Friday, March 28, 2014
Warning: Rant Ahead...
I think that a big motivator for me to lose weight is clothing. I avoid going out because I don't own any clothes that make me feel good about myself. The reason why I don't own any of these clothes is because I keep thinking I'll lose weight, and I don't want to purchase clothing that will only fit me for a little while.
All I really want is to be able to wear a pair of jeans that are flattering. The jeans I own now (all TWO PAIRS of them) are baggy in my legs and skin-tight around my hips. I refuse to buy an expensive pair of jeans because "I'm going to lose weight." I am just sick of lying to myself. The weight isn't going to come off quickly. I can't keep putting my life on hold because I don't own any clothes that make me feel confident about my body.
This isn't the most uplifting blog in the world, but I just needed to rant. I think all of this sparked from my watching "What Not to Wear" on TV today. The young woman on the show was hiding behind her clothing to hide her larger physique. She wore unflattering jeans and hoodies. This is what I wear on a daily basis, except for when I'm teaching. My teaching clothes are really unflattering for my age because I'm ashamed of my size. I buy baggy sizes, and I am constantly wearing cardigans or sweaters to cover up my fat rolls. But what happens when it gets to be summer, and I can't wear cardigans without looking like a fool?
I am throwing myself this pity party because I need to vent about my frustration with myself. I'm so sad that I let myself get to this point. I used to be really attractive (though I would have never admitted it to myself at the time). My weight gain began when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me 3 years ago (pathetic - I know). I've gained about 80 lbs. since then because "I was unloveable." I know that this is not true, and that is why I began this lifestyle change. I know that I have to love myself before I get involved in another relationship. I want to be comfortable and confident in my body. So, as I was writing this rant of mine, I've decided that I'm rewarding my 20 lb. weight loss with a small shopping trip...maybe a new pair of jean capris and two tops for summer.
Thank you to whoever stuck around to read this. I appreciate all of your support thus far in my weight loss journey, but today just took a toll on my emotions.