Wednesday, March 26, 2014
I am reading a great book called, 'Daring Greatly' by Brene Brown. It is really, really good. It discussed what the author has learned in her years of research on shame and vulnerability. At one point, she describes a tactic of what to do when shame hits. Or when you realize that your negative voice is speaking in your ear. She says to repeat the word, PAIN, over and over again until there is some measure of being able to confront the voice or shame instead of letting it take root.
Today I went to the thrift store to go shopping. What 2 years ago was (for the first time in my life) a delight has turned more devastating than ever. I am buying new clothes again, because the clothes I bought several months ago (the clothes that were supposed to get me through the 'bigger' months I found myself in, are TOO SMALL now.
I didn't have much luck at the thrift stores, except that I kept that voice at bay that was telling me, "ah, a size 22 huh, you thought you left that behind. You knew, though, didn't you, that you wouldn't pull it off. Here you are, fat again" blah blah blah. So YAY for me that I kept that mostly away.
As I drove away, I thought to myself, 'well that sucked'. And I imagined how good a drink would be, or stopping at the Taco Bell that was RIGHT there. Instead, I found myself driving and yelling, "PAIN PAIN PAIN OUCH OUCH OUCH" over and over again. I pulled over when the tears came and just kept yelling those words. Cause you know what? It sucks, and it does hurt. All of it--what I've been through, what I've done to get through it, what it has cost me in the form of pounds and tight clothes and shame. After a few minutes I drove away and you know what???? I felt better. It kind of worked. I was able to come home, do what I had planned to do today instead of letting the grief of failure and loss get a hold of me.
So there you go. A success. It really is a great book. :)