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fear(i guess is as good a title as any)

Friday, April 04, 2014

fear,why have i picked that as this blog title?especially when in islam the only fear a person should have is a fear of god.does this make me a bad muslim or a less of a person because i am abit afraid ?i hope not .i know it took alot of courage for me to admit out here openly that i have fear as somehow it is associated as a form of weakness maybe even a lack of character?not certain on that one.i know my father would see it that way but that is getting away from what i intended to write i guess.i am sure several of my spark friends have noticed i have been using more emotions than words when answering their blogs or that i have not been as chatty or as active as i usually have and i know most have put it down to the fact that i am recovering from an op and have alot onb my plate at the moment with lotfi being away(by the way he is due back late saturday/early sunday morning depending on traffice)so not long now.that has been abit of it but mostly it has been fear,of the up and coming op.my ability to put them fears in words.not even certain which i have the most fear from,my next op due on the 14th of april or the fear that at my pre op check up on monday they might decide that they can´t do the operation.for those who are my friends and follow my blogs you all know i have a blood disorder.that disorder is called antiphospholipid anti body syndrome.for those who are interested in what that is and actually entails here is the link to it in sparkpeoples A-Z

i actually have what is classed as catastropic antiphospholipid anti body syndrome which is mentioned briefly on page 8 of the article.this desease,disorder however you want to call it has effected my life drastically in one form of another over the years.it has caused me to have three miscarriages over the years and also caused meto nearly loose all three of the children i have which thankheavens didn´t happen but i often wonder if all the problems i had in the pregnancies with them and going into early labour etc is not the causes for all the health problems they have and have to deal with for the rest of their lifes.fear has touched my life often when one of them was ill,in hospital,fitting for their lifes etc.this desease has also caused me to have 8 lung embolisms(blood clots of the lungs)in the last 31/2 years.caused me to have constant anemia.weather it had anything to do with me technichally dieing on the operation table in 2010 and having to be resusitated i don´t know but i do know because this next operation is quite a big one i am afraid that i might have the same problem re the 2010 operation.i am afraid that maybe this time they might not bring me back.then i worry about the kids and lotfi,how would they cope without me.i wonder if i am being selfish to want to be out of this constant pain i have been in for years now.i saw my mother and my nana ending up in wheelchairs i don´t want that for me i want to be active and able to walk,run,play with my children even grandchildren.is that selfish do i have the right?what has brought this fear on at the moment is because my two sisters and my niece have the same desease and my sister tracy´s desease is in a more advanced stage i see what she is going through and i can see what might be there for me.tracy also has lupus though which i don´t she has had a stroke in the past when she was 41 but she has had no blood clots.what she has had is ulcers(open sores )on her legs for years now and this last month she has started having problems with her liver and kidneys which the dr´s are still doing tests on.this is scareing me.i am scared for my sister and i think if i am this scared how scared must my kids be.what is it doing to them phychologically.they know i am going into hospital and that i will be away between 2-3 months maybe more.this week ayyub was actually caught stealing in a local shop(somethinghe has never done before)and which really shocked me which was the reason for my stress status the other day.i kno0w it is hard for them i was still recovering from my last op 4th march and lotfi went to tunisia as his father is really ill and we don´t know when he will be able to go again as we don´t know how long i will need to recover from my op.sorry this seems to be getting a really longer blog than intented.as i said at the start of this blog i am scared that they might decide not to do the op as scheduled.why you wonder.well this is the first time i have admitted this last week i also got an ulcer(open sore)on the back of my calf on the leg to be operated on.it is not closeing and not clearing upit is also in a place that i can´t access t so good or see.on top of that i am feeling really rough.weather it is allergies which zakariya also has pretty bad at the moment or that i am coming down with somethingmy throat is all cratchy am my voice is very horse.my nose and eyes are bunged and my chest is burning that i sometimes have problems breathing(which i hope isn´t another lung embolie brewing)anyway i am worried what they are going to say on monday when they see my ulcer(open sore)also hear me speak etc.hope this blogs make sense i am writting it more for me to get my thoughts out and hopefully by putting it out in the open my fears will lessen abit.i have always believed that allah/god doesn´t give us anything he doesn´t think we can´t handel and also that our lifes is pre written before i was born so if my time is up it is up but still i worry and am scared.more for lotfi and the kids if that makes sense.because of all theese beliefs i can usually brush off my fears but since i seen this opensore i can´t as i just see my sister how she was when she first started getting her open sores a few years back and now how she is having problems with her liver and kidneys etc.i know it might not happen the same with me as it is for her but it is there in the back of my mind.i know all my trails have made me the person i am today and i am grateful for that .i am a stronger,more compassionate,hopeful person because of it all so i know what will be will be and whatever it is i can deal with it because god thinks i can and who am ito disagree.seen this poster today which made me decide to have the courage and actually admit not only to myself but to you my friends my fearsl.i thank you for being there for me and all your support.foe taking the time to read this blog and aan extra thanks if you reply.i don´t know if it has achieved anything by thisand as it is nearly 3 am i best i should try and go to sleep lol
here is to us handeling stress incredablly well.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MUSIC66
    I don't blame u that u a frightened I would be
    1436 days ago
    feeling some anxiety about things you have no control over is very normal, it isn't an irrational fear. You are an amazing lady who has touched the lives of so many people, your Sparkfriends are honoured to know you and we are all wishing you well for the op.

