Sunday, March 30, 2014
I really, really, really wanted something good today. Something not allowed. Something not Paleo. Pizza. Pasta. Whatever. I thought about it and thought about it and finally decided to do it. I've been good, I want something yummy, and I can have it. Can I have it and move on? That's the real test.
Well, I've said it once and I'll say it again: there is a REASON for why I feel so freaking good on Paleo. My "yummy" was "yucky" and now I just wish I could make the day disappear and start again.
I don't know why I suddenly had to do it. I wasn't craving anything. I really wasn't. It was a decision that I made using my brain, not my stomach. In fact, it was hard to decide what to have because nothing sounded good.
I went to the gym today for the first time and we talked about my goals and such. Today was a beginning of something that I've been putting off. Something about that sent me back into "one last time" mode. I want to be 100% Paleo without exception, I want to have an exercise routine, I want to log everything and see results. But something made me think, "one last time", even though I knew I didn't want any of it. So I ate badness. There, it's done. Moving on.
I've had it out with my friend, B, twice now. I really got down to the nitty gritty and I think she understands now why I just don't want to talk to her about babies or having babies. I asked her to just take it as is and not try to understand, because she can't. Then the flood gates opened and we basically just told each other things that have been bothering us for years but that we haven't brought up...ugh. It was emotionally draining, to say the least. She isn't happy about it, but I think she gets that I can't be her go-to person when it comes to baby talk. I told her if she can't respect that, I'm not sure we can be friends. She cried. A lot. Anyway. I think we got somewhere. We'll see. She told me a lot of extremely personal things about her past that she hasn't told me in the 8 years we've known each other. It really made me see her in a different picture.
So that was all the bad stuff that I wish I could make go away...maybe that's why I ate the way I did. Maybe I was trying to fill a void.
Sorry for such a gloomy blog.
I'm going to try to end it on a good note with my goals for April:
1) Log it, blog it
2) Hit the gym...hard
3) 100% Paleo