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A Fresh Start

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Well here I am! It's been quite a bumpy ride. I've been going through one of the toughest periods of my life. I broke up with my fiance of 4 years, dealt with emotional abuse from him for 2 months while I waited for him to move out and find a new place, and suffered a severe lack of sleep because of it, which in turn spun me off into this crazy/manic state for a few months in which I was not taking care of myself at all and not making very good decisions in any area of my life (least of all diet and exercise).

But I am alive.

I've missed this site, and all of my Sparkbuddies on it. I truly appreciate anyone who looks to support me as I dust myself off and try again. I've missed the stability, the accountability, the tracking, the support, etc. I miss the memories of being successful, and blogging about my crazy food creations. I miss the feeling of coming in after a walk/run and stretching and not being able to wait to blog about my progress. I am ready to dive back in.

Unfortunately, I had to cancel my gym membership due to financial issues. I am going to aim to get it back at least before it gets cold next fall/winter, but for now, I'm going to have to do what I can with what I have, which is quite a bit. I have my body, I have my yoga mat, and I have some dumbbells and kettle-bells, and I have the trails in the park -- more than enough to challenge myself for the next few months.

I am choosing not to focus on the gain of the last few months, but on accepting myself exactly as I am now and working toward becoming better. I've found a great deal of comfort and meaning in Buddhist philosophy over the past few months, and it is empowering me to become more than what I am now.

So here's where I am right now, today, in this moment:

I'm choosing not to judge, but to forgive, accept, and love myself no matter what this number is. It's been higher, it's been lower, but this is my current reality. I am making it my goal to reach 299 by Jan 1, 2015 (but I will reevaluate it in a few months to see how realistic it is. Nothing wrong with a little ambition, if I can back it up, right? :P ).

My plan for now
I'm starting from scratch and from a completely broken point, mentally and physically... so I'm keeping it simple for now:
1. at least 12 glasses (8 oz) of water per day
2. track everything I eat
3. avoid gluten and dairy and sugary drinks (except a bit of juice).
4. Do yoga at least once this week
5. Blog about my progress when the mood strikes me

My outlook is so much different (and dare I say, healthier?) this time: I just want to allow myself to live day to day, moment to moment, making choices that will bring me closer to health and vitality, in a spontaneous and continuous way (I do really poorly when I plan too much, because I tend to get overwhelmed.. but when I keep my goals small, I can meet even exceed them, which will be a huge confidence booster) I think I tend to enjoy spontaneous workouts a lot more than planned ones.

No punishments, no guilt, no shame, no ridiculously detailed, rigid plans.. just health and wellbeing with every step. I think the trick for me will be learning to juggle the right amount of constrains and planning with real-time goal refinement and "going with the flow." I know I need both, and that they can work together, instead of an all-or-nothing type mindset.

Saturday mornings will be my weigh-in day and they will be 100% judgement free -- just a tool. I refuse to give any of my hard-earned power away to an inanimate object. I will decide how I feel about myself, and I will become what I think.

Wish me luck!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Great to see you back on SP! This post resonates with me in a huge way. I hope you continue on your journey to health and keep us all posted. emoticon
    1398 days ago
    I am so glad to see you back on here, I just logged in a few weeks ago myself after being gone over a year (but with the loss of my kitty recently I just haven't been able to really focus on getting started). I am very sorry you've gone through such a difficult time but I am so happy you are focusing on your health and well-being again. When I was active on here I always saw a lot of myself in you and felt like we were on very similar journeys in so many aspects. I look forward to seeing you work towards your goals again! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1398 days ago
    After all you've been through lately you're back here taking care of YOU again and that's is awesome! With your great attitude and great support around here you're going to start reaching your goals! You can do this! Welcome Back =)
    1400 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Sorry you have been having a rough time of things,but way to go with picking yourself off and beginning again. You have a lot of support here! I know I got many insights and great recipes from your blogs in the past, if there is any way I can repay some of that with support now I am happy to do it. Let your Spark Friends know what you need. You CAN do this!
    1401 days ago
    Welcome back!
    1402 days ago
    YAY welcome back! you are going to rock this & we are here for you!! looking forward to your food posts again for sure!
    I also get anxiety over planned workouts & enjoy spontaneity a lot more too...hmm wonder why that is?

    anyways,let me know if you need anything! we've got this!
    1402 days ago
  • KIPPER15
    emoticon Glad to see you back!. I am sorry you have had such a tough time. Pick yourself up, dust off. We have faith in you! Can't wait to see your next interesting menu. emoticon emoticon
    1402 days ago
    Great to see you back and sorry that's it's been such a rough patch. Your plans sound really solid and well-measured. Good luck!
    1402 days ago
    emoticon Way to go for picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and stepping back into the ring!

    And remember- there are no 'good' and 'bad' foods. Only healthy and not so healthy/unhealthy foods. I'm trying to reach that state-of-mind to help with my overeating.
    1403 days ago
  • TINA5318
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    1403 days ago
    Sounds like an excellent, kind plan. I'm cheering for you!!
    1403 days ago
  • _BABE_
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    1403 days ago
    Every last word of this post resonates with me. I just got back to SparkPeople this week too! I'm really happy to see you return, and I am loving your outlook! Looking forward to celebrating renewed strength with you!

    Welcome home. :)
    1403 days ago
  • SINGER73
    emoticon So sorry to hear that you went through a rough patch but you make it out alive on the other side emoticon .

    You can achieve your goals and 299 is totally doable by Jan 1, 2015. You goals are perfect. Heck I need to steal a few. emoticon

    1403 days ago
    I am thrilled to see you here!! I'm so sorry things have been rough for you Jamie. I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself and for coming back now that you're ready. Check your spark mail and look for an invite from me. I think it would be great for you. (and I am a little biased because I love being on a team with you!)

    I hope you have a GREAT weekend!

    1403 days ago
    Sorry to hear that you've had some pretty major challenges recently. Glad to have you back and wishing you luck as you carry on.

    1403 days ago
    1403 days ago
  • MILLIE5522
    emoticon Such a great blog! Sounds like you have had a great deal to put up so many many congratulations for coming back here. Wishing you luck though really I know that you won't need it because you have a fantastic attitude towards getting a healthy lifestyle. emoticon
    1403 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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