocking it out and I recognize that and also realize it's not healthy, but, damnit, I just really really don't want to go!
So what a bitter day for my 100 pound success. But, I know he's looking down and proud of me and my accomplishments, so I guess it's just bittersweet.