    It is scary when you see close family members having similar health issues, let's hope there is something the German doctors know that the Welsh ones don't!

    big hugs
    1441 days ago
    You have courage because you are here and you want things to change. Fear is bad when it paralyses me, when I can think of nothing good. It is good when I can say "OK what can I do to feel safer or more secure". I made and "I Matter" list of things that I can do to work towards health or feeling safe... from taking my mediations on time to going for a walk or getting to bed on time or spending time with my kids. emoticon emoticon emoticon Or playing my harp. You will find things that you can do.
    1442 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/6/2014 11:34:11 PM
    Thank you for sharing with us. Fear is a normal human response. Especially after everything you have been through. Your faith will get you through. Allah is there for you to lean on. You are a dear friend to do many on Spark. I wish I could help you through this time. Your in my prayers. emoticon
    1443 days ago
  • CIPHER1971
    I think fear is normal for most people, I hope everything goes well for your op.

    As for being a good muslim - I have no idea, but you are a good human being, which is all most of us can every hope for

    Wishing you strength and courage.
    1443 days ago
    emoticon Karen, you are an incredibly strong woman, and I would be more concerned for you if you didn't have some fear at this point. It's perfectly natural. I know that God has set you on this path for a reason and he will be holding you every step of the way. I will keep you in my prayers, so that you will feel His touch while you are going through this.
    1443 days ago
    Karen - I think fear is common and natural emotion in spite of the health issues you're faced with. I don't think the kind of fear you're experiencing is the fear that would be looked down upon. I know you're deep into your faith and you know who holds your tomorrow. I will be praying for you and your entire family. I pray that you'll have peace. I pray that when you go to the doctor Monday that the best decision concerning your upcoming surgery on the 14th will be made on your behalf. It may or may not be what you want but we must trust that it will be the best health decision for you. I pray that the ulcer on your leg heals. I pray for your sons and Lofti. I will be in constant prayer for you my friend.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1443 days ago
    Karen, you have every right as a human being to feel fear! Feelings just are. It's OK! I hold you in such high esteem for your ability to express it and move forward anyway!

    I love you!!! emoticon
    1443 days ago
    I think it is very brave of you to post a blog about fear... for some people that might not take courage, but for you I can feel that it does.
    You have a lot you are facing... maybe some things you would rather not have to face... but you are facing... dealing... trying....
    I found a short comment by Deepak Chopra to be of help to me.... you can acceot the diagnosis but you don't have to believe the prognosis.... hmm. i think i have not quoted it exactly... but it helped me.. meaning doctors deal with percentages etc.. but they never truly know who will fall into which...
    I believe between your courage and strength and experience and faith you will come through your fear and the operation and feel so much better than you do right now... and of course, knowing you in even such a limited way, you will light the path for others facing similar trials.

    with care,
    1443 days ago
    KAREN, I hope, and pray that everything will turn out fine !
    emoticon emoticon
    1444 days ago
    Honestly I think fear is a natural feeling/reaction to all the stress you're under. I can't even imagine! You will be in my thoughts and I really do hope everything goes well for you and your family.
    1444 days ago
    Oh my goodness. You have more than enough on your plate and MUCH reason for the fear you're feeling. It is NOT weak. It is HUMAN. Anything which makes us face our own mortality is scary. I know in the conscious mind, we know all our days are #'d. We will not live on infinitely. That is scary. Then when you factor in missing your family, what will your family do without out, it is overwhelmingly scary!

    I am proud of you that you spoke of this fear. Know you're in my thoughts and prayers. You are doing what you can to take care of yourself and that's about all that you can do. Don't neglect to let those you love KNOW that you love them. That's important. Don't leave that unsaid.

    HUGS and prayers.
    1444 days ago
    Ohh Sweetie, you have every right to be frightened .. I understand how you feel having been your friend for so long ..
    The medical profession has really worked some miracles in this time and age .. Be assured they will do the very best for you ..
    Know that my love and prayers will be with you and I will be sending healing vibes ..
    The boys will be fine ..
    The sooner this op is done the better ..
    The younger you are the more easier the healing will be ..
    Thinking and Praying for you my Darling ..
    Love Susie .. Give the boys a cuddle from me .. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1444 days ago
    Karen, I am so sorry to hear that you are going thru a lot in your life emotionally and physically. I am so glad that you've found this poster to I courage you. You are stronger then you think. And I do have faith in you that you can over come your fear. And things will get better. Nothing will get done or make you feel better worrying about your unknown future. I believe positive thinking/energy will bring positive result. Much love and **hugs** to you. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1444 days ago
    emoticon , my friend, you have the right to have fear of the unknown. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and God will help you through all that is coming your way. Know that your friends on here will be here to encourage you along this journey and will be here when you return.
    1444 days ago
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