Friday, March 28, 2014
There's a part of me that wants to hide the fact that I've gained 30 pounds and am in size 12 pants (instead of size 10 - not that it is REALLY the pant size that makes or breaks the person). It's that part of me that's a perfectionist, that hates to let people down, that doesn't want to be seen as a failure.
But hiding that part of myself does no one any good. Projecting that perfect smile, that attitude that "Sure, I have it together - why don't you?" makes me look like a fake and a fraud when - not if - it is finally revealed that I *don't* have it all together. (Don't believe me? Take a look at our politicians and celebrities.) And of course, most importantly, not acknowledging this does ME the most damage. Because I live hidden, trying desperately to conceal my problems, instead of opening them up and facing them. It keeps me from getting the help I need, from getting better instead of getting worse.
So I have written about my struggles, my weight gain, my stress. And you, my fellow SparkFriends - you have given me overwhelming support in my time of struggle. As I type this now, I feel tears in the corners of my eyes. You guys have been great! Everything I was afraid of - being a failure, seen as a loser - isn't true at all. Because you all know what it's like. We've all been there - lost a great portion of weight only to gain some or all of it back.
This week has been one of my better weeks. I have made an effort to exercise Mon - Thurs (not tonight because of Book Club, but I'll be back in the gym on Saturday). I have made an effort to watch what I eat - how much, what I choose. And I have made an effort to log into one of the best support systems I know - my fellow Sparkers.
Today, I was writing up my story (including the bits about me gaining back 30 pounds - it happened, and I ain't lying or concealing it anymore!), going back over my previous blog posts, and something happened. I was staring at the words on the screen, and I realized: I want THIS. I want this healthy life. I want to run a 5K. I want to ride in a 26 mile bike ride (yes, I am doing that this July 26th!). I want to look good in my clothes. I want to be active and healthy. I want to eat veggies and enjoy them.
And I realized something else: I don't want all that crap I had in my life 2 years ago (I canNOT believe I can say TWO years!!). I don't want to be blowing in the wind, wondering what's for dinner and just picking up a pizza or a burger for dinner. I don't want to be chained to my stomach's whimsical desires. I don't want to be looking at life from a glass box: watching people run and walk and ride and be active and happy, while I'm unable to because of my weight.
Does that mean sacrifice? You betcha! It means taking time out of my day to head to the gym. It means sometimes making the "inconvenient" choice to run, instead of calling it a night. It sometimes means being difficult when going to a restaurant ("I want the salad, no croutons, no X, no Y, no Z, with dressing on the side"). It means not having that snack that I want (I'm finding that right now, chips are my bane), or taking a smaller portion.
But is it worth it? Most definitely!
So I approach today reinvigorated, remotivated to charge forward with Maintenance. I'm gonna eat right, I'm gonna exercise, I'm gonna get my Z's and drink my water. Because I AM WORTH IT.