Friday, March 28, 2014
Even through I haven't been on here talking about it, I have been thinking about my body image. When I was at my goal weight, even after losing 100 pounds, I hated my body. When I was on all four, my tummy hung and kinda looked like an extra set of boobs. My skin felt like crepe paper. I even had saggy skin on my breasts. I hated my now ex boyfriend trying to fool around with my breasts.
I simply did not feel sexy or attractive and was extremely uncomfortable naked. I dove under covers. I tried to accept my body but it wasn't working. Society lied to me. "They" (whoever they are) said all I would have to do was to lose weight and I'd be skinny with tight skin. This journey is different for everyone but it never happened for me. In fact, every morning I looked down at my stomach and glared at it. It was still there. This journey was started to get rid of that roll of fat and darn it, it is still there. I still couldn't wear jeans without it going over the top of my pants.
Now, fast forward a year. I gained weight. Right now, I am at 200, 40 pounds up from my goal weight. My stomach filled in and I can can honestly say I can be naked around my boyfriend without feeling ashamed. It's nice looking into the mirror naked and feeling good. I even feel out my swimsuit nicely. My boobs aren't wrinkly nor do I have an extra set of boobs. Sure I would like dimples from my butt to disappear or my legs to be solid muscle like when I was running all the time.
This is such a challenging time. I feel like I "should" lose weight but I just don't want to. I am done with stressing over every calories, or not being able to indulge. I just want to be run, lift and eat. I want to love life. Not worry about every little thing. I wouldn't mind losing some weight but I don't think I will go back to 160. I cannot afford skin surgery and I am not one of those lucky folks that can have Dr. Oz or Oprah pay for it.
And, that is okay. I don't need to be a size 6 or whatever the magical size. I just want to be a normal gal. I don't want to be the hero anymore. People put me on a pedal stool and kinda forgot I am just a person like everyone else. They refer to me as the girl that lose all that weight. When I am dreaming, I even consider telling my story. I think it'd sell. Than, I struggle with my modest side. I honestly feel like anyone can do this with enough determination. Because you CAN do this.
The true inspiration are the people with prosthesis that overcome their limitations. A friend of mine had her legs amputated than she lost a considerate amount of weight. That is simply amazing. Or the guy that does a dead squat even with having a prosthesis (which I have witnessed at my last gym). Or how about the woman that was running the Boston Marathon and was part of the terrible marathon bombing yet she is either running again or working on it. Those are the true inspirations. Not me.
(And, here's picture of me and my boyfriend!)