The last several months have been a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I feel determined to plow forward, while other days I simply want to stay in bed and let the world do its thing without me. The loss of Tommy, and then Thor right at Christmas, creeps into my mind daily. I suppose it always will. At first, I tried staying very, very busy to keep my mind off things, a form of avoidance I suppose. Still, it worked. Then I had the foot surgery and was off my feet for weeks. That left me with too much time to dwell on my losses. I realize that sooner or later I had to face the loss of my boys, but it has been much harder than I thought it would be. Iím slowly working through this with the help of family and friends and lots of prayer.
Not being able to get out and exercise also gave me an excuse to stay away from Spark People. In looking back I realize I was avoiding being here so that I wouldnít have to think about my weight or lack of exercise. Instead, I started watching a lot of TV (something I never liked that much before) and spending more time on Facebook (nobody there was talking about weight loss). The sedentary lifestyle didnít help my weight loss goals. I gained about five pounds back, so now I have to lose those all over again. One more thing to feel depressed about. Ugh!
I realize now how important family and friends are, especially at times like this. It took a friend from my high school days to make me understand that. He lives far away, but has called me every week for the last couple months to check in on me. Being friends since we were 15 years old, he knows me well and still knows how to make me laugh. His friendship during this time has been a true blessing.
Iíve also learned how important it is to make every effort to keep up with our friends because they too may be going through difficult times. Last week I learned of the passing of one of the dearest women Iíve ever known. I had become so wrapped up in my own grief that I had stopped communicating with many of my friends. I was devastated knowing that she had been there for me during Tommyís illness, and I should have been there for her. I still have and wear the bracelet she gave me with the words inscribed ďFall Seven Times, Stand Up EightĒ as a reminder to keep moving forward and to be here for my family and friends in the future.
My doctor finally told me I could drive again last week. Iím not sure who was happier, me or my son who had been shuttling me around, back and forth to work. My foot is still a little sore but I managed to get it back into a regular shoe this week. Iím not ready for a long hike, but I did load my bike up on Monday and drove to the mountains to ride on the New River Trail. It seemed strange riding without Tommy, but it was still nice to get back outdoors on a beautiful day.
I must say that another bright spot in my life the last few months has been little Sahara, who is not really that little anymore at almost 35 pounds. She is into everything, but thatís to be expected from a puppy. Weíre still working on her manners, but she gets a little better each day. She can never replace Thor, but she has her own wonderful personality and love to share. After my surgery, she stayed right with me all the time and was great company. Even with her abundance of energy, she seemed to realize that I was not doing well and most of the time was curled up beside me. Iím so glad she adopted me!
As I start this day, I am more determined than ever to get myself back on track. I will make every effort to check in on my friends to see how they are doing. I will get outdoors and get moving again to reduce some of this anxiety and weight. I will work on improving my outlook on life and accept that there will still be bad days along with the good. I know that there will be bumps in the road, but like the words inscribed on my bracelet suggest, every time I fall, I will get back up.
Thank you all who have sent me Spark Goodies and messages. I apologize for not keeping up the last few months, but I will do better in the future.
Happy Friday everyone!