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Can’t Trust My ‘Picker’ (you probably don’t want to read this…)

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

{You probably don‘t want to read this. It is long. And it is just me working through my feelings so I can go forward without carrying this stuff… And, yet so I don‘t ‘forget‘ and make the same mistake over again.}

This morning I was grumpy with my dogs. Nothing extreme. Just grumpy. But, this is unlike me. Normally I am very patient with my dogs. After my 2nd grouch, my 11 year old dog jumped up and slapped the side of my leg with his paw in chastisement, as if to say, “What the h#ll is wrong with you this morning? Knock it off.” Well, for my own dog to chastise me, plainly says he doesn’t see me as ‘top dog’. But then I wasn’t acting calm and stable like a ‘top dog’ would. So, I took the lesson from my dog, and ‘chilled out’.
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I haven’t done well since the funeral yesterday. I went to support Marvi after the death of her husband.

I met Marvi in 2004 at a church dinner. She has a strong charismatic nature. Later we bonded over our ‘husband troubles’. We didn’t see each other often, but we seemed to have a really strong connection.

Then in spring of 2011 we got together for lunch. There was an odd feeling from the very start of the lunch that I never could put my finger on. But, I felt tense and uncomfortable during out lunch. Marvi was always an intense woman, but that day I just felt an energy coming off her that made me want to get away. Looking back I realize that she always had that ‘energy’ but in a group atmosphere it was dissipated, but one-on-one I felt her ‘energy’, and it scared me.

Then at that lunch she told me more of her problems with her husband, and how decrepit he was becoming. And she was seriously debating pushing him down the stairs and killing him, and making it look like an accident, so that she could have the farm without waiting for him to die of old age, however long that would be. I guess she figured that since I too had ‘husband troubles’ that I would understand. WRONG! I immediately told her, “Marvi, if I ever hear that your husband has had any kind of accident, I will be contacting the police and telling them what you told me.” Then we went on with our lunch, but by then my throat was feeling pretty constricted. And, then, I don’t know what the blazes got into her - cause she knows I love dogs - but she went and told me a story about how she viciously and cruelly killed a dog with absolutely no provocation. She explained it in extreme detail. I was absolutely horrified. And, appalled. I let her know I was appalled, but I didn’t let her know I was scared of her, of what she was capable of. I tried to ‘act normal’, and a few minutes later we ended our lunch and went our separate ways.

A couple of weeks later she called me. This is something we never did - talk on the phone. We always only visited after church or if we bumped into each other. On the phone I was really tense, but went along with the conversation. At the end of the phone call she said, “I love you Amber.” I had been tense throughout the whole phone call, but that made me feel really uncomfortable. But, I assumed she was saying it as though I was a daughter figure to her. But, then after that spring of 2011 we never spoke again…

Then in the fall of 2011 I ran into her at a local shopping place. She told me, “Oh, I have a bag of vegetables in my trunk, from my garden. I was going to give them to somebody else, but I’d like you to have them. Wait here while I go get them”. (She was parked maybe 10 cars down from mine.) I waited, and waited, and WAITED. And, I was getting pretty fed up with waiting. Cause geez! How long does it take to walk 10 cars down, get into your trunk, grab the bag of veges, and walk 10 cars back. Just as I was about to go see what was taking her so long, she came back and gave me the back of vegetables. With a big hug, and another, “Amber, I love you.”

I really didn’t want the bag of vegetables. After the charade in the spring, I was so repulsed by her I didn’t want anything to do with her. And I felt almost like my contempt for her was so intense that I would feel like I was choking if I ate the vegetables from her.

I took the vegetables home and stuck them in my fridge for a couple of weeks. I hate to waste food, and I love vegetables. Several times I had gone to cook up those vegetables, but just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Finally, when I realized that every time I seen that bag of vegetables, I ‘re-experienced’ what she had told me that day at lunch. And, so 2 weeks after getting them, I threw the vegetables in the garbage.

About a week after I threw the vegetables out I got another (unexpected) call from her. She wanted to know if I had eaten the vegetables. I lied and told her, “Yes, they were good.” But, I thought it was strange for her to ask like that. The call was brief this time, as she basically just wanted to be sure I had eaten the vegetables. And, at the end of this call she again said, “Amber, I love you.” It gave me the creeps, but I just wrote it off as a lonely old woman. But, I asked myself, “If she is actually lonely, why does she always avoid relationships with people?”

And, then I let it go, and I (literally) blocked from my mind all the things about what she had said about her husband, the brutal killing of the dog etc. That is one of my greatest downfalls with people. When I feel traumatized by someone I literally block from my mind the issues with them. But, the thing is, then I continue to put myself at risk from them, cause I no longer remember what the issues are with that person. And, so it was with Marvi…

And so, when Marvi’s husband passed away, I went to be supportive to her. But, at the funeral Marvi was decked out in an intense bright red outfit,

announced to everyone that she wasn’t going to shed one tear over him, that she was glad the cr@p was over dealing with him. And, then she acted like the happiest widow! Smiling and laughing, and literally glowed like a new bride. Cause today was ‘the first day of the rest of her life without him!’

