Thursday, April 03, 2014
So, here's what happened. I started out the year great, and was even down 10 lbs within 2 months. Not quite sure what happened as soon as March hit, but all I know is that things started to go downhill, and I felt like I was sort of losing control. This past month has been filled with binges, restarts, lots of movie watching, more binges, oh yea, and more restarts. I was going to use April 1st as my most recent "restart" date, but decided against it. Not only do I think it's kind of cliche to start over on the 1st of anything, it was also April Fools day, and my weight loss and health goals are NO joke.
I don't know how it happened, but at 10:45pm last night, I found myself eating a whole small pizza to myself...and it wasn't even remotely healthy. Just double cheese, that's all I like. Don't get me wrong...it was totally delicious and really hit the spot, but I realized that I need to stop doing this. I need to have better control over my portions. I don't ever want to eat an entire pizza to myself again. I can't say that I will never have pizza again, but who says that the pizza has to be the whole meal? Why not a slice or 2 with a side salad...that sounds like a better option. I guess I just like to go big or go home. Was anyone around when I ate this pizza? Of course not....who wants to eat a whole pizza in front of someone. This is what my BF likes to call "secret pizza", because that's exactly what it is. It's a secret that only I know about. I used to have a real problem with this...getting pizza up to 2 times a week. I don't want to have "secret pizza" anymore, and I don't want to lie about what I had for dinner anymore either.
I've recently started listening to Jillian Michael's "Slim For Life" in audio book form in my car. Some things she's saying are really hitting home and opening my eyes. What I have come to realize is that not only am I kinda, sorta immature in my everyday life, but I am immature when it comes to the food I eat. What do I go for when I am shopping for a binge? Sugary kids cereal, KD, candy and all that good stuff. Growing up, I probably got most of the food I wanted. Even in high school and college...if I wanted something, I didn't think twice before I ate it. I've indulged my entire life, and I don't plan on completely stopping, because that would be unrealistic, but my indulgences need to be more calculated, and almost planned. I need to GROW UP. I'm not a little kid anymore, and am almost in my 30's. The things I said in my younger days that I'd "worry about when I was older", are here...they are things I now need to worry about.
I think my maturity is gaining in other aspects of my life too, and I'm happy for the changes. So today is my restart (more than likely not my last either). I'm proud of how today has gone so far and figured it would probably be a good idea to come clean to someone other than myself. I'm not looking for perfection, and I'm not looking for a quick fix. I am more loving towards myself and am more thankful than I have been in a long time for all that my body does for me. I could say "I wish I had these ah-ha moments sooner", but you know what, I won't. I obviously wasn't ready for these kinds of revelations until just now. Hopefully they will aid in my never ending quest to be the best me I can be.
Here's to more eye openings and success...