Monday, March 31, 2014
I've been a pessimist for as long as I can remember. Optimism has never come easy for me.
I grew up as a chubby little girl, over 200 lbs by the time I was a freshman in HS. I lived in the country, didn't really have a lot of friends and only had my mom and brother around for companionship. My mom lived a pretty sheltered life, only ever dated and married my father, never lived on her own and didn't teach me about life, since she hadn't had too many life experiences of her own. My dad is an alcoholic, has been as long as I can remember. He's a prison guard so he comes home grumpy and finishes off a 12 pack of beer a night. We never really got along when I was growing up, and was major part of the reason I left home at 18.
I grew up without too many of those rites of passage that you're supposed to have as a young adult. Not to sound jaded, but nothing super fantastic ever happened that I had to look forward to. I didn't go to a four year college, never got drunk with my friends in high school. Didn't even kiss a boy till I was 17. I was lonely and bored a lot of the time.
What does that have to do with the way i think? Well, I feel like your life experiences make you who you are. I've finally come into my own within the past few years, i finally know who I am and have lived a little bit, so I would like to change the way I think.
I can't change the past, and I don't look back on my childhood and say that it was awful, I have two parents who love me, it was just tough. I know, however, that I can change my future, so now, maybe with losing 150+ pounds of real weight, I can lose some mental weight that's bogging me down as well.
A few examples that come to mind recently are my wedding and my neighbors. My wedding is less than six months away and I have a bridesmaid that isn't really pulling her weight. We went bridesmaid dress shopping back in January and she told me at that time that she wasn't going to order it yet because she wanted to lose some weight first. I told her that was fine, as long as she ordered it by March, to ensure that it would be in on time. She told me a few weeks ago that she already ordered it and it should be here in a month and a half. I was skeptical, as she's lied to me in the past (why I asked her to be my bridesmaid... I don't know!), but I let it slide. So this last weekend I went veil shopping with my mom and we checked to make sure all the girls had their dresses ordered. Hers, of course, had not been ordered. I confronted her about it, in a really nonchalant sort of manner, and she said they must be mistaken, as she has ordered it already. I just let it go, but inside, I was super mad. However... I've decided, that what happens, happens. If she doesn't have it ordered and in by the wedding, not really worried about it. One less bridesmaid to worry about getting ready. I need to let the small things go.
The other example is my neighbors... she hates me. Why? I don't know... a week after I got my new car, she accused me of trying to hit her... REALLY, with my brand new car?! But since then, she causes lots of drama and accuses me of a lot of inaccuracies. Just this morning I could hear her yelling at her husband outside because I parked my car in my driveway some place that she didn't like. Its a whole, big long story, but in short, I was FUMING! Yes, she didn't say it to me, but I could her her yelling into my house, with my windows closed AND with my radio on. I couldn't stop thinking of the ways that I would respond to her if she said something, since she only seems to have an issue with me, and not my fiance.
However, I need to let things go. Why should I let her unhappiness with WHATEVER, affect me? Why should I fret over how things might go wrong in my upcoming marriage, when I have no reason to believe they will. Why do I constantly think bad thoughts about how I'm going to gain all of my weight back, when I have been doing so well with maintaining? Why get anxious EVERY time I see my neighbor outside, even if I'm in my house? She can't do anything to me when I haven't done anything wrong.
I really need to start being HAPPY and thinking more positively. I need to not let other peoples choices and decisions affect the way I think and act. I know its going to be easier said than done, but right now, that's what I need to do for me. I lost weight and it took time, I can lose some of my pessimism over time as well. It won't happen over night, but I'm going to keep at it! I must be positive!
I found an article about how thinking positively may contribute to a longer life. I already added years on by losing weight, I don't want to take them away again by being a Negative Nelly all of the time!
Any tips from the peanut gallery on how to keep this positive way of thinking and living up? Cause I could use all the help I can get!