I was really shocked at her behavior. And, so was everybody else. Well, not everybody. A number of people started sharing tales about Marvi. And, I learned that Marvi had had a number of incidents of extreme animal cruelty, that Marvi’s own mother had considered Marvi a a psychopath, that people did not consider Marvi’s husband the abuser Marvi always painted him out to be, but that Marvi was the abuser of him. In fact Marvi got fired from the nursing home for severely abusing a patient. There were a number of people who know Marvi and consider her evil. They came to honor Mavi’s husband.

What I seen and heard yesterday brought back into my memory the things Marvi had said to me about her wanting to kill her husband and make it look like an accident, and the vicious killing she had done to a defenseless dog. And then it dawned on me that here all these years I had believed the stories Marvi had told about her husband being so abusive (everybody else said he was a gentle guy). And, I wonder… did she do what Chuck does to me? Did she spread lies about her husband, when she herself was the one abusing? I know people in this town have for 30 years believed Chucks lies. And, I think, did I get sucked into the lies of a psychopath too, when I believed what Marvi said about her husband? Am I guilty of the same thing as the people who have believed Chuck all these years? Here I know the ways of a psychopath, and yet I got sucked in. So, how can I blame people around town, people who mostly probably don’t even have a clue about the ways of a psychopath? Maybe my lesson is to be less bitter about all the harm people have done to me over believing Chucks lies about me…

And, then I think of the ‘energy’ Marvi has always given off. And, the ‘energy’ her husband has always given off. And, by looking at both that ‘energy’ and Marvi’s own words and behaviors, yes, I think it is very likely that she was the abuser, and that she did a life-long smear campaign of her husband. Oh, I believe that he likely did some acting out of his own, as people are prone to do when they are in the grips of the relationship with a psychopath. But, I do now believe that Marvi was the true problem in their relationship.

And, then last night, in the middle of the night, I woke up in a cold sweat. And, the thought going through me, “What if what took Marvi so long to go 10 cars down to get me that bag of vegetables out of her trunk, was because she had been busy dosing the vegetables with anti-freeze??? So, that there would be no way of my telling on her about her planning to kill her husband and make it look like an accident… OMG! It is a good thing I just couldn‘t stand to eat anything that came from her!”

I had a counselor tell me once, “You have an amazing ability to see the qualities in a person. You can see an average bad person a mile away, and steer clear of them. But, you are blind to psychopaths. And, that’s bad, cause psychopaths see your vulnerability and draw to you, to victimize you. And, you don’t see them. And, the reason you don’t see them is because you grew up with them, and that type of person is ‘familiar’ to you. You don’t see the forest for the trees.”

Its sad. Cause you would think that if I grew up around psychopaths, that if anyone would ‘see’ them, I would. But, instead I have become ‘blind’ to them. Yes, part of that is because of being around them so much growing up. But, in great part too it is because when they do something that ‘triggers’ a childhood trauma in me, then I literally ‘block off’ memory of what they have said and done. And, without the memory of what they have said or done, I don’t get the ‘lesson’ to stay away from them. All, I see is the personable charming person.

Ever since Marvi gave me the vegetables, when we have met each other in public, she has been cold - with none of the usual hugging she used to do. Which has struck me weird. What about those 2 phone calls where she announced, “Amber, I love you”? But, she seems to sense that I realized who she is. So, no need to play the game any more, and put on a show of friendship, love, and being a ‘Christian’. As I asked her, “What kind of Christian plans her husbands murder?”

And, yesterday Marvi was not ‘loving’ me. Late in the wake I was visiting with a lady, and Marvi caught my eyes, and stared me down. No smile. No feeling of friendliness. Just stared into my eyes for some time. I felt she knew that I now had learned the full extent of who she was (by who was visiting with me). Game over.

She had to be a fool to not realize what was going down at the wake among pretty much everyone. All the stories flying about the ‘monster widow’ and her ‘poor husband’.

No matter what went on in the marriage, she should not have so horribly disrespected her husband at his funeral and wake. Shoot, she wouldn’t even bury him. She sent his body off to be used ‘for science’. Not because she is poor. They owned a huge farm, part of which they sold off a year ago, and the money is sitting in the bank. But, she made a huge deal at his wake, “that she wasn’t gonna spend a dime on him, nor cry one tear”. And, then she refused to pay ANY of the funeral or wake expenses. The people at the church had to pay for it all.

I admit that if Chuck passes before me, I will also be sending his body to be used ‘for science’, but it will be due to financial reasons. Even though I have lived through 41 years of hell married to a sociopath, I would still feel bad; I would still cry; I would still mourn the losses. Cause how do you spend that many years with somebody and then not mourn at all? If nothing else, you’d mourn the “what could have been”. And, if you don’t mourn, at least you don’t make a huge ‘public display’ of disrespect at the guys funeral!

I do know a woman here in town who hated her husband so much she didn’t have any funeral or wake for him, but took his cremated ashes out and dumped them in the dump. But, she did not make a big public display. She only told her closest friend, who told someone else, and so it got around town what she had done... And, a couple of other widows in the next town over, had their husbands cremated, but no funeral; just a small wake for family members. But, no public display of hatred for their deceased husband. It is the horrendous public display of contempt for her husband that has so many up in arms about Marvi.

I hope never again to ‘forget’ what Marvi has said and done. As I never ever want to be alone with the woman, nor accept food from her. She is evil!

All this confirms to me just how poor my 'picker' is. Pretty much if I am really drawn to someone, I can almost figure they are bad for me. It's sad when you can't even trust your own instincts or choices...