30,000-39,999 SparkPoints 34,935

I Don't Want To Be A Hero

Friday, March 28, 2014

Even through I haven't been on here talking about it, I have been thinking about my body image. When I was at my goal weight, even after losing 100 pounds, I hated my body. When I was on all four, my tummy hung and kinda looked like an extra set of boobs. My skin felt like crepe paper. I even had saggy skin on my breasts. I hated my now ex boyfriend trying to fool around with my breasts.

I simply did not feel sexy or attractive and was extremely uncomfortable naked. I dove under covers. I tried to accept my body but it wasn't working. Society lied to me. "They" (whoever they are) said all I would have to do was to lose weight and I'd be skinny with tight skin. This journey is different for everyone but it never happened for me. In fact, every morning I looked down at my stomach and glared at it. It was still there. This journey was started to get rid of that roll of fat and darn it, it is still there. I still couldn't wear jeans without it going over the top of my pants.

Now, fast forward a year. I gained weight. Right now, I am at 200, 40 pounds up from my goal weight. My stomach filled in and I can can honestly say I can be naked around my boyfriend without feeling ashamed. It's nice looking into the mirror naked and feeling good. I even feel out my swimsuit nicely. My boobs aren't wrinkly nor do I have an extra set of boobs. Sure I would like dimples from my butt to disappear or my legs to be solid muscle like when I was running all the time.

This is such a challenging time. I feel like I "should" lose weight but I just don't want to. I am done with stressing over every calories, or not being able to indulge. I just want to be run, lift and eat. I want to love life. Not worry about every little thing. I wouldn't mind losing some weight but I don't think I will go back to 160. I cannot afford skin surgery and I am not one of those lucky folks that can have Dr. Oz or Oprah pay for it.

And, that is okay. I don't need to be a size 6 or whatever the magical size. I just want to be a normal gal. I don't want to be the hero anymore. People put me on a pedal stool and kinda forgot I am just a person like everyone else. They refer to me as the girl that lose all that weight. When I am dreaming, I even consider telling my story. I think it'd sell. Than, I struggle with my modest side. I honestly feel like anyone can do this with enough determination. Because you CAN do this.

The true inspiration are the people with prosthesis that overcome their limitations. A friend of mine had her legs amputated than she lost a considerate amount of weight. That is simply amazing. Or the guy that does a dead squat even with having a prosthesis (which I have witnessed at my last gym). Or how about the woman that was running the Boston Marathon and was part of the terrible marathon bombing yet she is either running again or working on it. Those are the true inspirations. Not me.

(And, here's picture of me and my boyfriend!)

Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You can be much better than normal. Being at a healthier BMI will have so many rewards for the long term. I just read a great article here on SparkPeople speaks to my personal testimony:
    The Weight-Loss Side Effect That No One Talks About
    Will I Have Excess Skin Once I Lose Weight?
    -- By Megan Patrick, Staff Writer

    Studies show that the vast majority of people who lose 50 percent or more of their body weight (whether through surgery or lifestyle change) report being unhappy with their bodies later. Why? Because even after all the work and the weight loss, losing that much body fat usually results in excessive amounts of loose skin on the abdomen, arms and thighs. However, medical experts agree that the health benefits of losing weight far outweigh any potential problems that might be caused by excess skin . . . .

    1424 days ago
    1424 days ago
    1424 days ago
    Hide the scale. Eat healthy. Lace up your shoes and run. Do what feeds your soul.
    1424 days ago
    what you wrote here was something I saw in one of the Spark mailings and for the life of me I cant find it. I was something like "the things about weight loss that no one tells you about" or something like that. It went into detail about different members experiences and so much of it was about loose skin and other issues. Being that heavy does alot of damage to us. I know that no matter how much I lose, I will never be tight and toned because I have been stretched out.

    Those before/after where they look buff and toned, well you can get like that if you were maybe 30+ pounds overweight, not 160lbs. Our skin can only take so much.

    You are headed in the right direction, just be happy in your own skin rather than a number defining your happiness. BE YOU :) :) :)

    big hugs for CM

    1425 days ago
    My dear, it's all about feeling healthy first, then the rest is . . . whatever! So, work on eating healthy, getting exercise.

    I lovethe pic of you and your BF! You both look happy. THAT'S important too.

    HUGS sweetie.
    1425 days ago
    It is your life to live and you need to be happy in your own skin. I think most people have a weight where they feel good and look good. I do not agree with all those height and weight measurements. You look great in your picture with your boyfriend. emoticon
    1425 days ago
    I have so much love for this post it's crazy! You took the words right out of my mouth. I was happiest when I stopped trying to change me because I felt like that's what I was supposed to do. What society said I was supposed to do and if I wasn't trying I was less of a person. I stopped trying and felt awesome. Now, I'm ready to lose weight...FOR ME! No one else. That's what matters, not the opinions of society :) Thanks for posting this, I needed to hear it from someone else to help me remember I'm not crazy for thinking this way, lol.
    1425 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.