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Here you come again

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Hi There.

191 days since I last blogged. Way more than that since I last tracked.
One way to look at my life the past 2 years is that it has not gone how I wanted it to. That I became one of 'those people' who I swore I would not become---someone who GAINED WEIGHT BACK after losing it. And now I'm coming back with my head hung low, ashamed, and embarrassed; ready to make a big proclamation about coming back and starting over.

But f*!k that. For real.

Here's what I learned in the past 2 years:
grief and care taking come at a cost. That cost looks different for everyone. For me it looked like regaining part of the 100 pounds I had lost. It was the price to be paid for accompanying my dad in his illness and death, taking care of my Mom while she lost her partner of 47 years, and trying to figure out how to care for myself and my marriage within that.
And it's just weight. The more important thing that is being birthed in me now is to get over the pounds and start taking care of myself again.
So I'm in therapy. It's really hard work but it's good. It is helping me deal with a lifetime of shame that I am just tired of.
And I am being gentle with myself. Maybe for the first time ever.
And I am not making an proclamations. Yesterday I realized that I want to take care of myself. It is hard decision. I've eaten everything I want for the past few years. It is going to be hard to rediscover that filter of choice. But I can. I know that. At least for today I am going to try.

No promises. Only this goal and only for today: I will be gentle with myself. I will be aware of what I am choosing to eat. And I will track it.

That's it.

Going through the site I realized how much I have missed it, but I needed to be away.

It is nice to feel hope again, and perfect since Spring (presumably) is around the corner.


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm sending gentle hugs to you for all you've been through with your parents. I went through the same challenge in 2004 with my dad, then in 2010 with my mom. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, yet I feel so blessed to have been able to be there for both of them. Tough stuff. Sorry for your loss.

    I've checked in on you a few times so am glad to see you back here! I've gained back about 25 pounds myself, over the last year and a half, due to various reasons. I'm sooooo ready to get back to healthy eating and a regular workout schedule. I remember how good I felt when I did that before. Let's do it together!
    1211 days ago
    Welcome back!
    1216 days ago
    Oh I'm so EXCITED to hear you're BACK!

    I've been bouncing back from a regain also and would SO WELCOME the pleasure of your company! :-)

    1220 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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