Well here I am! It's been quite a bumpy ride. I've been going through one of the toughest periods of my life. I broke up with my fiance of 4 years, dealt with emotional abuse from him for 2 months while I waited for him to move out and find a new place, and suffered a severe lack of sleep because of it, which in turn spun me off into this crazy/manic state for a few months in which I was not taking care of myself at all and not making very good decisions in any area of my life (least of all diet and exercise).
But I am alive.
I've missed this site, and all of my Sparkbuddies on it. I truly appreciate anyone who looks to support me as I dust myself off and try again. I've missed the stability, the accountability, the tracking, the support, etc. I miss the memories of being successful, and blogging about my crazy food creations. I miss the feeling of coming in after a walk/run and stretching and not being able to wait to blog about my progress. I am ready to dive back in.
Unfortunately, I had to cancel my gym membership due to financial issues. I am going to aim to get it back at least before it gets cold next fall/winter, but for now, I'm going to have to do what I can with what I have, which is quite a bit. I have my body, I have my yoga mat, and I have some dumbbells and kettle-bells, and I have the trails in the park -- more than enough to challenge myself for the next few months.
I am choosing not to focus on the gain of the last few months, but on accepting myself exactly as I am now and working toward becoming better. I've found a great deal of comfort and meaning in Buddhist philosophy over the past few months, and it is empowering me to become more than what I am now.
So here's where I am right now, today, in this moment:
I'm choosing not to judge, but to forgive, accept, and love myself no matter what this number is. It's been higher, it's been lower, but this is my current reality. I am making it my goal to reach 299 by Jan 1, 2015 (but I will reevaluate it in a few months to see how realistic it is. Nothing wrong with a little ambition, if I can back it up, right? :P ).
My plan for now
I'm starting from scratch and from a completely broken point, mentally and physically... so I'm keeping it simple for now:
1. at least 12 glasses (8 oz) of water per day
2. track everything I eat
3. avoid gluten and dairy and sugary drinks (except a bit of juice).
4. Do yoga at least once this week
5. Blog about my progress when the mood strikes me
My outlook is so much different (and dare I say, healthier?) this time: I just want to allow myself to live day to day, moment to moment, making choices that will bring me closer to health and vitality, in a spontaneous and continuous way (I do really poorly when I plan too much, because I tend to get overwhelmed.. but when I keep my goals small, I can meet even exceed them, which will be a huge confidence booster) I think I tend to enjoy spontaneous workouts a lot more than planned ones.
No punishments, no guilt, no shame, no ridiculously detailed, rigid plans.. just health and wellbeing with every step. I think the trick for me will be learning to juggle the right amount of constrains and planning with real-time goal refinement and "going with the flow." I know I need both, and that they can work together, instead of an all-or-nothing type mindset.
Saturday mornings will be my weigh-in day and they will be 100% judgement free -- just a tool. I refuse to give any of my hard-earned power away to an inanimate object. I will decide how I feel about myself, and I will become what I think.
Wish me luck!