Sunday, March 23, 2014
191 days since I last blogged. Way more than that since I last tracked.
One way to look at my life the past 2 years is that it has not gone how I wanted it to. That I became one of 'those people' who I swore I would not become---someone who GAINED WEIGHT BACK after losing it. And now I'm coming back with my head hung low, ashamed, and embarrassed; ready to make a big proclamation about coming back and starting over.
But f*!k that. For real.
Here's what I learned in the past 2 years:
grief and care taking come at a cost. That cost looks different for everyone. For me it looked like regaining part of the 100 pounds I had lost. It was the price to be paid for accompanying my dad in his illness and death, taking care of my Mom while she lost her partner of 47 years, and trying to figure out how to care for myself and my marriage within that.
And it's just weight. The more important thing that is being birthed in me now is to get over the pounds and start taking care of myself again.
So I'm in therapy. It's really hard work but it's good. It is helping me deal with a lifetime of shame that I am just tired of.
And I am being gentle with myself. Maybe for the first time ever.
And I am not making an proclamations. Yesterday I realized that I want to take care of myself. It is hard decision. I've eaten everything I want for the past few years. It is going to be hard to rediscover that filter of choice. But I can. I know that. At least for today I am going to try.
No promises. Only this goal and only for today: I will be gentle with myself. I will be aware of what I am choosing to eat. And I will track it.
Going through the site I realized how much I have missed it, but I needed to be away.
It is nice to feel hope again, and perfect since Spring (presumably) is around the corner.