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Day 4/66: can I make this day go away?

Sunday, March 30, 2014

I really, really, really wanted something good today. Something not allowed. Something not Paleo. Pizza. Pasta. Whatever. I thought about it and thought about it and finally decided to do it. I've been good, I want something yummy, and I can have it. Can I have it and move on? That's the real test.

Well, I've said it once and I'll say it again: there is a REASON for why I feel so freaking good on Paleo. My "yummy" was "yucky" and now I just wish I could make the day disappear and start again.

I don't know why I suddenly had to do it. I wasn't craving anything. I really wasn't. It was a decision that I made using my brain, not my stomach. In fact, it was hard to decide what to have because nothing sounded good.

I went to the gym today for the first time and we talked about my goals and such. Today was a beginning of something that I've been putting off. Something about that sent me back into "one last time" mode. I want to be 100% Paleo without exception, I want to have an exercise routine, I want to log everything and see results. But something made me think, "one last time", even though I knew I didn't want any of it. So I ate badness. There, it's done. Moving on.

I've had it out with my friend, B, twice now. I really got down to the nitty gritty and I think she understands now why I just don't want to talk to her about babies or having babies. I asked her to just take it as is and not try to understand, because she can't. Then the flood gates opened and we basically just told each other things that have been bothering us for years but that we haven't brought up...ugh. It was emotionally draining, to say the least. She isn't happy about it, but I think she gets that I can't be her go-to person when it comes to baby talk. I told her if she can't respect that, I'm not sure we can be friends. She cried. A lot. Anyway. I think we got somewhere. We'll see. She told me a lot of extremely personal things about her past that she hasn't told me in the 8 years we've known each other. It really made me see her in a different picture.

So that was all the bad stuff that I wish I could make go away...maybe that's why I ate the way I did. Maybe I was trying to fill a void.

Sorry for such a gloomy blog.

I'm going to try to end it on a good note with my goals for April:
1) Log it, blog it
2) Hit the gym...hard
3) 100% Paleo

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Good to hear you finally spoke honestly with the friend. Nothing is harder then having someone in your life you talk to a lot that you constantly feel like there is an elephant in the room when talking to them. At least you guys are still speaking. When I usually when I have those all out battles with female friends, we both run away bleeding and leaving it alone.
    879 days ago
  • v _RAMONA

    Though it was hard, I'm glad you and your friend were able to air out the cobwebs and shadows in your relationship. Now you stand a chance of really staying friends. I like that you set a clear boundary... you're right... she doesn't have to understand, she simply must accept/respect your limitations. As far as relationships go, I ask myself this question before I take on conflicts in my relationships directly: "Do I want this person/relationship to be part of my life 50 years from now?" If the answer is 'yes' I wade on in... if the answer is 'no' I let go and move on.

    As far as the food goes... I think there is value in deliberately revisiting old places... I even think we have to do it from time to time just to see clearly how far we've moved beyond. We did this as a family once after living Paleo for a year or so... we actually chose to have Burger King... and within hours, we were all sick. Now, we no longer 'miss' fast food. We needed that event to complete our reframe... we are no longer people who eat fast food... ever.

    People often don't realize that changing a nutritional focus to the extent that you are is about so much more than the food itself... everything must be redefined... comfort, good, yummy, treat, celebration, the place/space food has in your life... once the rubber meets the road on this journey to wellness, most of us realize that food overall has an inappropriate place in our lives (often, in too many ways, what we eat begins to define us emotionally and physically)... and that's where the real journey begins... when we ask the question: "who am I outside of food?" When we can confidently be who we are without distraction, and allow food to simply support and enhance that, then we have found the key.

    I always marvel at people who forcefully proclaim they could NEVER not eat bread (pizza, cake, doughnuts, eggs, nuts, whatever it may be) for the rest of their lives, and I wonder how they can allow their world to stay so verey small.

    Don't be hard on yourself... the process is necessary. As human beings, the only mirrors we have for seeing oursleves clearly, are our choices and the impact we experience as a result.

    879 days ago
  • v NUMD97
    Good. Phebe sees what I see. I'll elaborate later. First you need to understand on your own what we see.


    emoticon [but realistically]

    See you in a month!
    881 days ago
    Same here. When I indulge I am going to pay the price. And I'm usually sick enough that I'm not sure why I do it. Like right now, I feel sick.

    I hope that telling your friend how you feel will clear the air and you can both make adjustments. Friends don't have to be on the same page in every area of their lives. Hopefully you can still find some common ground.
    883 days ago
    Some days are emotional, some days require food we know isn't good for us but we feel is comforting.

    And yeah, check back to this blog in a month or so. You may feel this way again, or you may find other ways of dealing with rotten days.

    For now, just move, tomorrow is another day.
    884 days ago
  • v NUMD97
    OK, I'm going to take a totally different stance here, and hope that you understand: I would like you to bookmark this blog and come back to it in about a month and try to see why this day was a bad one for you (your friend excepted. I mean the eating part exclusively, as you wrote it).

    That's the only hint I'm going to give you for now. Think about it.
    884 days ago
    I'm sure that you've been going a much better job than I this weekend. We were traveling. I don't dare weigh myself until at least Thursday :(

    Have a happy, healthy week!
    884 days ago
    She sounds like she brings a lot of drama to the friendship. Yikes!
    884 days ago
    Sometimes getting it out - regardless of the final consequences - is the best thing to do. Emotionally draining, yes, but freeing as well.

    884 days ago
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